Saturday, May 26, 2012

Digging For Fire (The Pixies)

This past week has been better than the weeks have in a while. After some serious disappointments, things are beginning to look up. My book is one giant step closer to being published. It would be edited by now, but my editors grandmother passed away so there have been some delays. The book will be finished up soon enough though. That will make me happy and it will make my deceased friend Joe happy.
Friday was a good day. “Stay” charted number one on FJS Radio. It was very cool to have a song chart number one. Here I was, not having a reputation as a singer where I grew up- actually the opposite-and here I am number one on a highly regarded indie station. Somehow, hearing that made up for the last three weeks of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical agony. When I heard “Stay” for the first time by Madonna, which it is a B Side, I knew I had to sing it. While it took me a little bit of time to actually put the pedal to the metal, when I did the result was fabulous. I currently have the song on three stations and am looking for more. I have it on soundcloud. I want to put it on itunes but have no clue how. Statue of David is happy as ever that we are number one though. If we ever chart they are most certainly going to the bank with me.
I have been thinking about what is next for me lately. The book is not quite published and one song is doing well on internet radio. Sure, both are decent progress but I need the next break.
Lately, because of the success of the song “Stay” on internet radio, I have been thinking of recording music again with my friend Marcus and possibly a country song. The music business has it’s own ups and downs and I am learning as I go. Plus I am using it to keep the momentum going from my numerous TV appearances. So far it is gaining me the exposure I need, but I still havent charted on Billboard. That’s what I need right now.  While I am not sure music is the way I want to go, it is a door that has opened wide this past year. It’s a dark path and I have no clue where it is taking me.
The book is almost published, and many of my fans are waiting to buy. I know it won’t be a ton of money but being a published author will shut up the men who want to see me on the ground in cheap lingerie ready to give them a quickie and the women who jealously want me there. Not to mention it will turn a bigger publishing house on to me. My mom wants me to plan my next book. Meanwhile, I will be lucky if this one doesn’t kill me. Still, I am actually gearing up to write my next one. I have a few ideas, just don’t know which way to go. It will be funny but will have a moral.
I have been going back and forth as to whether or not to go back onstage again like I used to. Part of me-a huge part-misses it, but it’s not that simple. Despite my numerous TV credits, numbering more than many regulars at the NYC clubs-male regulars-I am bumped for them because they appeared on Comedy Central in 2006. Nevermind I have seen more TV time in two weeks alone than they will again in their entire careers. They appeared on Comedy Central therefore that is somehow cache over the Today Show and the OWN Network, a show and a channel that are quite notable and that people know more. Plus they are male, they dominate the “art form.”  They have the leg up. The clubs are more their home than mine. Funny doesn’t matter. For years I thought it did, and maybe that’s what was so infuriating when I started getting fan mail around the world and got shit it return from people who I gave my time and youth to.
Not to mention with all the TV time I have gotten, the webcasts I have done, and the videos I do I don’t fit in the open mic world anymore either. I have had more media recognition and have seen money from comedy, something open micers don’t and many never will. The fact I have so many TV credits under my name makes it abhorrent that I even pay for stage time. Plus why? To play in front of eight people who hate me anyway? No thanks, I will save my time and energy for my fans. Plus what am I going to talk about with these people? Where the next pay for play is? Who produces the best bringers? Where someone will con me into barking?
These days I really don’t show up for a club date or live performance unless it is worth my time or energy. If the club is decent or I owe someone a favor making a special appearance, I do it. If it is a private event and the money is decent, I will come. Otherwise, I will make music, music videos, and videos for my fans. That way I can continue to inspire them without losing my mind, and the male comedians who view me as a hole to stick their dick in can choke on it as I read my fan mail from around the world. Oh, and the fucking club that fired me after I put them on national tv and the network gave them a donation, they will never fucking get that publicity again.
Yes, I put them front and center on the Today Show. Note to self: that was a mistake. Should have been a no name, nothing, waste of space intern.
The crazy thing is, while I am not yet a name I was told I am almost a big ticket item by a promoter who probably didn’t want to give me the bump because I was a woman. Anyway, being almost famous means people want to almost pay me meaning they want me to work for free. Someone from my past looked me up a few weeks ago and has a show on cable access and wanted to know if I wanted to do it FOR FREE. I spent a lot of time on cable access and since that time have been on national TV several times. If I am going to do TV it’s going to be a national appearance. I did cable access this past year as a favor to an old friend, but at this point I can fall up or fall down and that would be falling down.
Since becoming the poster girl for Panic Girl I have found my way into some modeling. One photographer approached me about doing a rockabilly shoot where he wanted me scantily clad. I was leaning towards no but sent him the rate anyway. He said it was too expensive. Fuck that. Then of course there was one guy who buttered me up and said he wanted to do some shots of me. I asked if there would be compensation and he said no. I looked at his work, everyone was topless. I told him I wouldn’t do topless. As long as he wasn’t paying me, why should I comply? Then he said the shoot was implied topless. WHO APPEARS TOPLESS FOR FREE? DO THEY WANT TO END UP ON A MISSING PERSON’S POSTER THAT BADLY?
In between all that I was approached to host my own radio show. They were buttering me up and told me they were a fan of my videos. I was like “YAY!” Then I asked about money. They told me I would be paying a studio fee. WTF?!?! Hell no, working for free would be the better deal.
Of course there was the offer for the reality show about puppets where they were even slimier about money. I asked them what they were paying me. They kept going on and on about how I would get a cut, a partnership. I asked how much the cut and partnership would be and they ran me around a few minutes more until they basically told me that I would be WORKING FOR FREE.
A friend of mine suggested I do a podcast. But that is more working FOR FREE. Not interested, sorry. I have done enough labors of love in my career. Now let’s get some money.
I have had a few managers and agents approach me, but no one has really gelled per se. One lady sends me for stuff but it’s too early to tell. It’s like I am on a weird bridge. Part of me wants to go the acting route. I went to school for it and know I do it well. Still, there are a thousand women that look like me going for the same role most of the time. Plus the fact I do ventriloquism is what casting directors zero in on, not my acting credits anyway. However, my series King of the List has gotten some serious viewage on youtube and koldcast.
I could go the music route, but that’s it’s own heart ache and again I am doing it to gain momentum from all the TV Time I have gotten this past year. Plus I know that for as good as “Stay” is doing on internet radio, there are people who can sing a hell of a lot better than me and have a hell of a lot more of a gift than I do. Not to mention I have some way to go before I chart on Billboard, but I am still closer than many.
I could go back to the comedy route, but that has proven to be a dead end where unless you are male or appeared on Comedy Central-a network not as prestigious as OWN-you are bumped for these less deserving, less talented idiots. Not to mention appearing on The Today Show doesn’t matter, even though I do believe it has a higher viewership than Live At Gotham. However, I love performing live and am good at it. Still, for as much as I love it I am refusing to work for food alone anymore-if that.
Then there is the writing route. Yes, I have a book coming out. However, for as many writers as there are, there are few writing jobs. Once someone gets one they stay in that job until they die because the money is steady. While my writing is good, it’s not for everyone. There are several people, literary agents and professors, who expressed dislike. However, it still has it’s share of fans.
Of course there is the puppet route. Crawdaddy is currently in the program of the International Puppetry Festival in Russia which is cool. While I love puppets, I am a ventriloquist, sort of the bastard child in the puppet community. While what I do takes more talent that just moving the mouth and the hands, they want people with hand and rod experience. Still, I am passionate.
So I guess as the bridge becomes dark and the lights go dim, I am lost, wandering around, hoping not to die the career death of every reality star there is.  There is no light and all the entrances seem magnificent yet each floor has it’s own trap door. So I guess you could say on this rainy Saturday, I am trapped in the haunted mansion that is my mind. Should I get a sailor and look at something cute to get rid of this discomfort and confusion.
NAH! I’ll just dig for fire. Love, April

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