10 Things I Would Tell Young Comedians

10. Don’t take part in gossip. It’s a waste of time and it is a bottom feeder tactic. You aren’t at open mics to make friends. You are there to have a career. Gossip will slow you down and sometimes your words might even come back to haunt you.

9. A booker will book a marginally talented comedian who is easy to get along with over a talented comedian who gets drunk, gets disrespectful with staff, and has sex in the restroom with audience members. What I am trying to say is be funny but also act professionally. After all, you are at work.

8. Not everyone will think you are funny, and don’t take it personally. Comedy is extremely subjective. There are some people who think Dane Cook should be roasted alive, others think he is the cat’s meow. Some think Tosh is a genius, I think he is a man who got a leg up because of the gender bias in this business simply because he is A MAN AND HAS NO TALENT WHATSOEVER. There are some who adore me and some who wish I would die. Bottom line, people will like you or hate you. Don’t let it ruin your day.

7. Don’t let one bad set ruin your life. Everyone bombs. Sometimes it is just a pipe bomb, sometimes it is big enough to destroy an island nation a la 1945. Let it go. There are many factors that go into tanking. Sometimes it is the night. Sometimes you are tired. Sometimes the crowd hates you because you are white, a woman, or a white woman. Sometimes it is that you are green. Either way, use it to get better. And also use it as a lesson that now you know what to do the next time.

6. Being passed at a club means NOTHING. At the beginning of my career I made it a goal to get passed at clubs that I viewed as the finest establishments. I got a lottery number, I brought peeps, you name it I did it. However I soon found out that was the biggest sand trap. Passed comedians did not get on TV or get careers. Passed comedians were lucky if they got one paid spot every three months at some dives. So just because someone is passed it does not mean their career is better. It just means they were perhaps the right gender or ethnic group to fill a quota.

5. Comedy is not fair. Everyone has a strike against them in the game. Sometimes being a certain ethnic group works in your favor if the industry is pushing it. Sometimes it works against you if the industry is burnt out on it. Most of the time being a woman, especially a young woman, will make you the pariah amongst ugly women comedians or will make male club owners think you are their fuck on a platter. That being said, every dog has their day in the dog house. It’s how you deal with it that makes you stronger.

4. Pay your dues. I have heard comedians complain about bringing and barking who have only been at the game for two months. I have heard comedians who have only been doing this a year complain about the mics. I have news for you, some of the best comedians I know cleaned toilets for several years. At one year you aren’t ready for prime time. So do what you have to do to get stage time.

3. Do not be afraid to branch out. A lot of people think standup is the only way to go. It can be a way to go, but it doesn’t mean it has to be the only thing you do. Translated, all the mice are going for the same piece of cheese. Don’t be afraid to take an acting class, do a podcast, write a blog whatever. The times my career has been most successful and fulfilling is when I am auditioning for TV shows, making my own videos, publishing books, making music and of course PERFORMING STANDUP.

2. Starve the negativity. It is very easy to make friends with negative people in comedy, especially older pros who feel the world owes them something. Being around them dampens your love for comedy and eventually you will view it as work and not as something you are blessed to have and passionate to do. Also, you will limit your own creativity and destiny by being trapped in the proverbial crap of their making. Just don’t succumb.

1. It is a marathon not a sprint. Like all races, some people start out front but then their breath dies and they drop off. I knew people hot out of the gate that years later are no where to be found, and then people who worked for years and finally took off. That being said, while standup is the starting line the finish line is different for everyone. For some the destination is purely standup. For others the destination is acting/radio. Then there are those who become writers. And then there are the folks behind the scenes as producers, club owners, and managers. The beauty is if you stick with the race and finish, no matter what your destination, everyone who finishes the race ends up working together. 

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available at 877-Buy-Book, Amazon.com
E-Book available at Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available in the Spring of 2103
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Time To Pretend (MGMT)

It never ceases to amaze me how comedians and other performers will inflate their resumes to make themselves sound important. The other day I was walking past a place I once performed at on my way home from another show. As the barker shouted the names of various performers he said, "Comedians from NBC, CBS, and MTV."

I nodded and asked who they were because I was curious. Then he said the name of some hack that I know was not on MTV. Oh yes, the hack was on MTV. He was an audience member when Usher performed. My mouth dropped open. As someone who has been on television and who takes pride in her credits being real, this threw me for a loop. Sure, take your credits where you can get them but this was a reach. I had to laugh. We are all a little guilty. I thanked the barker who was working hard and left. WOW. I don't mean to get petty but this was a little ridiculous.

Then again so much about this business is ridiculous. When I log onto facebook I see facebook comedians, the people who talk about what a career they have on facebook. Maybe they do a club or two or three and that is it. But they need to tell the world how they are doing comedy and blah, blah, blah and then they bitch that the industry is not fair. It's not fair to you because you are on facebook and only talk. You don't exactly do.

Then again, what do I know? I only wrote a damn book, am recording an audio book, have had my music get minor radio airplay, have seen national television time with my puppet children. Did I mention I break my ass all the freaking time and was so tired I could barely stand yesterday?

What I hate is when men assume women slept their way to get anything. I remember when people were saying I had gotten some television time because I slept with someone and although it wasn't true it still hurt. The other day I made my way to open mic land and this male comedian was ripping up this woman saying, "Well, she is sleeping with Mr. X. I hope it gets her what she wants." The gosipper isn't even a bad guy actually, but he had just fallen into a trap. I heard this and my ears burned. I told them it wasn't nice to spread lies, especially if they had no basis in reality and this was so ugly it probably wasn't true. I don't know the girl in question but I know how much it would hurt her to hear it, because I remember how much it hurt me.

Even if it is true this chick isn't going to win. I know women who have tried that. On their back, they fucked aiming for the top in this man's world but only got to the middle because they didn't have the goods. Being in the middle and looking at the top is worse than being on the bottom and dreaming of the top. If it is true, I feel bad for this girl because this will not end well. Still, I hate gossip. To me it is a form of bullying.

To me the worst are the wannabes. Yes, the people who want to be. One is the current gal pal of an ex of mine. She can have the ex, he is on enough psych meds to make a battle ship sink, not to mention he doesnt have his hair. But this bitch disses me online. I wouldn't care what she does except she ripped down my posters several times. During this most recent diss I wanted to set the record straight. I wanted to inform her that I got on television shows as a guest that she could only watch. Her only television time was as an extra, something she would probably do forever. Not to mention her home club was one I got fired from, and I put them on television and she would always be there to rot and disappear. Oh and I wrote a book, she probably can't even read. Not to mention while she has a half decent voice she can only sing covers on youtube while my music gets on the radio.

But she's a wannabe. She got a blog entry two days ago and now gets another paragraph. Then I realize how much haters have always motivated me. In middle school a group of girls made my life so miserable that I had to reach into my heart and discovered I could make people laugh. Another group of haters said I looked like a scary movie and I made it my business to be a good ventriloquist. Another group of haters said I was a sucky comedian and would never amount to anything. They are still minor fixtures on the alt scene while I have a cult following. An old acting teacher of mine said I would never be an actor and didn't have it, well she is still rotting in a cramped studio and not only have I been on television and movies but have been told by Broadway vets I have it. Did I mention I have my own musical I am working on?

This is a journey of faith

This is a journey of hope

Sometimes I think I did the wrong thing with myself. I dont have my own sit com yet. I am not where I want to be. This is not the way I planned it. In some ways it is better than my plan.

I reach for the stars.

It is time to pretend.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Available on BarnesandNoble.com as well as Nook
Portion of proceeds got o RAINN

Burning Bridges

Yesterday I was supposed to do some club date somewhere. It was last minute. It would have been a pain in the ass to go but I am trying to get onstage again. Got the email. Said I would be happy to do it. Had an early morning, whatever.

Then they email me saying that I am being bumped because one of the shows regulars can make it after all, and he has a history of killing. One I was never told I was a replacement, and second, I have things the shows regular does not such as a following, a career, and a new book out. I wrote the producer a cunty letter. I dont know what hurts worse, being bumped for a less deserving comic or being bumped for a less deserving man.

I had posted about the stupid club date and in my fury-I tend to act before I think-I said I would never be working there. I didnt name the club. I just said the date was off and we wouldnt be working together. They chose to treat me like rabbit shit, I wouldnt bad mouth them. I would get them in their wallet.

Well the plot thickens. The club responds to my post telling me that I was told I was a replacement and that I was replaced by a regular who was a woman. And that I shouldnt resort to libel and that they sponsor some shitty women in comedy festival. Wow. Now the shit is on. First off, as I said I was never told I was a replacement. Second, the comic who I was replacing was referred to by a male pronoun making me think it was a FUCKING MAN I was replacing.SO YOU ARE LYING ON MY FACEBOOK WALL TO MAKE ME LOOK CRAZY BECAUSE YOU ARE AN EGOMANIAC AND A BULLY. Third, good for you for promoting a women in comedy festival. I went to your last festival and last mixer and NO ONE CAME. It was pitiful at best so I left. I also leveled with this particular booker, a bully and this was his latest tactic, that a few years ago my ex fiance cyber bullied me on his site. This was one chapter in a stalking drama that ended up with me getting a different email address. This particular booker defended my ex saying that it was his first amendment right to post half naked pictures and to write slut over them. So I told this moron while we were on the topic I should have sued him. I also informed him not to get so panty wasted. He wasnt booking me and probably never would, and I never intended to work with him. And then I blocked his ass.

I then emailed him and told him to get my shit off of his site. I had no intent of ever working with him nor did I want people to think that I could be booked off of there. I made two new enemies. One producer, and one club booker.

When I was younger I was such a doormat that I let everyone walk all over me. Whether it was producers who threatened me with their demands because I was new, older male comedians who tried to sexually harass/ attemted to abuse/blackmail me, or male producers who tried to hide me because I was obviously more talented than they were. I took it and I believed turning the other cheek would get me where I needed to go. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that wasnt the case. There were people who would abuse me because I was young. The men who sexually harassed/attempted to abused/blackmailed me, well the shit holes will always be their homes be their homes, but it is fitting because they are shit. The producers that hide me are still producing in the same dark holes with their friends. They can hide me all they want but I'm the one people always talked about, and now they take photos with me.

These days I look at an experience like this. While my friend Roger willed himself out of this world, I think looking back he knew a thing or two. Maybe he got himself in lots of trouble but you didnt tread on him. Who just released a book, has a shot going to Manhattan International Film Festival, has been on God knows how many TV shows, and had a number one hit on internet radio for five weeks? Not their regular who routinely kills/male or female, I can tell you that. So I made two new enemies. We werent meant to work together and this booker has a history of not paying people and threatens his talent. Maybe the fact we arent working together is a good thing. I dont think he expected for me to tell him to get fucked and to block him.

As I said, I intend to get him in his wallet by never working with him or playing his club. I always keep a promise. While I still am angered about being bumped for a less qualified comic, regardless of their gender by a wannabe producer who knows nothing about comedy and clearly doesn't own a TV, it shows I am still the devil in my own backyard. On the otherhand,standup is sort of dying a slow and painful death and has been since the early 90s. Maybe I am not meant to get back on this train as other doors are opening that do things like pay. But then again, I do have a book to sell.

From the beginning it didnt look like I was taking this bridge with these people. Aside from not being a whiny woman or a dorky dude, I just had an inkling. Plus they employ a former acquaintance of mine who betrayed me by publishing libelous accusations about me on several occasions because I have a career and he doesnt. This probably already was not going to work. I already had one enemy there, now I just added two more. They say two's company and three's a crowd.

That being said I dont think I just torched these bridges, I put gasoline on them before they exploded in a fire bombing attack. Then again, I have told a few people to fuck off. I always say Roger left that part of his personality with me on the planet. While it has closed a few doors for me, these were doors that didnt lead to any room I wanted to be in or go to in the first place. At the same time, the doors that are supposed to open will, and I firmly believe God will guide me to where I need to go. But it doesnt look like I am taking a certain bridge in Long Island City.

Love, April

I Came,I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

877-Buy-Book

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