Thursday, January 24, 2013

Jesus in My Underwear Drawer

I don't know what it is about people but as soon as they find Jesus they go ape shit. It's not like it is ever a good thing when they find him. Actually those like me who were born going to church have more of a whatever attitude. I love God and I consider myself more spiritual than religious. I leave room for all beliefs no matter how crazy. Heck, I was raised in a faith that taught a man was born from a chick who was a virgin and no sexual contact took place-but an angel told her she was embarking on the most spiritual-and probably painful when you think about it-event of her life. This is not medically possible but there have been millions of people killed over this. Fo' McSerious.

A former friend of mine from back in the day has recently found Jesus. She has joined this whacky church where they go seven days a week and stuff. I mean, already that is a big, red light. Anyway, she posts about going and all the things the pastor says. He says some things that are on point. But then it's the fact they are so obsessed is a big red light. These days my buddy is ending all of her sentences in an exclamation point. That is another sign of just nuts. Not to mention she used to be all Democrat and even joined Amnesty International with us when we were in high school. Now she takes her vitamins with her daily dose of Fox News. It's one thing to lean a little to the right, it's another just to be crazy. My buddy is just crazy.

A girl I went to high school with who was a bit of a wild child and her mom used to show up to places bra less and was cool has now become a Jesus freak. She preaches to anyone who will listen. She has even gone so far as to open up a Jesus Cafe. Would it be appropriate to ask for Devil Food Cake? Or better yet, should I tell her Jesus was a Jew?

A little fan girl of mine went and joined a crazy church. She was a good kid and I liked her. But then she started to change and once I posted gay people deserved rights and she said that Jesus didnt want us comfortable in our sin and blah blah blah. I was like, "This is not you." Needless to say she stopped following me. Someone who is that militant is never happy. That is all there is to it.

I had a former puppet maker of mine go Jesus Freaky on me. She announced she would not contribute any more to my act. Apparently she didnt find my so called "irreverence" funny. Whatever. Meanwhile I had sent this nut job my mother, my sister, and several of her friends. Jesus may have watched over her, but I kept her business going for a little bit even when her level of production was unpredictable and she didnt follow directions because it was against God's will. My belief is that she suffers from bi-polar disorder, because I have encountered her in the midst of severe mood swings and all. I do believe that she is one of those people who is holding on to God because she holds on by a thread.

That's what irks me most about Christianity. A lot of people who are overzealous adherents are in fact holding on by a thread. It's one thing to love God, it's another thing to just be nuts. I dated a guy a few years ago who's mother claimed she had a direct link to God. I had been engaged to a complete psycho-an atheist by the way-when I met George Washington. Unlike his counterpart who couldnt tell a lie George could never tell the truth. Anyway, his mother wrote me several letters a week starting with the phrase, "God told me to write to you" and boasted of how God talked to her. Each would wrap up with how her son was my soul mate. Needless to say her boy was not my soul mate. And when we broke up this lady began trashing me to anyone who would listen. I found her a few weeks ago trashing me. I was like Liz, what would Jesus do.

My mom is currently being bullied by some mouth breathing mega-church goers she made the mistake of doing business with. I told her this: The Man they used to own is now running their country. The people their book says are going to hell are not only getting rights, but now they going to be forced under the law to marry them in their churches. And you have several degrees so you are't making babies. Not to mention they want to teach Creationism-a story where God was bored one day, created a man, and then created a woman. They decry evolution despite the fact there is fossil evidence to back it up. And Creationism is just a story and does not even begin to explain the dinosaurs. These morons want it to be taught alongside Chemistry and Biology.

Sigh, I just found Jesus in my underwear drawer. God does he like Victoria's Secret.

Actually, that's a lie. The NRA loves God and guns and accidentally shot him as an intruder. I mean, that long hair and robe is kind of off putting.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available as an ebook on Kindle and Nook
Portion of the Proceeds go to RAINN


  1. dont worry about them people are jesus freaks and are obssed with church,i dont know what to say just dont listen to them, a church is not god, it only a place to study god or the bible,god loves everyone equal and it dont matter who you are,its ok just let them people talk the way they do, and you can talk the way you want

  2. the world can be very missleading, and tricking,why i try to do is have a open mind to eveything,and its ok to get mad or happy,i have all the seasons,i just try to be humble.