Monday, January 21, 2013

Someone Like You (Adele)

I have been having morbid cold weather curosity and faintly remembered that crap killed the cat. Sure the cat killed Tweetie but this crap ultimately made Sylvester a pladder at the Asian eatery up the road in the rural hick town. It is all true. It really is.

I have been looking up old boyfriends and the women they are either dating or married to. Not because I really care or it would do me any good. Just because a part of me wants to know, where are they now?

One is married. He has a kid and seems happy. I still remember how much I care about him. Seeing him happy made me happy because I have let him go. The other part of me sort of resented him because I really loved him and he sort of strung me along. He had all sorts of excuses why he couldn't be my boyfriend and blah blah blah but the second I moved on would appear like a phantom over the horizon. He broke my heart really bad. But he was right, I wasn't ready for a relationship. My encounters with him are always weird. In part he feels like he was responsible for my meeting my fiance and that disaster. The ego in me feels maybe he regrets marrying his wife. My group of friends confided in me that despite this issues I was his number one and she knew it. That's why she hates me so much. But they seem well suited for each other and have another kid on the way. She is more laid back while he is outgoing just like me. We would have killed each other.

Then someone I dated on the rebound is engaged. He was more in love with himself than anyone else. Still I could picture him in front of the mirror saying to himself flexing his muscles, "We ought to stop meeting like this. People will start to talk."

Another guy I dated on the rebound from my fiance is in a relationship. He was a bit of a party animal when I knew him and spent six hundred bucks on me in the course of a night. They said he was a ladies man. My fiance never spent a dime on me, and I would always pay his way. This dude treated me like a lady and now he has a lady. I dont mind it. We just had some fun. But still, how time changes and how things get crazy.

Then of course there was one guy I was mean to. It's a long story. He was so nice to me and I had been through a hell of a lot. The second he was kind to me I just kicked him in the face. I know I did. But my ex fiance was stalking me at the time and I wanted saved. Now he hates my guts and posts about it when he can and so does his current girlfriend when she isnt trying to be me in a way. I say I hate them all in one breath but in the other I feel guilty I used to make him cry. In one breath I say if I can make you cry you werent a man, but in the other I know I was just that much of a bitch.

After him I looked up some guys I wasn't so nice to because I was into bad boys. They have girlfriends, are married, have kids. It's all too late.

I know my guy problems are my doing. Sometimes I am smart, too smart and just have to be right. Then there are those times where I just want to be liked that badly. Of course I am pretty much damaged from all the morons I dated and don't trust anyone which is a problem. Plus my career and puppets come first and then family and somewhere to the bottom of the list is my man. Faithful, ha. I get bored. Why can't I just have an open relationship? May Wilson suggested that.

All my ex boyfriends say I am a drama queen with issues. Maybe I am. They hate me and I hate them. We are even. At least I am consistent that way.

However, there will come a time that perhaps I will want the happily ever after and the person who loves me for me and all that happy horse shit. There is a part of me that is so used to men failing me and so used to being alone that I don't care. But then there is a part of me that is afraid to be alone forever.

There are a thousand factors as to why I screw up the way I do. I could blame the psychotic ex fiance who used to hit me and stalk me but I think it was even before then. I could blame the gnawing insecurity called being a fat girl. I could blame May Wilson, she is stealing all my friends on facebook.

Maybe I'll get a prison pen pal.  That way me and Mr. Convict can run off into the sunset making him a fugitive. I have fallen for a fugitive before. I can make it work. I tried it before and it failed but I learned how to make it better. Instead of a carriage ride we will have a high speed chase. God this is a fucked up fairy tale.

Disney you have corrupted my mind. Walt Disney is a racist, anti-Semite and probable homophobe.

Happy New Year!

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Kindle and Nook
Portion of Proceeds go to RAINN

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