Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Loser of the Day: AL

A few years ago when I was really in a rough spot I befriended a fifty year old black ex-con named Al. The basis for Shanniqua Faniqua Fana Fana Fo'niqua Parker, Al was a spiritual man. He would quote the Bible, forget, and then end up quoting the Little Engine That Could. Al would always target white women because a black woman would kick his ass in a minute. As I got to know Al, being naive and twenty-four I thought he was a man of God. My roommate Nikki at the time,the product of a single mother who made foolish decisions in men, saw otherwise.

She saw how I glossed over his eleven years in jail for armed robbery. Then there was the crack habit and alcoholism he was going to meetings for and picking up chicks at. In that mix there was the fact he was thrown out of his three quarter house for decking a counselor because he got mad. Women always tend to overlook these things.

Anyway, Al must know I am doing well because today he tried to make a comeback. Mind you it has been years since we have spoken and I was not aware he even had my number. Al also complimented my sexual abilities and let me tell you, we actually never slept together. This was how the whole exchange went.

Scene opens.

Me Jogging. A number comes up I don't recognize.

Al: April, wish I could lick your clit and eat your pussy.

Unsure of what to do I decide to defuse the situation.

Me: Merry Christmas

Al: Same to you, April. Are you still living on 46th and 9th?

Me: Who is this. Got a new phone ;)

Maybe this is one of my gays from a while back screwing with me. One in particular always sent me obscene messages as a joke.

Al: An old friend of yours April. A good friend sweetie.

Hmmm, I really don't know who this is.

Me: Does my old friend have a name?

Al: My name is Al, April.

Oh shit, I know who this is. Of all the fucking days why now? I have a book that is out and things coming from it. Now I am being pursued by an ex con. Granted, Al was cute, but they all are before they knock you up, ruin your credit, and abandon you when they are on the run from the law.So I decide to play dumb hoping he will go away. The neerdowell is looking for a place to live and to ruin my life.

Me: Where did we meet, Al?

Al: Are you still on 46th and 9th? Still hot like always? Can we go out for drinks sometime April?

Oh so you are drinking and doing drugs again and want to give me an ex con sob story. I have to lie and fast.

Me: No, I moved to LA.

Al: Really since when?

Me: And I'm married.

This will get rid of McLoser. McLosers are always afraid of another man.

Al:When did this happen?

Me: A while ago.

Al: It's like 6:30 Am your time?

I say nothing,he is getting it.

Al: I am so horny right now I want to show you my nine inches baby.

Now this degenerate is just insulting. I bet he doesn't even have three inches. Plus he isn't giving up. I better think and quick. So I pretend to be my own overpossessive, aggressive, jealous husband.

Me: This is April's husband.Stay away from my wife you fucking cretin.

This should scare him off, right? Oh no.

Al: She fuck good bro. I remember those days when she used to blow me. She have a nice ass. You are a very lucky dude. She knows how to suck a good cock.

Now I am insulted. I never once did his dead beat ass. He is just being a dickweed. But, I also realize I have two men fighting over me. One real,one imaginary. So I up the stakes and let this former property of the State of New York know that I mean business.My pretend husband and I must get creative.

Me: Listen asshole,this is my wife you are talking about.  Talk like that again and I will rip your head off and shit in it.

No reply back. I think Al got the message to hit the road. Needless to say,the moral of the story is that ex-cons are no match for a woman and her imaginary husband. Imaginary husbands will fight for your honor, no questions asked.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my signing
December 27,2012 @ 7pm
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA 15102


  1. Mama said knock you out! And papa too! Nice!

  2. Thanks Champ! I knew you would approve of the fake spouse. They come and go when you want them to and always do your dirty work xo