Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Princess Dropped Down to Earth Part Deux: The Hair Cut

Growing up my mom always had a way around things. Woman always gets her way hell or high water. Sometimes it is genius, sometimes it is hair brained. Today was hair brained. Usually when my mother is engineering some scheme I am her unwitting right hand. Whether I was eight, eighteen or twenty eight. To make a long story short my father's birthday is tomorrow and my mom wants to look great. She had her hair cut but her hairdresser was having a boyfriend crisis and gave her some bizarre looking mullet type of cut. My mother was beside herself and had me cut her hair. This is how the whole thing went down.

Mom: April, will you cut my hair?

Me: Sure. You mean trim that mullet in the back?

Mom: Yes. We need to into the bathroom. I have the perfect pair of scissors. I can't believe Lizzie did this to me. Maybe I should call Lizzie and have her squeeze me in.

Me: Yeah. I hang around hair dressers. I dont cut hair.

My mom runs down the stairs. I am off the hook.

Mom shouts from landing

Mom: I don't feel like driving over there and your father is coming home soon. Cut my hair now!

Mom thrusts the scissors in my hand.

Mom: I want a centimeter or two off like this.

Mom demonstrates with fingers.

I begin trimming.

Mom: No, not like that. I don't want you to cut my hair straight across like a man. I want the cut up and down like shark teeth. Let me demonstrate.

My mom demonstrates the cutting technique clearly out of my skill range.

Me: You should do this. You have a better idea of what you want.

Mom: Shark teeth. You can do this.

Me: How about I trim the back? Get rid of your mullet. I am not a hair dresser but that I can do well.

I begin to cut.

Mom: No! Not straight across. Shark teeth!

Me: I have never cut hair before! This is a free cut! You wanted to save money and time well here you go!

Mom: It is my holiday and I want a shark tooth cut! My daughter will give me a shark tooth cut!

I grugingly begin cutting. I now have no choice.

Mom: Up and down, the jagged edges, up and down. (Repeat three times)

Me: Mom, my friends in hair school diagramed for six weeks until they attempted a cut like this.

Mom: You are doing a great job.

My mom has second thoughs about her compliment

Mom: You didn't get the other side. Now one side is longer than the other!

Me: I hate you.

Mom: Stop being an asshole and cut my hair.

Me: You're the asshole, screw you! I never cut hair and now I am. You get what you get. You should have asked Dad.

Mom: Oh him? The last time he cut my hair it was atrocious.

April: Serves you right.

Mom: I love you. Now cut my hair on the other side please.

Me: Okay.

Grudgingly I cut the other side in silence. My mother periodically commands me. I have surrendered to the madness.

Finally we are done.

Mom: Oh shit, now I have to clean this up.

April: You wanted a hair cut, remember?

Mom: And now there's no blonde left in my hair. Only dark roots.

Me: Sorry, you wanted it cut short. You wanted the shark teeth. I gave you what you wanted.

Mom: I need to color it.

April: Do you have hair coloring?

Mom: No.

April: Then go get some.

Mom: I am going to the Rite Aid.

April: Tell Skipper it's her turn. My sister has done nothing all day.

Mom goes to leave.

I go downstairs. Mom is having tea.

Me: Did you go to the Rite Aid? Are you going?

Mom: No, your dad's gonna be home and it's time to cook dinner.

Me: Okay.

Mom: By the way we are having shrimp. I need you to see which pack is the freshest.

I turn over all three packs. One says use best by 2-1-11, the other says use best by 2-1-12.

April: Mom, one pack is a year and a half old and the other is several months old. How long have you had these shrimp in the freezer?

Mom: Oh I just forgot about them.

Mom goes to throw them away.

Mom pulls out another pack. It says use by 2-1-13.

Me: This one is more current.

Mom: Then throw them in. Pasta and shrimp for dinner.

To Be Continued.

I love my mom, she is the greatest woman in the world. Not only is she sweet and endearing with a capacity to feel deeply and a passion for personal fitness, but she is funny as hell.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my book signing
Bethel Park Public Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA
7pm xo


No comments:

Post a Comment