Wednesday, January 2, 2013

April Brucker is Not Impressed With You

Today I was walking down the street in my lil white fur when a car stopped to ask me where I got it from. They were two strapping young men. I had a session to record my audio book and my sound engineer had been moving apartments so he was running late. He has been my friend since freshmen year acting studio. It wasn't a problem. I know he is going to give me a good product.

Anyway, I stop to talk to these guys part out of just whatever and they asked me where I got my coat. So they introduce themselves as Nick and Amadeus. Well then as we are talking Amadeus tells me he is a guitarist. I asked him if he is any good. He is named after a famous composer. Anyway, he says, "Yeah, this is me playing." So he turns up this seventies sounding guitar track. I am like, oh pretty good. I asked if that was actually him, impressed. He says no, it was the Grateful Dead, whatever.

I had to laugh. Men are such morons when it comes to getting laid. At least he had the decency to come clean. Well we chatted some more and I gave him my digits and then off I was to meet Archie, my sound engineer buddy.

So anyway, Amadeus and I ended up texting.

This is how it went.

Amadeus: Wondering how soft your rabbit fur coat is. Mmmmm, what is under it?

Me: Wouldn't you like to know.

Translated, this is a loser horny male and this could only get entertaining. I have a feeling he does not get much action and that will soon reveal itself.

Amadeus: I sure would sexsy. Too bad I have to bring this car up to Vermont to see my grandparents tomorrow.

Does your grandmother know you are being so fresh. I didnt respond back. Kill it before it goes any further. 

Amadeus: Would you like to see something long and hard?

Oh like a ruler? I take it you don't have one. From the way you misspelled sexy it seems you didn't spend much time in school.

I didn't reply and I thought that would kill it. Oh no. Instead, he decides he has got to up his game and he sends me a picture of his dick. YES HE SENT ME A DICK PIC. What am I supposed to do? Look at it and just decide to randomly get on my knees and service him? Should I rip my clothes off and let him pound me, stranger who is driving his grandparents car? Stranger with dorky hipster glasses and no muscle mass? I would just as soon let a prison pen pal do that, at least I know they are hot.

I take a second look at the dick pic. It is not even a hot dick pic. The thing looks a little skinny and sickly. Not to mention very veiny and a little on the small side. And the tip looks too much like a mushroom. I wanted to write back, "I realize you want to nickname your penis Sylvester Stalone, but it is more like Tom Cruise on Scientology: Little, annoying, and weird."

Seriously, what was the purpose of that? Was that to impress me.

Well Amadeus, I have news for you. McKayla Maroney was not impressed at the Olympics and went so far to show the world how she felt when she won the silver metal. And Amadeus, you will not be rocking me tonight because April Brucker is not impressed with you.


I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of the proceeds go to benefit the kids of Sandy Hook


  1. Omg what stupid moron no wonder its patic i love women but there stupid men with his brains in his penis it so hard to be man i love hangout with women and i dont need to kiss or have sex i just like being around femals

    I do know what mean men are visual., for myself i am just a stupid retard

  2. I had already read the hard hat when the new one appeared I saw the dick and the hard hat title first. I said oh no..poor girl got hacked..ha ha..silly me..amadickus got served. TOTALLY not in the way he wanted.