This past week has been better than the weeks have in a
while. After some serious disappointments, things are beginning to look up. My
book is one giant step closer to being published. It would be edited by now,
but my editors grandmother passed away so there have been some delays. The book
will be finished up soon enough though. That will make me happy and it will
make my deceased friend Joe happy.
Friday was a good day. “Stay” charted number one on FJS
Radio. It was very cool to have a song chart number one. Here I was, not having
a reputation as a singer where I grew up- actually the opposite-and here I am
number one on a highly regarded indie station. Somehow, hearing that made up
for the last three weeks of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical agony.
When I heard “Stay” for the first time by Madonna, which it is a B Side, I knew
I had to sing it. While it took me a little bit of time to actually put the
pedal to the metal, when I did the result was fabulous. I currently have the
song on three stations and am looking for more. I have it on soundcloud. I want
to put it on itunes but have no clue how. Statue of David is happy as ever that
we are number one though. If we ever chart they are most certainly going to the
bank with me.
I have been thinking about what is next for me lately. The
book is not quite published and one song is doing well on internet radio. Sure,
both are decent progress but I need the next break.
Lately, because of the success of the song “Stay” on
internet radio, I have been thinking of recording music again with my friend
Marcus and possibly a country song. The music business has it’s own ups and
downs and I am learning as I go. Plus I am using it to keep the momentum going
from my numerous TV appearances. So far it is gaining me the exposure I need,
but I still havent charted on Billboard. That’s what I need right now. While I am not sure music is the way I want
to go, it is a door that has opened wide this past year. It’s a dark path and I
have no clue where it is taking me.
The book is almost published, and many of my fans are
waiting to buy. I know it won’t be a ton of money but being a published author
will shut up the men who want to see me on the ground in cheap lingerie ready
to give them a quickie and the women who jealously want me there. Not to
mention it will turn a bigger publishing house on to me. My mom wants me to
plan my next book. Meanwhile, I will be lucky if this one doesn’t kill me.
Still, I am actually gearing up to write my next one. I have a few ideas, just don’t
know which way to go. It will be funny but will have a moral.
I have been going back and forth as to whether or not to go
back onstage again like I used to. Part of me-a huge part-misses it, but it’s
not that simple. Despite my numerous TV credits, numbering more than many
regulars at the NYC clubs-male regulars-I am bumped for them because they
appeared on Comedy Central in 2006. Nevermind I have seen more TV time in two
weeks alone than they will again in their entire careers. They appeared on
Comedy Central therefore that is somehow cache over the Today Show and the OWN
Network, a show and a channel that are quite notable and that people know more.
Plus they are male, they dominate the “art form.” They have the leg up. The clubs are more
their home than mine. Funny doesn’t matter. For years I thought it did, and
maybe that’s what was so infuriating when I started getting fan mail around the
world and got shit it return from people who I gave my time and youth to.
Not to mention with all the TV time I have gotten, the
webcasts I have done, and the videos I do I don’t fit in the open mic world anymore
either. I have had more media recognition and have seen money from comedy,
something open micers don’t and many never will. The fact I have so many TV
credits under my name makes it abhorrent that I even pay for stage time. Plus
why? To play in front of eight people who hate me anyway? No thanks, I will
save my time and energy for my fans. Plus what am I going to talk about with
these people? Where the next pay for play is? Who produces the best bringers?
Where someone will con me into barking?
These days I really don’t show up for a club date or live
performance unless it is worth my time or energy. If the club is decent or I
owe someone a favor making a special appearance, I do it. If it is a private
event and the money is decent, I will come. Otherwise, I will make music, music
videos, and videos for my fans. That way I can continue to inspire them without
losing my mind, and the male comedians who view me as a hole to stick their
dick in can choke on it as I read my fan mail from around the world. Oh, and
the fucking club that fired me after I put them on national tv and the network
gave them a donation, they will never fucking get that publicity again.
Yes, I put them front and center on the Today Show. Note to
self: that was a mistake. Should have been a no name, nothing, waste of space
intern.
The crazy thing is, while I am not yet a name I was told I
am almost a big ticket item by a promoter who probably didn’t want to give me
the bump because I was a woman. Anyway, being almost famous means people want
to almost pay me meaning they want me to work for free. Someone from my past
looked me up a few weeks ago and has a show on cable access and wanted to know
if I wanted to do it FOR FREE. I spent a lot of time on cable access and since
that time have been on national TV several times. If I am going to do TV it’s
going to be a national appearance. I did cable access this past year as a favor
to an old friend, but at this point I can fall up or fall down and that would
be falling down.
Since becoming the poster girl for Panic Girl I have found
my way into some modeling. One photographer approached me about doing a
rockabilly shoot where he wanted me scantily clad. I was leaning towards no but
sent him the rate anyway. He said it was too expensive. Fuck that. Then of
course there was one guy who buttered me up and said he wanted to do some shots
of me. I asked if there would be compensation and he said no. I looked at his
work, everyone was topless. I told him I wouldn’t do topless. As long as he wasn’t
paying me, why should I comply? Then he said the shoot was implied topless. WHO
APPEARS TOPLESS FOR FREE? DO THEY WANT TO END UP ON A MISSING PERSON’S POSTER
THAT BADLY?
In between all that I was approached to host my own radio
show. They were buttering me up and told me they were a fan of my videos. I was
like “YAY!” Then I asked about money. They told me I would be paying a studio
fee. WTF?!?! Hell no, working for free would be the better deal.
Of course there was the offer for the reality show about
puppets where they were even slimier about money. I asked them what they were
paying me. They kept going on and on about how I would get a cut, a
partnership. I asked how much the cut and partnership would be and they ran me
around a few minutes more until they basically told me that I would be WORKING
FOR FREE.
A friend of mine suggested I do a podcast. But that is more
working FOR FREE. Not interested, sorry. I have done enough labors of love in
my career. Now let’s get some money.
I have had a few managers and agents approach me, but no one
has really gelled per se. One lady sends me for stuff but it’s too early to
tell. It’s like I am on a weird bridge. Part of me wants to go the acting
route. I went to school for it and know I do it well. Still, there are a
thousand women that look like me going for the same role most of the time. Plus
the fact I do ventriloquism is what casting directors zero in on, not my acting
credits anyway. However, my series King
of the List has gotten some serious viewage on youtube and koldcast.
I could go the music route, but that’s it’s own heart ache
and again I am doing it to gain momentum from all the TV Time I have gotten
this past year. Plus I know that for as good as “Stay” is doing on internet
radio, there are people who can sing a hell of a lot better than me and have a
hell of a lot more of a gift than I do. Not to mention I have some way to go
before I chart on Billboard, but I am still closer than many.
I could go back to the comedy route, but that has proven to
be a dead end where unless you are male or appeared on Comedy Central-a network
not as prestigious as OWN-you are bumped for these less deserving, less
talented idiots. Not to mention appearing on The Today Show doesn’t matter, even though I do believe it has a
higher viewership than Live At Gotham.
However, I love performing live and am good at it. Still, for as much as I love
it I am refusing to work for food alone anymore-if that.
Then there is the writing route. Yes, I have a book coming
out. However, for as many writers as there are, there are few writing jobs.
Once someone gets one they stay in that job until they die because the money is
steady. While my writing is good, it’s not for everyone. There are several
people, literary agents and professors, who expressed dislike. However, it
still has it’s share of fans.
Of course there is the puppet route. Crawdaddy is currently in the program of the International Puppetry
Festival in Russia which is cool. While I love puppets, I am a ventriloquist,
sort of the bastard child in the puppet community. While what I do takes more
talent that just moving the mouth and the hands, they want people with hand and
rod experience. Still, I am passionate.
So I guess as the bridge becomes dark and the lights go dim,
I am lost, wandering around, hoping not to die the career death of every reality
star there is. There is no light and all
the entrances seem magnificent yet each floor has it’s own trap door. So I
guess you could say on this rainy Saturday, I am trapped in the haunted mansion
that is my mind. Should I get a sailor and look at something cute to get rid of
this discomfort and confusion.
NAH! I’ll just dig for fire. Love, April
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