Friday, November 16, 2012

Triple Negative

The past two days have been negative man days. I don't know what it is but it's like they know where to find me now that my life is somewhat on track. It's weird, the whole negative man thing. Then again, negative men are like cancer, they always spread their disease and attack when you are most vulnerable.

Emotional cancer.

Two days ago I got a text from Holden Caulfield. I hadn't heard from him since he called me high on some substance where he was clearly up for days. Apparently he had been living with some older woman and being her kept man-his dream. Anyway, despite life on the lamb (yes the lamb) Holden would still keep in touch. Part of me does still love him. He is a troubled soul with a good heart. Addiction and bi-polar are a killer combo. Well Holden texts me, his Jane Gallagher, under his Hawaii number to tell me that he has six months clean. There is a part of me that still loves him. Holden was able to just put up with my crap in a way most men were not. Plus there was a part of me that had a heart of ice after a failed engagement. Holden was able to melt that ice. But I had to ask myself if I was ready to deal with the baggage of his six months of sobriety. The continual psych appointments? The getting him on the right meds? His legal troubles which still havent been sorted out and not to mention over 60k in back child support.

I had to ask myself and love was not enough. The answer was no.

Then as I went to get things sorted out with my land lord over my Sandy emergency with my bank I was exiting the office and saw another old male acquaintance. I had known him from that twenty-two year old interesting phase in my life. He had befriended me when things were going crazy in my life. Anyway, I said hi and he started talking and babbling on about how he was working as a waiter. Not to mention he already wanted to take me out for New Years Eve. Where Mr. Waiter, somewhere that we either eat for free or that I foot the bill? It had been a long time since I had seen him and there was something wrong. He smelled funny and looked weird. Then I figured it out. He was drunk! It wasn't even ten in the morning yet! Damn! Wait until you at least hit noon. Sure I felt like I needed my old friend Jack Daniels after the horrible financial errand but I was going to be okay. And I wasn't going to meet my friend. Point is, we all have our moments but the key is not to hit the damn bottle before ten in the damn morning.

I made an excuse and made a bolt for it. I didnt like what I was feeling.

Yesterday morning I woke up and got an email from guess who? My ex fiance. In my grief over the anni of my buddy Chacho's passing I made the decision to unblock my whole blocked list. It was grief and stress that had mutated. Not to mention being shut in my damn apartment. I glanced at the pages of everyone on my unblocked list, ex included. Sure enough he and some angry woman were talking and he was saying I had problems. Nevermind the fact he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and verbally abusive. Just edit the story if you will to edit out the fact I have a different mailing address. Well the ex writes me to say that as long as I keep unblocking him he is going to keep writing to apologize to me. Part of me is glad he's sorry but I know it's insincere. Plus it's funny this comes after my many TV appearances, release of book, and other good fortune. But alas, he will never be a safe contact. So I reblocked him and he is blocked forever. My ex is sick. When we broke up I tried to be his friend, and when I began seeing other men he began stalking and harassing me.

Plus Chacho would have never wanted me to grieve. Mascara, unless water proof, is not meant to be worn during crying. And in the words of Chacho, "One of the big reasons you have a boyfriend is because they are supposed to get you presents."

Either way, my triple negative is out of the way and I told them all no. They say God tests you, but a woman who is like a spiritual adviser to me says the devil is the one who does the testing. Well the devil tested me three times and I passed. Perhaps he can go bother a different woman, one who apparently loves jerks as much as I do.

I do deserve someone nice. Someone with no drug problems, no criminal record/current troubles with the law, no one that has any mental health issues and a part time job would be fantastic.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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