Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear World

Dear World,
April is such a whining loser. If she weren't my voice I would have dumped her a long time ago. All she does is blog about her friends and stuff and whines about no good men in NYC. She is such a chowder head. So self important. Not to mention she does not know how to dress and she is the worst wing woman ever when I want to get guys. April is seriously making me look like a hack prop act, worse than Carrot Top, when we go to the comedy clubs. People laugh at her not with her. I have been trying to tell her she is a reject but she never listens. I need some divine intervention-May Wilson
Which one of us looks hotter? Certainly not the one in the blue dress, I can tell you that.

RIP Greg Giraldo

Yesterday the comedy community lost a great star and a wonderful talent to perscription drug overdose. This man, who was the best thing on Last Comic Standing and the roast master is yet another casualty of addiction. RIP Dear Heart.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Complaint With April This Week

Dear World,
April makes me sleep in a trunk. When she calls me her child I feel like she should go to jail because sometimes I cannot breathe. Ted Bundy's victim's also slept in trunks and look at them now. I am the star of the act. I demand better treatment. World help me, or whomever is reading. May Wilson

Crush of the Week

This week's crush of the week is Mike Posner. While I have been hooked on Cano, the risk of him being deported was too high and I didnt know whether or not he had a greencard. Sure, Tebow was cool and would try to get me into heaven, but I should be the center of my man's universe. All I would hear about was Jesus if Tebow were to be my husband, and we would be spending much too much time in church and he wouldnt spend any time tackling me instead :(

So I settled on Mike Posner. He graduated from Duke and comes from money in Southfield, Michigan. While Michigan is a turn off because I believe the state should succeed from the union and most everyone with the exception of my dear friend Nate Mitchell (whom I love dearly) is defective from that state of the union. Maybe Mike will be exception number two. In addition Mike's Dad is Jewish which makes him fiscally sound without having to have our children spin that little top they spin, wear the little Heb cap, and skip Christmas. While it doesn't matter to me it matters to my mother so I am telling her in advance so she doesn't do a Sylvia Plath in the oven. Anyway, he also has a hit single. Which means he is making plenty of money and therefore I can do a Courtney Love riding on his coattails as I chase my B plus career.

My first pretend boyfriend who has a job that pays, that's legal, and that he's really good at. I am stepping up in the world.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Things I Am Thankful For

A is for assholes. They make me feel better about being badly behaved.
B is for Blood Sport, one of the best karate movies of all time.
C is for cook outs. Its a great way to socialize while getting a free meal.
D is for deadbeats. Who else would I date?
E is for Evergreen. It is the Streisand song that cured my insomnia.
F is for free things. They are great when you are broke.
G is for glory holes. Okay, my gay friends sort of hi-jacked this list.
H is for Hell Boy, he rocks but I wouldnt want him to father my child.
I is for iced cream. What else gets me through a psychotic lonely night?
J is for jokes. What else do I attempt to crack behind the mic.
K is for Kim Cjisters. She is my new girl crush of the week. If I go gay she will be my girlfriend.
L is for love. While it makes me puke it's not half bad when practiced well.
M is for money. I like having it in my pocket.
N is for nuts. Okay, get your mind out of the gutter.
O is for opals. They have no significance whatsoever. I just needed something that was O.
P is for peace sign. It makes me look cool when I flash it.
Q is for quiet. Sometimes I need it to write my list of names.......just kidding.
R is for retarded people. They make it okay to ride a bus and wear a fanny pack.
S is for sleepovers with my gay boys. How else am I supposed to sleep in the same bed as a hottie?
T is for TV dinners. Microwaved cooked and ready to go.
U is for underwear. You never know when you will have an accident.
V is for vitamins. They protect me from germs.
W is for worms. They gross prissy girls out and are a source of protein.....okay, maybe not.
X is for X's. Okay, ex's, but I like to know I Xed them out of my life when I see that they look ugly
Y is for Yukon. Because supposedly that is where the Klondike is from.
Z is for zebras. They serve no purpose except the fun things to do at the zoo.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear World

Dear World,
April is afraid of relationships after her ex made her choose the ventriloquism or him. Granted, he was a cheating and lying fool who did nothing but abuse April verbally, physically, and mentally. Not to mention he was fat and totally sucked when it came to pleasing her. I know because I was on the shelf the entire time. What to do? Should I put her on Sincerely, May Wilson

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Top 10 Questions of the Week

10. If OJ Simpson ever got the electric chair, would he be "juiced?"
9. Kei$ha is the Food Club version of Lady Gaga. If Gaga has the meat dress, why can't this annoying slut who can't carry a tune just go to the meat grinder?
8. Since 9/11 is a date that will live in infamy, out of respect should we stop calling 9-11 in case of emergency?
7. Tiger Woods is living in Manhattan and his divorce is final. Does that make him out of the cage and on the prowl?
6. Darius McCollum, a bus thief who drives buses and returns them, is facing jail time. To the money hungry MTA: Screw pressing charges. Not only does he love to drive the bus but he will work for free. Give that man a job.
5. Okay, cage match. Sarah Palin v. Hillary Clinton. One has the daughter who's a slut, the other has the daughter who is ugly. Who will emerge the victor?
4. To Sarah Palin, why are we questioning Obama's citizenship now? You should have done that back in 2008.
3. A Rod and Cameron Diaz are dating each other. Does this mean that two has-beens can still find love?
2. Why doesn't K Rod use his arm to help the Mets win instead of beating up his father in law?
1. Most of the homeless people in NYC are homeless not because they are down on their luck but because a drug habit put them there. Word to those who think the money they give them buys them a cup of coffee, you are a fool, they are buying booze and crack. So question is why shouldnt we have them pay rent? Not only will they stop being freaking vagrants, but it will magically make their drug problem disappear.

Winner of the Week

Craig Breslow is the smartest man in major league baseball. With competition like the womanizing A Rod and the father in law beating K Rod is there really much competition? Not to mention Roger Clemmons who is changing his story like a zebra changes his stripes and then there is good old Barry Bonds, who's nickname should be A Hole. What about Mark McGuire, who went neck and neck with Sammy Sosa will juiced up? Or what about Sammy Sosa, who achieved his record with a cork bat. Translated, to all the kids in the barrio he cheated to beat McGuire who was already cheating. Then there was the business of Senor Sosa doing the Michael Jackson skin lightning. Where has the spirit of baseball gone? Roberto Clemente, who endured racism and prejudice as a result of being both black and Latino, gave shamelessly to his homeland in order to help the children and died on a plane trip doing charity work. As someone who always spoke out against prejudice and tried his best to live a good life despite being in the baseball spotlight, he would be rolling around in his grave.

However maybe there is hope. Craig Breslow, unlike his Spanglish speaking, tobacco chewing counterparts went to Yale. Playing baseball there, he was accepted into NYU medical school before being drafted into the minor leagues. Okay, he is smart and he can play. Does he do anything else? The answer is yes. When he was a kid his sister Lesley was diagnosed with cancer when she was thirteen. The whole family literally slept in the hospital. By the grace of God, Allah, or Bob the Pink Bunny she recovered and has been in remission for two decades. Today, she is married and expecting her first child. However, the experience of having cancer touch his life stayed with our Mr. Breslow. So as a result he started the Strike 3 Cancer Foundation.

In between games and practice, Craig Breslow operates the foundation and raised over one hundred thousand dollars for children in need of bone barrow transplants for Yale's Children's Cancer Center last year. Meeting with his business manager he seems to merge both pro baseball and professional fundraising seemlessly. As Craig Breslow explained, "You just can't turn your back on a sick kid."

So it goes to show you, have lofty goals but stay in school. You never know when you can use both. Also, while the brain is important follow your heart.

Lastly, he is good looking and good hearted, rate combo. Me wonders, is he single?

"I strike out the other team and cancer at the same time, not to mention I went to Yale and almost went to medical school. I am a good catch. However, it isn't really me talking but April typing this caption."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Christine O'Donnell: New Tea Party Star

This is the new star of the Tea PArty. Everyone is raving about her. Personally I think she is an uglier version of Sarah Palin. Let me know what you think? She has the same red blazer, the same pearls, but her hair needs some work and she needs to lose some weight to catch up to her sexier counterpart. As long as you are trying to knock off the original, the goal is to look better and not worse. At least wear black, it's slimming fattie.
I am not as cute but I will soon have a retarded baby

10 Ways The World Would Be A Better Place

10. If we could clothes line some of the people who ride bikes. It reminds them that not only aren't they cars but pedestrians are not moving targets.
9. The people from the Westboro Baptist Church should be banned from being on TV and spreading their hate. They are terrorists, plain and simple.
8. Let the gays marry. They have spent years working as your florist and planning your wedding, now let them have their day in the sun.
7. Women need to stop fighting amongst themselves. It's not the glass ceiling that holds us down but our own catty selves.
6. That women who are over forty stop wearing skimpy clothing exposing their C-section scar and saggy skin.
5. While we are on the topic of women, stop all public breast feeding. No one wants to go to second base with you. And if the kid is eighteen months old it should be on a bottle, not on your boob.
4. If guys wouldnt grab themselves in public. While I dont have one and dont know the pain of adjusting, we all don't want to see you do a Michael Jackson.
3. If K Rod would use his hand for helping the Mets win rather than hitting his father in law.
2. Why not take the rapists and child molesters out into the street and have a public stoning. Science has shown that they cannot be rehabilitated and the world should be a safe place for any and all people to wander around naked in the privacy of their backyard as they run through the sprinkler.
1. Screw the Mosque at Ground Zero. No one will ever be happy about it. Build a Costco. That way it is something that everyone of all faiths can use.

Dealing With People Who Suck

This is an open note from April and May. We are dealing with some people who hurt our feelings,typically an alcoholic sociopath who has been stalking us and spreading lies and hatred. He is stupid and makes us feel insignificant. I know being a bully makes him feel better about himself but what kind of man picks on two little girls trying their best to make it? We are so poor we have to pay for our Prada with laundry quarters. April's current squeeze is unemployed and May has yet to find a sugar daddy. This man claims to be much more accomplished than us, but he is stalking us. Plain and simple, he wants us both sexually. While this man claims to be gay, we believe he is only gay for pay and really wants to bone us. We both find this disturbing and not only hope this individual accepts his sexuality, whatever it may be regardless of money, and get the love and help he truly needs.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

We Still Love You Reggie

Reggie Bush, who has been under investigation from the Heisman Trust, voluntarily gave up his trophy and forfeited his title as the 2005 Heisman winner. He gave the following statement:
“It is for these reasons that I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005, The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting. In no way should the storm around these allegations reflect in any way on the dignity of this award, nor on any other institutions or individuals. Nor should it distract from outstanding performances and hard-earned achievements either in the past, present or future.

“For the rest of my days, I will continue to strive to demonstrate through my actions and words that I was deserving of the confidence placed in me by the Heisman Trophy Trust. I would like to begin in this effort by turning a negative situation into a positive one by working with the Trustees to establish an educational program which will assist student-athletes and their families avoid some of the mistakes that I made. I am determined to view this event as an opportunity to help others and to advance the values and mission of the Heisman Trophy Trust.”

My response: Reggie did the honorable thing. Maybe he did something he wasn't supposed to do as a USC Student but he gave the trophy back and didnt go out in scandal. As one of the people who saw him give his Heisman acceptance speech it saddens me yet moves me that he voluntarily did the honorable thing by giving his beloved trophy up when he didn't have to. Although he may have participated in activities that he shouldn't have been, he showed he was a true hero with a back bone. Troy Smith who gambled on games wasn't even called into question and then there is OJ Simpson who stalked, brutalized and killed not one but two people. They get to keep their trophies. Does the punishment fit the crime?

Reggie, there are some of us out there that know the truth. We all still love you and wish you continued success in your already promising professional career.
We still love you Reggie and you are still a hero. Now go play some good football and no more banging skanks.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Dear Inez,
We all know you showed up in those painted on jeans in order to get some action....don't lie. I walk around with no shoes and no pants on constantly. It is not just because I am broke and poor but I never know when Mark Sanchez is around. Now you go and cry sexual harassment and destroy it for the rest of us who want Sugar Daddys and to be on the front cover of the Tabloids for the right reason. I hope you die of cholera you illegal immigrant. Signed, May Wilson

I'm a dumb whore who got what I deserved and now I am going to cry, wah!I wear frosty white to cover my dick sucking breath. But it's okay if it's Mexican dick. When it is white dick, no thanks....

Dream man of the Week: Tim Tebow

Robinson Cano you have been dumped. My crush of the week is Rookie of the Year Tim Tebow. From winning the Heisman to that Superbowl Commerical, he makes my heart race. Not to mention I got to meet him and he is mad hot. Basically he is a nice God fearing boy and my puppet May wants to corrupt him. But we will fight to the death over this sexy man of God. One thing for sure, we will all be saying "Jesus Christ" for a different, very wrong, but extremely fun reason :)

Oh and the downside, if he pisses me off I can't deport him. If I piss him off he will start reading the bible.

April Brucker + Tim Tebow =Love for the rest of this week

Dumb Friend of the Week

This past week the stupid friend who did not know her baby's father has been dethroned. Instead she has been replaced by a man I will call Brian. Brian is currently down on his luck. He has been kicked out of the house he and his eighteen year old girlfriend share (he's thirty three) and is living in a shelter. Okay, his eighteen year old girl pal who used to send him naked pics is suing him on charges of stalking and harassment. Well being a man Brian still has his needs. So when they were together Brian made these sex tapes of the two of them and he was holding the camera. As I said Brian has his needs. So when he gets lonely and Jill no longer does the job he pops in one of the sex tapes of him and this girl.

I said to him, "Brian, this is emotionally damaging. You are watching the sex tape you made with a woman who is taking you to court."

"Yes but it was a good sex tape."

"Yes but you can watch a better sex tape with Jenna Jameson."

So Brian counters, "But Jenna doesnt say, 'Oh Brian."

That's when I tell him to just put it up on red tube because he is flat broke. Brian says, "I am not sure whether she was seventeen or eighteen when the tape was made."

Speechless I tell him to destroy it because it could be used in court against him to trump up additional charges. To which he says, "Nah, the tape is too hot."

Sigh, Brian, you are officially the dumb friend of the week. Or weak

Loser of the Week

This past week I got a call from a guy I used to know. He informed me he was in Cali getting dental work done and was doing quite well in his drug program. The gentlemen, who I will call Brent, informed me he had some things he needed to get off his chest as a result of his twelve step program and he was afraid to tell his sponsor. I figured what could be so bad?

A little background on Brent. A few years ago he was on the fringe of a group of friends I had. Not well liked, he was more or less barely tolerated. The guys in the group would tell me I was welcome to come to such and such a place and was welcome at several of their homes anytime. However, I was not welcome as long as I was going to bring Brent. At the time I just thought it was because gay men can be somewhat bitchy sometimes and they were just being judgmental. So I was always friendly to Brent.

Brent started off by telling me at one time he had stolen his roommate’s drugs. I figured okay, while that is bad what could be so bad about this. Well I was wrong. Brent goes on to tell me he was a school teacher in the California School System and while he had been teaching he had molested several of his students. He told me he had molested some of the boys and even grabbed “the titties of some of the girls.” At this point I am ready to vomit. Molesting children is a rotten crime and I believe anyone who is guilty should be stoned in public, end of discussion.

“What grade did you teach?” Was the only question I could eek off of my horrified tongue.

“Oh special ed. They were retards so it’s not like any of them really knew what was going on.” Okay, this was gone from rotten to beyond rotten. There is a special layer of hell for someone who molests special needs children. Not to mention he didn’t even feel guilty about his infraction. Instead he just sort of laughed it off. To call him a worthless human being would not be a stretch.

As you could imagine I was sickened afterwards, having twenty something little cousins myself. I would have called the authorities but I didn’t know his real name because he had changed it. Rest assured when I find out I will make sure this creepozoid is coming to a sex offender registry in a neighborhood near you.

When I told one of my friends who disliked him this friend replied, “April, we knew there was something creepy about him. That’s why we never wanted him around.” Of course, especially any event involving a playground.

So this week’s loser of the week is Brent aka Chester the Molester. Though it was hard to do, my cancer ex has been dethroned.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Guess who I delivered a singing telegram to?

This past Thursday I delivered a telegram to one Alexander Wang from Jen Ramey. Well anyway, it turns out that this isn't just any Wang, but THE ALEXANDER WANG! The telegram was from Jen Ramey at ICM, agent to Kate Moss. I freaking rule. Alexander Wang even wanted to see my face and he said I was pretty. I love you Mr. Alexander Wang. I would marry you but you don't like the vag.

9/11 Reflections

I remember the day the Twin Towers tumbled down. It was my fourth period Humanities class. At the time we were reading Karl Marx and Mr. Tietz, the most beloved history teacher on staff, was our teacher. However on this day there was no discussing Communism. The televisions were on in all of the classes. We were all wondering what the hell provoked these people to do this horrific act? The whole thing was something out of a weird nightmare. Here were all these innocent people going about their lives whether they were working in the Towers or on those planes and then bam, it was taken away in an instant.

For the rest of the day all regular sit coms and other programs were cancelled. It was all about the Twin Towers. Even on the radio there was no Britney, no Usher, just more about the Towers. People were angry. Some of my classmates had even left school early because they had loved ones who worked in New York and they wanted to know if they were still alive. It was one of the most terrifying days in American History and I can say I was alive to witness it.

We even had a family friend who’s son died in the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers. His mother had been a librarian and he had attended Annapolis and majored in Engineering. The young man had a wife, a child, and another one on the way. Then some religious extremist took over his plane, took his life and those of many others. From there in school I heard about how Islam was a war like religion and proof came out that these terrorists had attended American flight schools.

For the longest time it seemed everyone was afraid to fly. My cousin, who at the time was at City Ballet, had to travel a lot for her job. Of course my mother was panicked. My cousin assured her the only time you had to worry was if their shoes were clean. That meant that they were getting ready to die.

Of course this sent the country into an anti-Muslim tailspin. It was so sad that a majority had to pay for the sins of a few. At the time I was just as guilty for hating these people who seemed to oppress women, hate America, and use our resources to destroy us. In the area I lived in those “towel heads with bombs strapped to them” made us all want to spit. Soon everyone and their mother had American flags flying high. At first everyone was all for invading Afghanistan and Iraq. It was all in the name of freedom. We were all for the war and in the words of one of my classmates, “Nuking those sand monkeys.”

Years later this disaster has cast a bleak picture on our country. At the present moment, we are starting to pull out troops out of Iraq. Meanwhile, evidence overtime has shown we had no business being there in the first place. Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Unlike Afghanistan and Iraq, Saddam Hussein had liberated the women of Iraq letting them wear civilian clothing, work, and vote in elections. Abortions were legal and health care was there for all. Yes he killed people who opposed him. But George W. Bush jailed people who opposed him under the Patriot Act? What’s the flipping difference?

I have also gotten to know several persons of the Muslim faith over the years. For the most part they are the farthest thing from terrorists. Rather, the majority of them are peace loving, hardworking, family people who are proud citizens of our country. Much like I, as a Christian, am ashamed of those in my faith who blow up abortion clinics, they share the same sentiment. I count these Muslim men and women as friends. Muhammed, who owns and operates the corner store on my block, reads his Koran every morning to help him have a gracious attitude and positive work ethic on the job. He and his family are not plotting to blow things up. Everyone, children included, are too busy working.

There is much fight about the Mosque at Ground Zero as well. While the placement upsets some because they believe the Muslims are building the Mosque to show they have conquered and it opens wounds, to those people I want to say I understand your pain. I understand why you feel the placement for this is not the best. However, on the same token I know a great many Muslim Americans horrified at the acts of these extremists. Building the Mosque will not dishonor those who perished on 9/11, but rather holding on to the hate and blaming a single religious group will.

Many of the Muslims I have come into contact with and befriended over the years are good family people who would give you the shirt off of their back. Stereotyping them as terrorists is like saying all Jews are thrifty, all blacks are lazy, all Latinos mooch the welfare system, all Asians are bad drivers, all Native Americans are alcoholics. You get my point.

As we look back on this terrible day, take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives. Also remember with all that has happened in the Middle East over the years as well as the bigotry now surrounding the Mosque, these attitudes do not serve the memories of those who perished but tarnish them. Love April

Thursday, September 9, 2010

RIP Rich Cronin

Rich Cronin was one of the hotties of the B-grade Boy Band LFO. While they were never as successful as the Backstreet Boys on  NSync or the New Kids on the Block, they were still better than 98 Degrees. They just gave us "Summer Girls" without marrying Jessica Simpson or getting their own reality show. Why poor Rich and not Nick Lachey?

RIP Hot stuff. The leukemia may have killed you but your spirit lives on. xoxoxo

PS. Latest development.....a woman by the name of May Wilson is claiming to have his love child. More on that later.

Leukemia may have taken you from this Earth but it didnt take you from my heart.

Miss April B: Kim Jong Il

Miss April B: Kim Jong Il: "Kim Jong Il is the most fun evil man in the world. Not only is he a dictator who oppresses the people of North Korea, but he even wrote his ..."

Comment whether you love me or hate me. This is the land of the first amendment. We are all entitled to our opinions

Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il is the most fun evil man in the world. Not only is he a dictator who oppresses the people of North Korea, but he even wrote his own opera which spanned over the period of two days which he was the star of. He also made multiple short films and appeared with Mickey Mouse. Yes he may put his finger on a nuclear reactor but damnit, I heart him anyway. I heart you Kim Jong Il. You may be a dick, but you are happy dictator. When the world ends in an explosion, I will be laughing and having a good time with you.

Learning and Relearning

After not paying as much attention to standup for several months I am back in action and ready to go. I never really left the art of standup comedy but rather just put it on the back burner. Why? Well first and foremost I sort of got burned out. For starters I was doing one to three spots a night every night seldom taking a break. There wasnt a night where I wasnt stumbling home from a club at two in the morning. When I wasn't in the city I was in the tri-state. There would be weeks I would be in Manhattan one night, Long Island the next, Connecticut the next, then it would be a weekend in Delaware. The good part was I was getting pretty decent as a comedian. I was seeing a lot of different crowds and putting away a lot of good sets. Outside of the city, I was even starting to feature and headline. People were talking about all the good work I was doing. I produced my own one person show. Not to mention while I wasn't rolling in the dough and working odd jobs to stay afloat, I was seeing money from comedy.

The downside was that I wasnt getting the respect I deserved in the clubs of New York City. Being passed in the club means shit. You always have to fight for stage time unless you have been on Letterman or unless you are doing bitch work like bringing and barking. When you are passed at the club you still have to fight for stage time, they just might feel obligated to throw you two spots a month. So in the clubs I was getting shit spots when I knew I was more talented than that. Or I was getting passed over because while I had this credit someone else who wasnt as good had that. The more shit spots I did the angrier I got. The angrier I got the less I enjoyed the game and the less I wanted to show up. In some respects I stopped showing up all together. Not to mention some of the odd jobs I was working were bitch work at it's best. I was grinding it there and then being beaten down in my safe place. They say always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Fuck that. I was the flower girl.

Then I was producing my own one person show and had people opening for me. Comedians are always your best friend when you start producing shows. People who didnt even pretend to know me in public suddenly wanted to be my best friend so that they could get a spot. Then there was inviting people, and then inviting more people, and then inviting more people, and then having my people burn out. Then there was the blast on facebook and having all my friends hate me because they grew more and more annoyed with me. While I was getting a spot a week for producing and would most often close the shows in other rooms of said club because the producers knew me, liked me, and knew I would do a good job it felt like I was doing a lot of work for shit. Plus passing out became a regular thing for me. I wasn't sleeping, I was eating like shit, and nothing was going right. I was hitting a cieling with standup.

So after talking to some other people I decided to explore other avenues for my creativity. I started doing puppet videos with the very talented Matt Sky. While I had been away from the television format for a while I was back and making funny videos wasn't just a new and exciting challenge, but being funny was fun again. Inspired by the work Matt and myself did, I began to make videos of my own. Through my puppet video work I got to work with Michael Musto, Harmonica Sunbeam, Kate Clinton, Melba Moore, Jo Lance, Tom Ragu and many others. I also learned the ups and downs of self video production, especially when the audio is bad. I also perfected my puppet work on camera and learned how I think I am perceived versus how I see myself are two very different things. In addition my other puppets made vids which was cool. Doing the puppet video work, because I wanted to make it appeal to mainstream, made me work cleaner because I had to. This was all good.

During that time I also performed tons for children and again, forced to work clean, duh. I also learned children are brilliant creatures, fast learners, and know much mire than we could ever think that they do. I did several literacy events with my puppets and not only made some nice money, but felt very rewarded. I got laughs from the children and the adults and there was not one curse word in my act. Plus kids will let you know where you stand.

I was also on Shovio for a spell where my co-stars along with myself pulled a not so very wise publicity stunt. While we had many people going, we also got a great many people angry. I got into a very public fight with several comedians and ugly words were exchanged. Looking back, the whole thing was quite funny. However, the truth of the matter was I learned a few lessons. One was that there are some topics people get funky death and faking someone's. Another was that when something doesn't go as planned and the returns are bad, worse, and even worse.....aka not only losing favorable public opinion but fans and friends, it is always best to apologize no matter how it hurts your pride. It's not a joke if no one is laughing. Plus when people see you aren't such a dick they will forgive you. Lastly, sometimes you have to swing big and miss to see what works. No regrets.

I also filmed a pilot about a gay softball league. Doing this I got more in front of the camera experience.I also got to re-learn the art of interviewing people and learned to be a good interviewer you have to LISTEN. Some of the people I worked with have worked on Broadway, HBO, and one guy even won an Emmy. I learned a lot about researching people prior to interviewing them as well, and much like standup people will greet you with the energy that you greet them with.

In additon to that I have been pitching a television show. Doing this taught me to dress like a lady and act like an adult. When you pitch a TV show it is nothing like the way Hollywood portrays it in the movies. Some people are interested, others are not. However, you have to be passionate about your idea, eccentric in your way, and still act like a total adult. This was something I wasnt so good at doing until recently. Plus it was an excuse to put on some makeup, dawn my pearls, and try to take over the world.

Was also a part of the first offical authroized version of the Gong Show. I got to perform at BB Kings, and although dissed I was mentioned in the Wall Street Journal. Although gonged, the audience did like me and I got to doll up in fake lashes and have fun. They are doing a second show that I am going to be a part of and we may even go to Vegas. Looking forward to it.

Then there is the book I have been writing. Currently I am on my second draft. Writing a book is a lot of work for that of work. And if anyone knows me they know that I can't spell so it is twice as much work for me.

But however, after a while I missed being onstage and the freedom a live performance gave me. I missed being on the road in front of different audiences. I missed kicking it with my peeps at the pizza parlor. Plus I was getting into way too much trouble in the romantic world. So I decided to start small and went back to the mics. While I hated paying for stage time, something I barely did in the year and a half I was really hitting standup hard, it was time to get back to basics. Sure, I remembered how much I hated the mics and all but the truth was that I needed to be there. I am not on HBO yet and there was a reason for that. I ate up all the free comedy seminars I could and decided to get back on the horse.

Since that time my sets have been up and down, good and bad. However, some of my edginess is gone. This is not all bad. While the edginess was a trademark, the excess was standing in my way of getting better spots. I had one booker who I regard as a friend tell me that if I substracted some of my edginess I would reach everyone more often than not than just hit with some people and then miss with others. While in the last leg of my year and a half I had more hits than misses, I know in my heart he is right and I am ready to take the advice now.

Not to mention I am not taking some of the things other comics say to heart. One comedian was telling me he couldnt come to my mic because he was at such and such a club that night. Meanwhile I may host an open mic but feature on the road and have even headlined. Not to mention I can do extended sets and when I go to mics, people sometimes don't even charge me out of respect. However, I can't let stupid shit like that get to me. It's what crippled me last time.

I am also not as hard on myself. I am what I am and where I am on a particular night. People have good nights and bad nights. There will be people out there who say awful things about what they believe I can and cannot do. There is some awful loose talk about me. Before I used to shut them up by going at it with them online, trashing them back, or spreading a rumor that was just as horrific. Now I go up and kill them all where it counts, behind the mic. If I kill an audience it kills all the shit that they want to talk about me. They can speak however they please about me, but my work will speak for itself.

On the other hand these days I am not so deserpate. Two years ago I almost broke out. I was on Rachael Ray, The Soup, Good Day NY, WE, and even opened for Uncle Floyd and Aretha Franklin. I shot a high budget pilot for one project and was up for another on NBC that got cancelled. When I didnt get the expose that I wanted I was pissed. But I wasnt ready. Although I had the sobering experience of being so broke I cried and being what I percieved as cheated, it made me fight for it all the more and I started to put the work in to become a decent comedienne.

These days I say no to things when they are not right for me. I just said no to a national TV appearance because it would put me in the freakshow category and limit me not only in my career pursuits but in the monetary value of the jobs I could get. Translated, it would label me closing many doors and windows. It would also jeopordize my work with children which I take tremendous pride in. Not to mention something in my stomach told me know. I know in my heart I did the right thing and something better will come my way.

In coming back I am learning audiences are smarter than you think, don't treat them as dumb children. Not to mention sex jokes get old after the punchline is seemingly the same. When you don't push the audience for a laugh you get what you want. When something goes on, move on. Be daring, blunt, edgy, but relatable. And above all things, you will always want to kick yourself a little even after the best sets for forgetting that one joke. In coming back people are throwing me better spots because they know how hard I have worked and how far I have come.

I also forgot what a gift it is to do standup in the greatest city in the world. In addition I forgot how standup and the ability to fight through by laughing got me through a bad breakup, kicking three very addictive habits, another bad breakup, being broke, the overdose/murder deaths of friends and acquaintances, and other rank shit the universe has thrown in my way. I joked after one OD funeral when I did one of the best sets of my life later that night, "I should have friends die everytime I have a big show." While I am just kidding when I say that, things were so rough that sometimes my standup was all I had.

While I needed to put it on the back burner to get my sanity back, I needed to come back. Not only does it keep me out of trouble, but I have friends I love and adore. I am proud to be a part of the New York City standup community, not apart from. While I may never feel I will get what I deserve, I can't let that fear and anger drive me away but rather drive me forward in my quest to dethrone Chelsea Handler on late night television. Rest assured I will do it. I always keep my word. At least I try, or maybe not.

Either way I am back and enjoying the journey. I am taking the lessons I learned during my time where this wasn't first priority and applying them to my art. I will keep you posted. Have a show tonight in Brooklyn. Man does it feel good to be home. Love April

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Miss April B: Top 10 Questions of the Week

Miss April B: Top 10 Questions of the Week: "10. With all the specials about hauntings on cable, one has to wonder, do ghosts watch TV? 9. Why do aliens never abduct blacks or Latinos ..."

Comment whether you love me or hate me. This is the land of the first amendment. We are all entitled to our opinions

Top 10 Questions of the Week

10. With all the specials about hauntings on cable, one has to wonder, do ghosts watch TV?

9. Why do aliens never abduct blacks or Latinos but rather only whites from trailer parks?

8. How many whales had to die to make Sarah Palin's makeup?

7. Why can't we move the Ground Zero Mosque and put a McDonalds there instead? That way we will make everyone happy and pissed at the same time.

6. If cheaters never prosper, how did George W. Bush become president in the year 2000?

5. Why are many of the people defending the Ground Zero Mosque liberal Jews?

4. Will God send Glenn Beck to hell because he annoys everyone, including Jesus?

3. Why are the Christians so uptight about purity when Jesus not only ran around with a hooker but some scholars even say he had a baby with the ho? Sounds like our Good Lord liked to get freaky to me.

2. All these Jesus Freak girls go on and on about how wonderful Jesus is. Are they aware Jesus was a Jew?

1. How does Snooki have a career and why can't she be hit by a mac truck?

Disturbing But True

A cult known as Campus Life wants to convert......I mean brainwash our children into being intolerant little drones who merely quote the bible and serve Christ. As a kid these people used to wander my high school cafeteria and recruit fresh meat. Their leader, who should have been in an online registry, would pick on the weak and the innocent. They have their own website where they advise the Youth of America. This is one of the letters that they wrote for advice and this is a reponse. These people all need help:

Q. I just started dating an amazing guy. We are both Christians and we go to the same church. Before we dated, we talked about what was right and wrong in a relationship, and we decided there would be no sex. We haven't even kissed—just held hands. However, we talk dirty to each other on instant messaging (never in person). We don't feel it's wrong as long as we use self-control when we're together. What do you think?

A. It's wonderful that you and your boyfriend have had an honest talk about sex and are trying to be serious about your commitment to no sex. It's impressive that you've held off on kissing so far in an effort to keep that promise to each other.

But that's why I'm confused about the IM sex talk. I mean, it would be better for you to kiss each other and decide that's as far as you're going, than to not kiss, pat yourselves on the back for making good choices, then text about all the sexual things you wish you could do.

You are fooling yourselves if you think that holding off on everything and just "talking" about sex means you're keeping your relationship sexually pure. It's very similar to the couple who thinks doing everything but sex will keep them pure. But that's a very loose, unbiblical, and unhealthy definition of purity.

The reality is that you've just discovered a different way of exploring the sexual side of dating. It might not feel sexual since you aren't even in the same room when you're IMing, but sex isn't just a physical activity.

Talking about the sexual activity you'd like to be involved in still makes sex a big part of your relationship. All that talk will make it more and more difficult to stick to the promise you've made to not have sex. When you tell each other what you'd like to be doing, it's only a matter of time before you start thinking about actually doing it. And then it's a pretty short hop from thinking about it to doing it.

Your brain is a powerful sex organ. The ideas and images you're putting in there are causing you to be filled with all kinds of lustful thoughts. And Jesus said that lust in the heart is just as wrong as a lustful act. His solution to the problem: remove the temptation (see Matthew 5:27-30). So if you want your relationship to center on Jesus and all the wonderful ways the two of you can help each other grow, then you need to stop the dirty messaging.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dream Man of the Week: Robinson Cano

Being a Yankee fan and lover of Spanish men, my dream man of the week is Robinson Cano. A less cocky version of A. Rod, he is a good player on the field and rather humble in interviews. While like most Spanish men he will probably charm my pants off in a second, I do not care. The whole thing will make for a good story. In addition I hear through the grapevine like all of his Latino hermanos, he likes trashy blonde women which gives me an in. As someone who has a checkered past, that probably is a bonus in a situation such as this. I don't know if he is a Joe DeMaggio-esque bully off the field who will abuse his girlfriend or spouse. I don't care about that at all. I am willing to put up with a black eye or two. Not only does this slugger have to keep me in line somehow, but unlike most of my boyfriends........he has a job.

And if I ever decide he's annoying me, I can always call INS and have him deported.

(Up top)Mi amour hard at work on the field. We are getting married next June. I even have the registry. He doesn't know it yet.  (Bottom) Robbie looks better than I ever could in a cheerleading costume. Oh the things he does to earn his pay so me and my puppet can pursue our frivilous careers:)

Joran Van Der Sloot, Burn In Hell

Joran Van Der Sloot admitting to extorting money from Natalee Holloway's family because they caused him pain over the years. This is a perfect example of how there are ABOLSUTELY NO RIGHTS FOR VICTIMS WHATSOEVER!!!! Good old Joran not only killed Natalee but damn well knows where her body is. The problem is that in the West Indies where the crime took place, their system of justice is ass backwards. Plus Joran's dad was a judge on the Island so of course he was going to get off scott free. Joran admitted in a television interview not only to meeting Natalee and having sex with her but expressed the intent of selling her as a slave to someone else he met in the casino. The more he spoke I just wanted to say, "Shut up asshole, you are not helping your cause whatsoever."

Then in between this murder and that of Stefany Flores Joran was trafficking women in Thailand. This guy is a predator, a creep, and gets a sexual off on ultimately abusing women. He has no good qualities whatsoever and is pire evil. As for Natalee Holloway's family causing him pain......what the fuck! He killed their daughter! Asshole, you want to talk about pain, young Natalee is never coming back. My bet is Interpol will find that he has killed other women too. Hey, wherever there is smoke there is fire, right?

I am somewhat happy Joran is in prison in a third world country. They say rats come out of the toilet at night and that scares him. He deserves more hell than that. At this point I want Paco to make Joran his bitch. Or better yet, will someone please shank this asshole?

Killer and extortionist......needs to be shanked immediately. I believe in kharma and this guy will give Bubba crap about putting out. The world will definately be a better place without him.

My Reggie Bush Experience

It makes me sad to read that Reggie Bush will be losing his Heisman. During the 2005 Heisman Awards I got to meet Reggie Bush and his family. All and all I would have to say that they were nice folks. At first I thought Reggie came off as a too cool for school kind of jock. But then I heard his Heisman acceptance speech which still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it. Basically, he began by thanking his coaches and then moved to his family. It was especially sentimental when he spoke about his step dad who adopted him. I believe his words were, "To my step dad, I mean dad......You stepped in to be my father when I didn't have one." And from there good old Reggie began to cry. It wasn't a trickle or a sob, he went on for a good minute. You would need to have a heart of stone not to feel for the guy. My perception of Reggie changed from that moment forward. This wasn't some big headed idiot who happened to be good at football. Reggie was a poor kid who had been through some shit and now here he was. Not to mention good old Matt Leinart voted for him during the balloting of the Heisman's when his former teammate could have voted for himself in order to dethrone Archie Griffin and to win again. This act alone spoke volumes about the friendshop and bond these two teammates shared.

Sure, Reggie dates that Kardashian skankola. I don't know anything about that. He seems like a happy guy. I just remember a kid who was good at playing football that wasn't given very many breaks in life that acted with utmost humility when it was his turn to shine. I remember the Reggie Bush who gave Matt Leinart a huge man hug when he realized his former teammate and friend voted for him. I remember the Reggie Bush who's family had the box of tissues.

Maybe his family got some rewards. Well Reggie was good at playing football. So he may have broken the rules a little. Reggie isn't like former Heisman Winner OJ Simpson who beat, stalked, harassed, and ultimately killed his late wife. Yet not only does OJ get to keep his Heisman but his picture still hangs amongst the winners of the award whereas Reggie's will be taken down and it will be as if he never existed. People will say Reggie Bush was just another black kid who worked the system too. Truth be told those who say that shit have never been broke a day in their life and have never been down. Maybe he broke the rules but who doesn't cheat?

I am glad good old Reggie is having a fruitful pro career. Wish I could say the same for Leinart who I met and liked as well. I have all their signatures on my little football at home. Reggie, someday yours will be worth millions. And though people might disrespect you now, one thing is for sure, some of us out there know the truth about who you really are. I happen to be one of them.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Why Do Guys Lie and Cheat

My roommate and I were talking about why guys lie. Though being a gay man, he is still a dude which is why it was interesting to have this conversation with him. He said guys lie because they are insecure and are afraid of rejection. I disagree. I think guys lie because it’s biology. They want to get their dick sucked and stick it in a wet smelly hole of some sort and have to use any line to make that possible. So if it is a lie that does it then so be it. So essentially they are fucking evil by nature.

They cheat too. They leave out info that they are married and then it comes as a surprise when the bombshell is dropped. I think the problem with people, and this is why maybe men are forced to lie, is people are the only creatures who practice monogamy. That whole concept is a waste of time. Men are always cheating and it’s not because they don’t love the woman at home, they just want every woman they see. Why do humans have to be the only creatures with feelings? Screws everything up.

Then again I should talk. I am the only human woman in the world who despises relationships and wants to play the field. One guy told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and I asked, “Does that mean I can’t see other people?” It sort of bummed me out actually. I want to see lots of people. It’s not that I don’t like him. I like all of them. Now if only all of them had a job. That would be the trick. Plus when he acted all pissed that I wanted to see other people I told him he was going to cheat anyway which ticked him off. Turns out he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and proceeded to get a girlfriend elsewhere. Well he cheated on this girl eventually. So who was right?

Why do guys lie and cheat? Is it nature, insecurity, or the fact that are all a race of rat bastard dead beats who just want a hole to stick it in? Weigh in here. Xo April

Dumb Friend of the Week

A girl who I used to be friends with in high school is hanging up her hard pAArtying ways. No, she didn’t go to rehab and she didn’t even find God. She’s knocked up. That’s not even the best part. This slut de jour doesn’t even know who the father of the child is! It’s not like it is in between two guys but rather eight unusual suspects. Two of the guys are currently in jail, one is married, and one is sixteen. I know you are having a baby woman but don’t rob the cradle so soon. So this story teaches us that if you choose to be slutty, it always pays to have a condom. Love April

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Loser of the Week

I dated a guy two years ago who was a lawyer. Turns out he was a liar. This guy claimed that before law school he had played with the Violent Femmes, had almost made the Olympics for lightweight boxing, had an ex-girlfriend who had an Academy Award for Costume Design in 1995, had another girlfriend who’s ex-husband was Romeo Rojas, Mexican soccer star, and not to mention Jimmy Hoffa was his dad’s Godfather.

Well this lawyer turned out to be a liar. The relationship as a whole was a shit show that ended in a screaming match. There was a third party who I thought was his female best friend that was in love with him. This woman, who had slutted her way around their home town of Ann Arbor was forced to leave and live with him. Well she wanted him and bad. Upon moving in she did things such as claim a Jamaican raped her in order to see him beat someone up (he got his ass kicked) and then went so far as to poison her dog in order to steal him away from me. Before her moving in we were a train careening off the tracks. This bitch to give you an idea just cut the breaks.

Sad over the breakup because this was my first boyfriend with a job, I cried for two days. But then a lawyer friend of mine informed me he was in serious trouble for being the goof he was because he was facing disbarment for punching a client at work. My ex had told me the incident was after work and the two men shook hands afterward. However, according to my source this happened on the job. Not to mention that he wrote this song for me, and I turned on the radio and Snow Patrol was singing it! I went on the computer to see what else he was lying about.

Well he had never played with the Violent Femmes let alone had a musical career. Turns out the album he played with his so called “guitar solo” was an ever popular bootleg they sold on the street. This moron also claimed he played with the Detroit Cobras and they list their alumni on their page. The genius was not amongst them. This musical genius seemingly never had a career, at least not one that existed in this universe. However, in his mind he insisted he played the Hollywood Bowel and met George Carlin. As for the Olympic lightweight boxing lie, he claimed he made it to trials. I youtubed the 1992 Olympics on youtube, boxing trials and all, this boy was no where to be found. Not to mention the girlfriend who had won an Academy Award for costume design was far too famous for google. Then Romeo Rojas the soccer star was also too famous for google. However the only one who comes up lives in the Bronx and owns a painting company, far from being a soccer star. As for Jimmy Hoffa being his dad’s Godfather, highly unlikely. This guy’s family was Irish and Hoffa was Italian. The Irish and Italians have hated each other for centuries. In the town I grew up in the Irish ran out of room in their cemetery. Rather than go to the Italian cemetery, they started to cremate which was against the church at the time rather than “mix with those whops” as an older woman from back home put it. So as you could imagine I was snowballed. Not to mention I got to meet a boatload of his former clients who hate his guts and call him “the stupidest mutherfucker” alive.

However the loser was not done lying. When we broke up he told everyone that he broke up with me. While that was technically true because he called me to break up, I had already taken his number out of my phone and had scheduled another date that evening. Sure the end hurt, but you have to move on even before the burial. So this idiot also told people that we broke up because I was drinking again which was complete bullshit. Nonetheless, those who knew me ignored him because it wasn’t true. Those that didn’t know any better believed I had wronged him.

The alcoholic ex didn’t get him off the hook at work. In between losing files and pissing people off, they pretty much wanted to can him at various points in his career as a legal aid lawyer. Plus bigger firms weren’t hiring him because he was such a goof. So he told everyone he was the big C. That’s right, cancer.

Instantly, everyone felt sorry for him. People from our past sought me out to tell me of my ex’s cancer and how terrible it was. Meanwhile my ex had such a history of being a liar as well as being a hypochondriac. So as all these people told me how he was going to be lucky if he lived I said, “Yes, he will be lucky if he lives. Because when you all find out the cancer is fake you are going to kill him.” Granted, I didn’t know the cancer was fake but his winning record for honesty was far worse than the Pittsburgh Pirates. Needless to say I was called cold hearted, rude, and insensitive.

However my ex was profiting from his cancer. Instead of getting fired from his job he got a promotion because they were afraid he was going to die. Not to mention he had a rich friend with a yacht who let him ride any time he pleased. This dude also got a new girlfriend who was not only decent looking, but insisted my ex was “the strongest woman she knew.” This asshole left me speechless. I had never seen someone milk cancer so well in my life. Granted, one of my old boyfriends had been a former cat burglar and was as slippery as they came, but this dude brought it to a whole new level. He was making out better than a Make A Wish kid!

The climax of Cancer Gate came when I got into a fight with his best friend because I still refused to believe he had cancer. Given his history of dishonesty and how he stood to profit I just couldn’t believe it. Not to mention he had made a “miraculous recovery.” So after five minutes of fighting I said, “Listen, you are telling me Bob has cancer. Rather than feeling sorry like I should be I am wanting proof. What does that say about his character?” I figured from that day forward the less I knew the better.

Well his best friend fired back and said, “When he dies you will feel sorry.” No, it’s more like I will go up to the coffin and pinch him on the cheek to make sure he is dead. If he fails to move I will say, “Ladies and gentlemen, he is telling the truth. Wolf.”

So pretty much he not only wins Loser of the Week, but will pretty much be hard to dethrone.

Love April

Harmonica Sunbeam on May's World

Ballroom legend Harmonica Sunbeam and May Wilson yuck it up at the Cage in Hoboken. Two blondes yucking it up....

Follow this link to see all

Sticks and Stones

About a year ago I made an amends to someone. I said something mean to him when I was in a drunken state. He always held it against me. In true form the guy told me he was glad I was staying away from the sauce and that I seemed to be in a better place with my life. We hugged and it seemed like we were cool again. While we weren’t friends, we never were before or after I was drinking, we weren’t enemies which was the most important thing, right?

Wrong. He turned around and said some very nasty things about me. This person basically said I was mentally disturbed, delusional, untalented, and “obviously had been touched by a male relative at some point.” Not to mention he went out of his way to take other cheap shots about my so called lack of talent and the sexual past that he perceives that I have. This guy also said that I used sexual favors to get where I got and that he is “much more accomplished” than I am. Not to mention he said he didn’t care about me or anything I did yet went around town ranting and raving everytime he could about how much he hates me and how little talent I have. It’s not like it was one or two people. It was a dozen or so who have heard this rant over the past few months. And this post amends mind you.

I guess the worst part was that he claimed I made other people’s problems about myself. Meanwhile he said all these things in response to a beef I had with one of his friends. Since then, me and this dude’s friend have made up and our disagreement is water under the bridge. This dude, being eager to fit in and not the brightest lightbulb in the closet, made this whole disagreement between me and someone else about him and his resentment towards me for absolutely existing.

What triggered this? Well aside from the fact that this guy is a drama seeker, I think it was jealousy. The old April who made bad decisions and was a mess was much more comfortable for him. Suddenly one day I woke up and I changed. No longer was I a perpetual mess but I was doing things with my life. I was on TV a few times. I published a few times. I was on Shovio for a bit. I opened for Aretha Franklin. I have a webseries where Michael Musto, Kate Clinton, Melba Moore, Jo Lance, Harmonica Sunbeam and many others appeared. For better or for worse, I am in the revival of the Gong Show. Not to mention I am pitching one TV series to networks about every other week. Then there is the pilot I shot. Of course there is my book I am writing. Basically things are going okay. I am not bragging though it seems like I am. Rather, I am enjoying the journey.

This person is one who thinks he should be further with his life and career than he is. The sad part about this whole thing is that I am not all the things he said I was. It is the other way around. This individual is a sad, pathetic excuse who wants people to be weaker than him. Not to mention that someone who would take the time to rant and rave about me in this fashion has severe mental problems and needs to seek counseling pronto. Then there is the fact that not only did he make a disagreement between me and another person about himself, but that he took low blows in doing it. This dude is one who needs a serious Al-Anon meeting. Not only does he not have the strength to be his own person, he gets a rise out of being extremely codependent and is a perpetual people pleaser. Then there is the fact that while I used to drink too much, he still does. All and all he is a sad soul and a trainwreck.

Earlier today I felt extremely angered that he threw a part of my life that I am not too happy about in my face. It was like for as much as I changed over the years and worked to get myself to a place where people know I am for real and talk more about my body of art that I create rather than the mess I make in my life, someone will always show up to remind me I am still all those bad things and more. For as much as I have achieved over the years whether it be turning my life around or career victories this person shows up to say, “Hey trainwreck, yeah you.” In my heart for as sick as this person was I wondered if any of the things he said about me were even true and went through every failure I ever had in my life, personal and professional.

It was a hit of cold water in my face. This was something that brought me back to the days when I let guys treat me like a third rate lean cut piece of meat on the rack. Of course it was also common for me to have boyfriends who had served time in prison, had drug problems, or were mentally unstable. Then there was the time I got engaged to a guy on the third date that stalked me and publically humiliated me for two years. Not to mention some of the other winners which included one guy who not only went to prison but managed to escape and live in an abandoned building at one point. As if professing his love wasn’t enough he came to my door asking me for drug money. I dated the worst guys decked out like Tammy Faye Bakker on crystal meth and only skinnier. I worked hard to change that picture of me in people’s eyes and this guy said that he had forgiven me. While he showed me who he was he didn’t let me forget who I was either.

Depressed I went to facebook for support. They say God speaks through people sometimes. One of my facebook friends, Yamaneika Saunders said, “Do NOT let someone get the best of you.” I stopped to think about it. This dude isn’t good enough to even get the worst of me. No matter what people say, I know in my heart that I have changed. I know in my heart I am not a mess anymore. This dude doesn’t have the right to make me upset and to make me cry. He’s a bully with no self esteem and is a ball of negative energy. Therefore he has no metaphorical money to rent space in my head and no right to ruin my life. With that in my mind I wiped my eyes, applied my mascara, and decided he wasn’t going to ruin that either.

They say people who matter don’t judge, and people who judge don’t matter. I know in my heart he doesn’t matter. Those who truly do matter have not only seen that I have mended my ways but have given me another chance. For the most part I have not let them down and in return they have been wonderful friends who have served as guides when I needed them. In addition, they have been vocal about telling other people that I have changed as well. Slowly and surely I did earn their trust which has taken work. It wasn’t easy but I still did it.

While this whole thing did hurt this morning, it doesn’t hurt this afternoon or this evening. Rather in a way it is a lesson that the better I get with my life and the more clarity I achieve with my head, it is a threat to some people. These people were ones who liked to see the old April sick and suffering so they could take advantage of her instability and make it a joke amongst their friends. At the time I thought some of these people were friends just like the kid with Down’s Syndrome who gets candy from the older kids for not ratting them out for smoking in the bathroom. However, the tables have turned. The old April is gone, dead, and buried. There is a new girl in town. She is not going to let words, especially from those that don’t matter, hurt her. Get used to it bitches. Love April

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Idiot Guy of the Week

I met a guy who I have been going back and fourth with for sometime this past week. He was literally the hottest thing I think I have ever seen. This dude was one who I wanted to get with for sometime because he was so hot. So this week I had my chance.

It looks like things are going to go good with this dude when he tells me he wants to see me and gives me his number. He is really hot in that brooding Eastern European sense. So I am thinking, "Score Brucker!"

Well I go on his facebook page to send him a flirty message and guess what, he has a girlfriend! My days of self disrespect are over. I don't do that crap anymore. So as you could imagine I was sort of crushed.

Guess who messages me? He tells me that he "wants to tap my pussy." What a gentlemen I know. So I tell him he won't be tapping my pussy because he has a girlfriend. So you think this would make him walk away but oh no. Instead he decides to tell me he still wants to see me and that he forgot about the relationship because it was a new one.

How the hell do you forget you have a girlfriend sleazeball? Sigh. Needless to say he won't be tapping this anytime soon. xoxox April

The Phantom

I got a new roommate. After interviewing throngs of freaks I had it narrowed down to a final three. There was the Chinese MBA student who thought the idea of having carpet in my apartment was abhorrent. Then there was the little gay recent NYU grad who desperately wanted to be a fashion designer and interned as he supported himself by waiting tables. However the dark horse was the gay actor. Thirty, he seemed like the last person who would want to sleep in a one bedroom share. However he is a part of the cast of Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and wanted to be closer to work. After some soul searching I decided to scrap the China girl. While she would have been a nice energy in my life, we would have been too much of a culture clash under one roof. So the two homos it was. The actor emailed me back ASAP. I awaited the other homo. I liked them both so much I couldn’t pick. So I said to God, “You do it.” I figured He always knows better than I do when it comes to my own life. Well the other homo emailed me back and said he found a place closer to work but would like to be facebook friends. That was fine. The actor it was.

Well move in day came and he came twenty minutes early with no stuff. While one of the annoying Euros I interviewed about the apartment did the same thing, he came with first and last months rent in hand via bank check. Asking for a confirmation as well as agreeing to take a turn cleaning the apartment for a day I figured he wasn’t so bad. Then he wished me a good day and off he had to go to stretch for work because apparently his role is dance intensive. However, before and after he came my mother called to make sure he wasn’t a killer. His parents called him to make sure I knew he was a boy. I was glad to see everyone was overprotective and psychotic on both sides of the family. Makes for a good time.

Later that night, after doing two sets I straggled home ready for bed. Because he had two shows that day I expected to find him snoozing. Instead I found two suitcases and two new fans but no roommate. Where was this guy? The wind in the apartment as a result of the fans was blowing faster and faster. I went into the bathroom. The two towels I had stacked in a hurry were neatly folded and the sink was clean. I was living with the Phantom of the Opera! He was not there, but his stuff was, the wind was blowing, and he left his mark by cleaning! Part of me was a little irked that he had folded my towels and cleaned. However, in a way it was a nice gesture. It was been a long time since I have read the masterpiece by Gaston Laroux but I remember the Phantom character would do nice little gestures like that.

The next morning I awoke to find him in bed clad in nothing but a pair of orange panties. I figured he cleans and he’s cute, oh God you can be so cruel. When I got back from my jog he told me about his night and his adventures. The Phantom, who so far as not disclosed a ton of personal info about himself, told me he has worked as a professional dancer since the age of twelve dancing with The San Francisco Ballet, The Portland Ballet Theatre, The NYC Ballet, and The Houston Ballet. He also said he was the adopted youngest of eight. While there is still more yet to be revealed, he is the polar opposite of my last roommate who was seemingly an open book.

While on delivery I found myself getting a text from the Phantom. He had lost his keys and wondered if I had seen them. Immediately after the delivery I ran home only to receive the text that he had found them. Seeing him on his way out I remembered men, gay or straight, can’t do anything on their own. However, at that moment I realized it had been forever and a day since I lived with a guy. I haven’t lived with a guy since my dad and brother. Girls have a way of communicating and we have deal breakers that men don’t. There was no way me and this dude would ever fight over a guy. He is regularly employed and on Broadway therefore he would never be intimidated by my accomplishments, or lack thereof. If I got what I wanted he would be happy for me.

My last roommate was initially happy for me but it had all changed when she got her heart broken. Then they weren’t treating her well at her job. Watching her fall apart was damn near painful. However the Phantom has been on his own since he has been twelve. A survivor, he is nobody’s fool and at the ripe old age of thirty he is a ten year veteran of a Broadway show. All and all, he is good energy so far. For so long in my life it has been a challenge for me to stick with the winners, mostly because I am the Queen of Shit Decision Making. However, more and more lately, I find myself having less losers in my life. I am out of the phase where I make bad decisions and date the worst guys. I am tired of telling myself I am not good enough. Perhaps this guy is a part of that next phase.

Last night after a long night I trotted home and got ready for bed. However, there was no Phantom but the floor was washed and swept. He had rearranged his shelves and opened the doors to my room so the air could circulate better. By my computer I saw the cleaning fluid for the floor placed there strategically in a bottle. I am rather fluent in gay man and that translated was, “I am tidy. This is the way it is going to be. Get with the program and get used to it.” Note, not all gay men are tidy. But this one does live up to the stereotype.

However, I noticed there was a pile of dirt in the corner swept by a broom. The poor guy didn’t know where I hid my dust pan nor my vacuum. (I hide them in my singing telegram costume closet). To return the Phantom’s gesture of kindness, I finished the job by vacuuming. We also share a set of shelves and I cleaned my crap off of one to give him a little extra space. Marveling at my now spotless domicile, the place looked much bigger than it had in sometime. My last roommate and I were complete dust bunnies who cleaned only when we had to and rarely. That made cleaning the place before I had to show it a total pain in my ass. The universe was sending me a signal though. This was a new man and a new era under April’s roof, that messy shit would no longer be a part of the drill. It is time to sweep and scrub a dub dub. One thing for sure, the Phantom was earning his keep. It is much too early in our relationship as roommates to sing his praises. He could still screw it up.

Yet somehow, by giving me a clean new apartment and bringing a whole new energy into my home, the Phantom has already stolen a piece of my heart. Love April