Friday, January 11, 2013

Time To Pretend (MGMT)

It never ceases to amaze me how comedians and other performers will inflate their resumes to make themselves sound important. The other day I was walking past a place I once performed at on my way home from another show. As the barker shouted the names of various performers he said, "Comedians from NBC, CBS, and MTV."

I nodded and asked who they were because I was curious. Then he said the name of some hack that I know was not on MTV. Oh yes, the hack was on MTV. He was an audience member when Usher performed. My mouth dropped open. As someone who has been on television and who takes pride in her credits being real, this threw me for a loop. Sure, take your credits where you can get them but this was a reach. I had to laugh. We are all a little guilty. I thanked the barker who was working hard and left. WOW. I don't mean to get petty but this was a little ridiculous.

Then again so much about this business is ridiculous. When I log onto facebook I see facebook comedians, the people who talk about what a career they have on facebook. Maybe they do a club or two or three and that is it. But they need to tell the world how they are doing comedy and blah, blah, blah and then they bitch that the industry is not fair. It's not fair to you because you are on facebook and only talk. You don't exactly do.

Then again, what do I know? I only wrote a damn book, am recording an audio book, have had my music get minor radio airplay, have seen national television time with my puppet children. Did I mention I break my ass all the freaking time and was so tired I could barely stand yesterday?

What I hate is when men assume women slept their way to get anything. I remember when people were saying I had gotten some television time because I slept with someone and although it wasn't true it still hurt. The other day I made my way to open mic land and this male comedian was ripping up this woman saying, "Well, she is sleeping with Mr. X. I hope it gets her what she wants." The gosipper isn't even a bad guy actually, but he had just fallen into a trap. I heard this and my ears burned. I told them it wasn't nice to spread lies, especially if they had no basis in reality and this was so ugly it probably wasn't true. I don't know the girl in question but I know how much it would hurt her to hear it, because I remember how much it hurt me.

Even if it is true this chick isn't going to win. I know women who have tried that. On their back, they fucked aiming for the top in this man's world but only got to the middle because they didn't have the goods. Being in the middle and looking at the top is worse than being on the bottom and dreaming of the top. If it is true, I feel bad for this girl because this will not end well. Still, I hate gossip. To me it is a form of bullying.

To me the worst are the wannabes. Yes, the people who want to be. One is the current gal pal of an ex of mine. She can have the ex, he is on enough psych meds to make a battle ship sink, not to mention he doesnt have his hair. But this bitch disses me online. I wouldn't care what she does except she ripped down my posters several times. During this most recent diss I wanted to set the record straight. I wanted to inform her that I got on television shows as a guest that she could only watch. Her only television time was as an extra, something she would probably do forever. Not to mention her home club was one I got fired from, and I put them on television and she would always be there to rot and disappear. Oh and I wrote a book, she probably can't even read. Not to mention while she has a half decent voice she can only sing covers on youtube while my music gets on the radio.

But she's a wannabe. She got a blog entry two days ago and now gets another paragraph. Then I realize how much haters have always motivated me. In middle school a group of girls made my life so miserable that I had to reach into my heart and discovered I could make people laugh. Another group of haters said I looked like a scary movie and I made it my business to be a good ventriloquist. Another group of haters said I was a sucky comedian and would never amount to anything. They are still minor fixtures on the alt scene while I have a cult following. An old acting teacher of mine said I would never be an actor and didn't have it, well she is still rotting in a cramped studio and not only have I been on television and movies but have been told by Broadway vets I have it. Did I mention I have my own musical I am working on?

This is a journey of faith

This is a journey of hope

Sometimes I think I did the wrong thing with myself. I dont have my own sit com yet. I am not where I want to be. This is not the way I planned it. In some ways it is better than my plan.

I reach for the stars.

It is time to pretend.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Available on as well as Nook
Portion of proceeds got o RAINN

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