Friday, November 9, 2012

The Language of Victimese

This past week New York City has been a city of hope despite the storm and snow storm that followed. I on the other hand have felt a little hopeless. Still, there is a difference between powerlessness and hopelessness. Powerlessness means I cannot control what happens me me like the storms and natural disasters. Hopelessness means I am choosing to be depressed.

Hopeless is an easy trap to fall into. Especially for performers in the city. I was at a show once and two women were talking. One had left performing to be a makeup artist. The other was just a frustrated actress. They were lamenting over how they were not the cool kids. How things werent going their way. How they werent getting what they wanted. It is an easy trap to fall into as I said. If you have been with comedians on a car trip it starts out with idle chatter and then goes into ripping apart the people who are making it and how they don't deserve it. For a while I brought into that bullshit. I would bitch about how someone made it because they were the token ethnic casting directors were looking for, or about how I wasn't sleeping with someone. Anything to make myself feel better about where I was. It was all fear based. I was afraid of losing what I had and not getting what I wanted.

Then the tables turned. One day I talked to some of the people getting what I wanted and I actually clicked with them. They were different than the gossipers on the car trips. They were positive and determined. Not to mention when a window didn't open they build a door. I didn't feel jealous but inspired. I wasn't doing as much standup but instead starting making videos and my puppet kids and I did a reality show. Then I became a talking head for an internet channel, had a number one single on the internet, and wrote and published a book.

I had good luck because I changed my luck. I stopped acting and speaking like a victim.

The crazy thing is, when life started to shift one of the most popular dissees of the car trips, someone ripped on for her so called lack of talent, stepped up to defend me when others were taking pot shots online. I feel guilt about the things I said but I learned something important, to never stoop to cheap hate. Not only doesn't it feel good to be on the other side of, but often times the person you "hate" is someone who turns out to be a friend.

It is so easy to deal with the unfairness of this business, the ups and downs by doing something destructive. But with that the relief is temporary and then you end up with a whole new set of problems. What I mean is aside from it being terminally unfair, I mean the haters.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine and I went on the page of an ex of mine. She had heard stories and just wanted to see the reject in action. Well some bitch he is dating now, and I use the word bitch because that is what she is, was posting about a TV appearance I did. He exact words were, "Man, I saw that ex of yours on TLC. The bitch is crazy." My ex's reply was that wasn't even the core of my problems. My heart sank. But the my side of the street was guess what, I went to his page to poke fun and I had no business there. It was also a lesson that my ex was right where I left him, with the same bottom dweller friends and the same gossip. I on the otherhand am starting to see success and am living my dreams. The crazy thing is, my ex made me terminally jealous in our toxic relationship, and now he was having the same pattern with another woman. Instead of the word bitch I use poor thing. Instead of contempt I feel sorrow. This woman was being duped by my ex and obviously believed all the trash being spewed about me. I wanted to tell her how he was a worthless bum who used women and didn't want to work.

But why waste by breath? She would find out on her own.

Of course then I saw an old friendemy and mostly enemy walking down the street. We were friendly until he got himself involved with a person on the West Coast who used him, abused him, and dropped him like a hot potato. Before he relocated he was and up and comer, nice for the most part. However when he moved back he couldn't pick up the momentum, TV appearances and all. During the time he was gone I had picked up some momentum through hard work and steam. When he got back I became the target of his hate. It wasn't directed at me, but it was fear. He wasn't going to get his and I was getting mine. I was a lesser being. First it started with snips online, then bashing me on popular gossip sites. Even through this I don't hate him. I more or less feel bad. He is so steeped in his bitterness he can't move on. The best is when he tells me what a trainwreck I am. He has two best friends who can't stop with the drugs and one drinking his way out of his career.

Whenever he sees me in the neighborhood he won't look at me. Trainwreck, loser, no talent bitch. I'll remember that you fucking hasbeen.

It has been a tough two and a half weeks between the anniversary of my friend's death, to the storm to the aftermath. In between dealing with someone hacking into my bank account, the possibility my stalker is returning, and being low on funds at the moment I know I am going to be fine. My bank is working with me. I have a police detective as my contact. My phone has started to ring again. I am taking it easy on myself. God brought me to it, He will bring me through it as long as I do the next right thing. I will be fine.

Sometimes I don't think I will be fine. But then I have to remember we all have rainy days. There are people without homes right now. Children who might not have Christmas presents. They deserve my sympathy and prayers. They wish they had my problems.

I might be crazy and life might not go my way. But it will be alright. The wheel of fortune, what goes up must go down goes up again.

I don't speak the language of Victimese.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Portion of the Proceeds got to the American Red Cross to help the Hurricane Sandy Victims

Come to my signing at the Symposia Bookstore in Hoboken
November 15 at 7

See you there xoxo

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