Thursday, November 8, 2012

Weathering the Storm

These last two weeks have been difficult to say the least. Last week Hurricane Sandy hit. While my neighborhood was not devistated, it seems like I was left out. I have sort of survivors guilt because so many lost so much. The trains were down so I couldn't work. Then someone got my paypal info and subscribed to some dumb magazine taking what little money I had. There was some money supposedly coming to me for my book but got the wrong info and am getting it next month. On top of that I did a project that while good for my career and gave me tremendous exposure. However they are selling the project, getting lots of dough, and I haven't seen a dime.

On top of that my stalker is harassing me again. I had to get the cops involved before and now I am scared again.

When it rains and pours.

The Romney supporters keep crying the blues. They lost. It's ironic that they are crying the blues because they are red staters, lol. Why is it that pro-lifers can't be tolerant of anyone else's point of view just as the so called Christians? I consider myself pro-choice and am very tolerant of people who are pro-life and evangelicals. I just don't tolerate hate and bigotry and people who don't want others to have rights. That's all.

On top of that I am facing a lot of career uncertainty. My book was just rejected from a collection. I found out it would have had a better chance had I been more established but the lady was nice and they told me to keep in touch. Actually at first she was sort of bitchy but the more I pressed her she was helpful. It was a learning experience. On the otherhand, I don't know what is next for me at all in the scheme of things. My book is being submitted to stores and no answers as of yet. Do I want to know the answers? A film of mine might be distributed but might is the key word.

I don't know what is next. Things have been weird with the job because of the weather. Although this is not nearly the longest things have been uncertain for I am ready to hit the damn roof. I am already in end of the world mode.

On top of that I don't know which direction the universe is pulling me in. I book standup shows again and they are either cancelled or for three people. Then there is some activity with the acting but not really. Of course the book is sort of red hot. There might be some TV stuff in the works. I just don't know what to do next. Do I go do shows where I am wasting my time performing in front of three people? Do I do the auditions again for various projects only probably to get lost in a pile? Do I try to get my own radio show? Do I pursue the writing route? Do I keep a meaningless blog where I whine.

Of course there is the whole representation question. I havent had an agent or manager in years and have been doing fabulous on my own. But I know it won't and can't last forever if I want to get to the next level. I had one a few years ago but we parted ways and what do you know I get a TV appearance. Then I freelanced with a guy who just sent me out for slut roles cause I was blonde. After that I kind of had a touch and go relationship with someone who is pseudo-revered in the comedy community, and that fizzled out because I think he was trying to sleep with me. Then I was freelancing with a nice lady but she didn't have the connex. All those times I was better off on my own.

Still everything is a fucking headache sometimes. When it rains it pours and sleets and shits. I feel like putting on the Counting Crows and just jamming out. That way I can drown out my fears of failing at my dreams and being a reality star fading into obscurity. That way I can quiet the voice, the insecurity of my mind telling me that I am always destined to be the bridesmaid rather than the bride. I know all I can do is take the next right action. I already work like a bitch in a man's world as his bitch. What do they want? I already am the whipping girl for every ugly woman who wants to believe I am dumb because I look a certain way. What do they want from me?

I really am at a crossroads. It is the fool in the deck of tarot. I don't want to stay where I am but don't know where to go. I dont want to quit, I have come too far. Still where to go? Do I do the acting route? Do I tour again? Do I pursue the writing for TV shows? The doors are creaking open and closed and each has a masked wizard.

But November has never been a good month for me. In 2004 I was heartbroken over some moron. In 2005 I was in a roommate situation where everyone was using drugs on the regular and they were turning against me, not to mention my relationship with my then fiance was turning abusive. In 2006 I was running from the abusive ex who was stalking me and investing in a seperate mailing address. In 2007 I had just stopped drinking, using diet pills, distructive eating and was losing my damn mind. In 2008 the market popped and a job I depended on dried up. In 2009 I was broke, poor, and came down with a stomach virus that almost killed me. In 2010 I was dealing with the aftermath of the death of a good friend from drugs. In 2011 my house was robbed.

On the flipside December, Christmas, has always been when I come out a butterfly. In 2004 around my heartbreak I decided to perform comedy. In 2005 I got out of my bad living situation and started getting better comedy spots. In 2006 I turned my fear of my crazy ex into comedy. In 2007 I did my one woman show for the first time. In 2008 I opened for Aretha Franklin. In 2009 although he turned out to be crazy got a road gig from said manager in my hometown and people started to talk about my good sets. In 2010 I filmed a show called My Strange Addiction with my puppet children and was asked to do the press tour around Christmas. In 2011, a week after the robbery, my episode of Pig Roast with Otto and George aired following Layover and Chef Roble all within the same week. I began to become familiar with O and A fans as well as that comedy family and they perhaps turned out to be some of the sweetest, most supportive people I have encountered in the game.

While the city has been steeped in disaster it is getting better. The L train is rumbling. People are getting their power back. Life is returning to normal. FEMA is helping. When people can volunteer they are. We have been banding together, being kinder to each other. We are New York.

I have no reason to complain. I have a home. I have power. I have a job that is returning to normal.

Still I am in disaster mode. I am tired of bad news and bad weather. I want something to smile about. But we must have snow, sleet, and hail to appriciate the rainbow.

Like everyone around me I am weathering the storm.

I have no choice.

We have no choice.

Like all storms whether snow, sleet, hail, or shit and sometimes all at once this too shall pass.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

PS. For all my bitching I will give you a new photos


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