Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Ms. Wannabe

Well I had some shade thrown at me yesterday by a hater. Yes, a hater. A current girlfriend of an ex of mine is a lil obsessed with what this Superfoxxx is cooking in her kitchen. The long and the short of it was, a while back I dated this dude with a lying problem. It didn't end well cause it never does with liars. Needless to say, we went our different ways-thank the freak God. Anyway, he hooks up with this girl who I sort of know but not really. She seemed nice when I met her although she smoked a lot of pot, but pot heads are typically wasted space in the world of drug addicts. My buddy Chacho used to say he detested pot heads because of their smell and because they would never do him sexual favors when they couldn't pay for their drugs. But it was a way to deal to the white kids. I digress.

Anyway, this chick was a wannabe everything. For a minute she was a wannabe comedian. She went to a second rate conservatory and is a wannabe singer and actress. And she used to be a wannabe model before she gained a ton of weight. She is one of those bitches who has no mirror. She smokes pot, gets the munchies, and packs on the pounds. But she still dresses like a skinny bitch when she is a fat bitch.

I had no problem with her until she started throwing shade. I had no idea she was even dating my loser ex. Well it all started Valentine's Day 2010 when I was doing a show at a place that she worked. My posters mysteriously disappeared. One night they were ripped down. As a result no one came to my show. Needless to say I didnt put two and two together. At this point I still liked her because I had no issue with her actually. I saw her and that she had dyed her hair some putrid color like she always did and said hi. I commented on her hair and lied that I liked it when really it looked so bad she should have just shaved it off. Well instead of chit chatting like she normally did this girl couldnt look me in the eye and ran away from me as if I told her I had a gun. I was like, what did I do to this girl? I felt bad actually. Had I did/said something? The whole thing was odd. Then I heard her being reamed out by someone else for her low blow tactics and how "a person isnt worth your energy like that and I really do want you to succeed."

WTF.....And by the way three more of my posters disappeared.

Well six weeks later a then friend showed me my ex's profile and I saw that he and Ms. Wannabe were dating. My mouth dropped open. No wonder the bitch hadnt wanted to look me in the eye. She was the one ripping down my fucking posters! I was beyond livid and called a friend of mine screaming my head off. He said I had no proof but I knew. And then friends of mine told me to calm down but I knew she did. Who else would have had motive?

Then around the time this crap started happening I went to that club to visit because I had something to do and saw Ms. Wannabe and she gave me the big hello. Well she is a big girl and could have been a lumberjack in a previous life. She picked me up and gave me a hug. I was like, "Why are you trying to be my friend?" Basically, she was overkill. I knew she fucked with my posters so I began to talk about a guy I used to date in Queens to make it awkward and get under her skin. I shouldnt have played so low but it was fun to dig it in that her boyfriend was so in love with me at one point. And I also mentioned I cheated on him the entire time, news I knew that would get back to him and would make him freak out and ruin both their nights.

Then the next time she saw me was even freakier. I had just been on television a bunch and had just made a slew of friendemies. When I saw her she dyed her hair my color blonde. She also wore an outfit designed for a more petite, skinny girl. Not someone almost six feet tall and packing on the pounds. The lipstick shade was close to mine. One of my friends remarked all she needed was a puppet and she could be a giant April Brucker. Well I ended up talking to this chick because it appeared she wanted to make peace. Whatever. Life is too short to be mad, plus she was mentally ill clearly. Well she starts quizzing me about my ex and asking why guys have such an issue when you have a past. And then she told me the only way she tolerates being with him is by drinking and smoking pot and popping pills.

The experience freaked me out.

A few weeks later I was fired from said club anyway. And when I was fired and found out on the internet there was a rumor that I was drinking and partying hard and that's why I got fired. It came from the regulars at the club, a circle that Ms. Wannabe is a part of. After that I started making videos. And when I started making videos guess who started making videos? When I started putting music on the radio guess who starts singing again? This all was too weird for me. So weird that when I told my friend Marcus about it he encouraged me to write a rap song about this weird ass bitch. Did I mention she dissed me on several gossip sites as well?

Well after a while this chick sort of cooled off. I think it's because she and my ex moved in and as long as she wasn't bothering me I didn't care. Like the rest of the world she was my facebook friend, too. I mean, plus he was just a guy. He didn't mean that much to me. I figure the loss of a man is nothing compared to the loss I felt for Chacho and Joe, and my heart still aches that Joe isn't here to enjoy my book. Compared to the hole in my heart that left some guy is just a guy and they can be replaced.

I saw she was doing stuff a few times that didn't involve stalking me and actually congratulated her. I mean, she had a life, why not? Plus my ex and his crew like to play games and they found someone feeble enough to feed in, and I can tell you from experience that they capitalize on a person's weakness and exploit it to no end. A few days ago we accidentally crossed paths on a thread and even agreed. I didn't mind. I mean, my ex is just a man. They have the same set of equipment and have the same tricks.

Well yesterday for some reason some link brought me to Ms. Wannabe's page. My ex's mother is insane and tries to cozy up to all of his girlfriends. To give you a background on Mrs. Sicko she is deeply involved in Al-Anon, a twelve step program, and takes pride in almost shooting her alcoholic husband. Everyone in the family is in therapy or on psych meds, and she used to write me detailed letters saying God commanded her to write to me and that her son was in fact my soul mate. Well those two were trashing me!

The exchange went as follows:

Mrs. Sicko: Thank you for sending the New Year's greetings. Is April painfully aware that she is not funny? Seriously, she is not funny.

Ms. Wannabe: I was not planning to run into her on facebook. But sadly I don't think she is aware.

Part of me was like, WHAT? That was just mean and hurtful. I was nice to this girl and all she ever did was harass me and rip down my posters! I did nothing to her.

But then I had to look at the big picture. I have published a book, am recording my book on tape, have been on television a bunch, had a hit song on the internet and am working on a musical. Not to mention as of yesterday I am now working with Jeff Dunham's puppet maker. Did I mention I went to NYU, trained at Strasberg, and worked with some of my idols who even went so far as to speak very highly of me?

This girl is not only eating my sloppy seconds, but her biggest claim to fame is extra work. Not to mention I record original music and she can only do covers. I get to go to events and meet people that she can only watch from her TV, where she can also watch herself being an extra and watch me being a featured person on shows. Oh and she went to a second rate drama program that is ridiculed in most circles.

I thought about making a bitchy video but instead I figured I would do what my friend Joe suggested I do with this bitch when he was alive, live a better life and tune her the hell out.

And when I see her in my travels I will take a page from my friend Chacho. I will ask, "Do I know you?" That will kill her, my stupid ex, and his even stupider mother. Oh, did I mention she has gained more weight and I am close to a six pack?

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available as an ebook on Amazon Kindle
Available as an ebook on Nook and as a hardback on

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