Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Princess Dropped Down to Earth Part 3: Vacuuming

It has been a busy day today at Casa Brucker and it isn't even noon. Today is my dad's 60th birthday. When you think of it, that is a huge milestone. He has had a rough year health wise. My Pop had nose surgery a month ago, and then before that they were scared he was having a stroke during a stress test. He exercises on the regular though, and even attended a Springsteen Concert. My Pops also voted Obama, so how bad could he be, right?

Anyway, today is insanely busy because we are having a surprise party for my dad tonight...SHHHH!!!! He thinks he is having dinner with my grandma and my aunt and uncle. Plus he is blissfully unaware that my brother and his wife are coming in tonight as well. He thinks they are flying in tomorrow. But the whole family will be there which will be nice. It will be nice then. Now my mother, well she is just flipping out.

Already today she has agonized over should we give him the presents before or after the party so we aren't obvious. How do we sneak him in? Where do we hide the gifts? Not to mention the dance moves for our happy birthday song. I told her I needed another cup of coffee before this convo.

I went on my run to burn off all the food I have been stuffing in my mouth. My old high school has been ripped down. They have built a new one. A piece of me has been destroyed-my life. On the flipside all the crap memories called high school have been destroyed too. Some things change, some things stay the same.

Some things stay the same.

When I got home my mom was cleaning and putting pool stuff in the hot tub. Then she yells, "Can you vacuum?"

"What?" I yell. There is banging because there are fifty chores happening at once. My mom is a Libra with Capricorn and Gemini rising. It must look pretty but it also is chaos in the process.

"Can you VACUUM?!? THE VACUUM IS RIGHT THERE." My  mom says as she is spaying the hot tub.

"Do I have a choice?" I ask.

"No." She says.

"This is my vacation." I whine.

"Do you see me resting? You must vacuum!" My mother commands.

That settles it. I must vacuum. I go over the carpet once, twice, three times. Then my mom yells, "Don't forget to do the stairs."

I lug the monster up the stairs. Ouch! I have failed Domestic Goddess Class. I will never have a man. I am a career woman. I was on The Today Show with my lazy puppet children. They should be vacuuming. People recognize them, especially May Wilson. She really needs to step up her game. Wait, girl made other plans. I was featured in Gawker and they were gossipping about us. People like us don't vacuum.

Wait, yes we do.

"Make sure you get the foier and then the steps going upstairs." My mother commands. She is less tha five feet tall and means business.

Is this the time where I remind her less than a month and a half ago I was featured on Britney Spears's website? Britney Spears probably never has to vacuum. I try making that arguement. Then I remember she is still the mother. I am the child. This is her home and her domain. Sure I can pull the diva trip. But my mom is a trainer. She runs and swims daily. She teaches seven days a week. My mom can kick my ass and just might.

Grudgingly I do as I am told. I have no choice. The chore of vacuuming is ego reducing. As I run the vacuum I secretly hope I will wake my sister Skipper up. Why does she get to sleep until noon basically and I am stuck with all the chores? I ask my mother this and she remarks that Skipper is a fragile child.

Fragile my ass. I have vacuumed and now this! Skipper is doing the trash. I put this out in the air. My mom agrees but Skipper is slick. Skipper will find some way to make me take up the trash. People featured in Chat Magazine don't take out the trash. Yes we do. I will probably be taking out the trash later. What am I talking about?

There will be more cooking and more cleaning I am sure. I can picture me holding a Pulitizer Prize/Academy Award/Emmy/Tony and my mother saying, "That's great, but we are having a party in an hour to celebrate. The neighbors are coming. Could you do me a favor and vacuum?"

I would say, "Do I have a choice?"

And my mother would say, "No." And then she would put the vacuum in my hand.

I would tell her David Sedaris/Kate Winslet, Jay Leno/Hugh Jackman don't have to vacuum. And then I would remember that when they come home, their mom's house is still their mom's house. Much like me, they probably have to vacuum, mop, cook/clean, and take out the trash. As a matter of fact I got to work with Jeff Foxworthy once. I have a feeling his wife is sending him out to get the ingrediants for the stuffing about now, and as he is on his way I have a feeling Lynn Spears has Britney busy dusting.

The space ship has landed. My tiara is lopsided. The Puppet Princess is home and must cook lunch.

Some things  never change. xo

I Came, I Saw, I Sang
Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my signing
December 27,2012
Bethel Park Public Library
Bethel Park, PA
5100 West Library Avenue

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