Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Top 10 Questions of the Week

10. With all the specials about hauntings on cable, one has to wonder, do ghosts watch TV?

9. Why do aliens never abduct blacks or Latinos but rather only whites from trailer parks?

8. How many whales had to die to make Sarah Palin's makeup?

7. Why can't we move the Ground Zero Mosque and put a McDonalds there instead? That way we will make everyone happy and pissed at the same time.

6. If cheaters never prosper, how did George W. Bush become president in the year 2000?

5. Why are many of the people defending the Ground Zero Mosque liberal Jews?

4. Will God send Glenn Beck to hell because he annoys everyone, including Jesus?

3. Why are the Christians so uptight about purity when Jesus not only ran around with a hooker but some scholars even say he had a baby with the ho? Sounds like our Good Lord liked to get freaky to me.

2. All these Jesus Freak girls go on and on about how wonderful Jesus is. Are they aware Jesus was a Jew?

1. How does Snooki have a career and why can't she be hit by a mac truck?


  1. 10. Yes, and they are probably all laughing their asses off at how way off we are.

    9. Because rednecks are just so much funnier! Just ask Jerry Springer.

    8. Enough to give Captain Ahab wet dreams. Hell, if Captain Ahab wasn't probably gay, he'd probably jump Sarah Palin's bones in a second.

    7. There's already enough McDonalds' in this fair city. How about something everyone in the city can benefit from? How about The Emperor's Club have their new headquarters down there?

    6. Because he had Jesus on his side. Duh! If history has proven anything, it's that any rule can be broken at any given time so long as you broke it because Jesus was on your side.

    5. As a self-proclaimed liberal Jew, I can answer this one. In all due seriousness, a very big part of it is about pissing off the Islamophobic Zombies I was raised with. Yes, as one who has befriended plenty of Muslims, some of whom were actually Wahabbis (the kind we've heard the horror stories about), I do get some visceral pleasure ruffling my sheltered Jewish friends' feathers, especially the kind who can honestly say they've never even tried having a normal conversation with a Muslim. Now the ones who are from Middle-Eastern backgrounds, the ones who have a good reason to hate Muslims (the same reason my holocaust survivor Grandmother hates Germans), they are another story; them I'll be a bit nicer towards, but still expect even them to understand that NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE [fill in the blank]

    4. No, please don't send Glenn Beck to hell. When I'm burning down there for all my sins, I do not wish to be in his company. Send him to heaven; let him annoy the shit out of those who "behaved themselves!" See, this is what you get for annoying my ilk for "misbehaving". You now have to spend eternity with Glenn Beck!

    3. Goes to show: if Jesus were to come back, he'd probably whup the asses of most Christians out there for completely misconstruing his teachings!

    2. No shit. I've met both Jew and Christian who seriously didn't know that. Phillip Roth actually had a good line about that in "Portnoy's Complaint". It goes along the lines that the most retarded thing about Christianity is that it actually believes that a Jew could possibly be a [son of] God. I mean WTF WERE THEY THINKING? Who in their right mind could possibly think that a Jew could possibly be Godly? (picture this line being delivered by Fran Drescher now...)

    1. She's an alien. She's secretly got us all in some mind control, and if she were to be hit by a Mac, she'd only grow more powerful! There's only one cure for Snooki: SEND HER BACK TO HER FUCKING PLANET, PLEASE?!?

  2. Good answer, especially about Glenn Beck. While I am in hell I want to be roasting with the fun people. Send Glenn Beck to heaven with those annoying angels. See you in hell with my platform ruby slippers

  3. Hey April, have you heard Lewis Black's thing about Glenn Beck having "Nazi Tourrettes"?

  4. No, but that is freaking funny. LMFAO!