Thursday, November 29, 2012

She Talks to Angels (Black Crows)

Every year, around the middle of October to the middle of November I always try to work on something to improve myself. It's not that I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions but everyone does things in their own time and this is mine. That window is significant because October 17th is the anniversary of my friend Chacho's passing, and November 16th is my friend Joe's birthday, also deceased. While it can be said this is morbid time of year for me, it's not. I use it as a time for self-reflection, self-improvement, and to move towards a positive goal. I don't think both dates were placed so close by accident, but rather because the universe was giving me a window to start a project and carry it out.

This is the first year I have done it. Well okay, I sort of started two years ago when Chacho passed running after my dreams. Then I got the wheels in motion for the book. This year I still found the hole in my heart was gaping huge. I got mad and used my time terribly. I made the genius decision to unblock my whole blocked list on facebook which met with disaster. So I figured in the spirit of the flamboyant voguer and the quiet set designer I would start another positive project. Working on a set that was both clean and funny.

I initially started this project on the anniversary of my Chacho's passing when I sort of got dumped from a show I was a well-publicized act for because I wasn't "family friendly enough." Sure, I had done kids and church shows when I was younger, but drunk night club audiences don't want well thought out material. They want filth and lots of it. They said I could send them a video of my new act and blah blah blah. Part of me was like, "Fuck you! You have seen me on TV! People stormed the dressing room the last time I was on the show to meet me and my children!"But they don't care who I think I am.

I went out that night to Cha Chas (ironically close to my boy's name) to keep from killing someone. It had been a rough week. I had verbally castrated a wannabe punk booker. While he deserved it, I should have written him off as a mere loss. My goal was to work clean. I figured even if I sucked at least I was doing something positive. Well I didn't suck. I actually had done really well!

The truth is, I was forced to be clean on the spot in Coney this summer and managed well. But now I was really working at it and found I could do it. I felt empowered. I felt positive. I felt like I was moving forward. Granted,someone tried to give me drink specials on my way home and I yelled at them screaming, "Chemical dependency killed my friend!" But this is a practice of progress not perfection.

I worked clean a few more times before Sandy hit and couldn't do anything. When I finally got up I felt drained and was down on standup and the so called business. That's when I thought I saw someone who looked like my friend Joe, probably the universe telling me I needed a better attitude.

One thing about Joe was that Joe used to tell me how very funny I was. Sometimes,when one of our Chelsea Boys would be talking about some empty drivel Joe would whisper, "Say something provocative. This is getting boring." While quiet and sweet he had a devilish streak. But overall he was a big brother type and angel in disguise.

I can picture Joe now, coffee cup and cigarette. I am telling him I am scared of losing my identity by doing a good set.

Joe takes a puff of his cigarette and says, "Are you afraid or just lazy?"

Last night, after having been off stage for a week and a half I decided to make good on this goal. I went down to Cha Cha's and was greeted by world's bitchiest waitress. She barked at me twice. Heather was great though, which made me think twice about decking the waitress. Anyway,the show was good and I went up. I didn't swear once and I killed it. Okay, the ending needs work but my riffing was awesome.I need to not drop the energy but overall I killed it.


I made new friends and it ended up being a great night. On the subway home I felt empowered. It also made me realize how important it was that I am taking this step. My mother has wanted me to take it for a long time. Not to mention it is more lucrative. But also Chacho and Joe would want me to do this not just for the betterment for me personally but professionally.

Of course Chacho, who used to brag about knowing someone on TV when he was alive and that someone being me, would be posed in his Louis Vuitton. He would be filing his nails and be ready for the flashing lights of the cameras. He would tell me that as long as there is more TV time to potentially be had I need to make room onstage,he wants his cameo ASAP. Chacho would remind me that while I am the star,he is still the one with the better wardrobe and lest I forget he has better skin because he botoxed earlier. Then he would kindly pass some of his mojo over my way. Then a hot guy would pass and he would lose his concentration.

Joe on the otherhand would hang back, with his cigarette and cup of coffee. He would tell me again how funny I am. Of course he would also dismay that they were not using better lighting and that the design is so simplistic and bland. Joe would be taking notes the entire time whether it was on my show on the set, mainly the set. He would enjoy the show with some critical feedback but that chair would never work. And then a cute guy would pass and he too could lose his concentration.

Point being, this is what I need todo to get to the next level. Chacho and Joe would want me there with the best dress ever. Joe would be mad he didnt design it and Chacho would be trying to steal it for himself. But their spirits never left me, rather they are with me in another altered form, at least this is my belief. And they want me to use this window every year to better myself. And now I am working clean. Not just for me but for them. I know I have their support all the way.

Yesterday was a productive day. Got published in xoJane, spoke to someone about further marketing my book.

And I worked clean.

Amen to that.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my book signing
December 27, 2012 @7pm
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA

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