About a year ago I made an amends to someone. I said something mean to him when I was in a drunken state. He always held it against me. In true form the guy told me he was glad I was staying away from the sauce and that I seemed to be in a better place with my life. We hugged and it seemed like we were cool again. While we weren’t friends, we never were before or after I was drinking, we weren’t enemies which was the most important thing, right?
Wrong. He turned around and said some very nasty things about me. This person basically said I was mentally disturbed, delusional, untalented, and “obviously had been touched by a male relative at some point.” Not to mention he went out of his way to take other cheap shots about my so called lack of talent and the sexual past that he perceives that I have. This guy also said that I used sexual favors to get where I got and that he is “much more accomplished” than I am. Not to mention he said he didn’t care about me or anything I did yet went around town ranting and raving everytime he could about how much he hates me and how little talent I have. It’s not like it was one or two people. It was a dozen or so who have heard this rant over the past few months. And this post amends mind you.
I guess the worst part was that he claimed I made other people’s problems about myself. Meanwhile he said all these things in response to a beef I had with one of his friends. Since then, me and this dude’s friend have made up and our disagreement is water under the bridge. This dude, being eager to fit in and not the brightest lightbulb in the closet, made this whole disagreement between me and someone else about him and his resentment towards me for absolutely existing.
What triggered this? Well aside from the fact that this guy is a drama seeker, I think it was jealousy. The old April who made bad decisions and was a mess was much more comfortable for him. Suddenly one day I woke up and I changed. No longer was I a perpetual mess but I was doing things with my life. I was on TV a few times. I published a few times. I was on Shovio for a bit. I opened for Aretha Franklin. I have a webseries where Michael Musto, Kate Clinton, Melba Moore, Jo Lance, Harmonica Sunbeam and many others appeared. For better or for worse, I am in the revival of the Gong Show. Not to mention I am pitching one TV series to networks about every other week. Then there is the pilot I shot. Of course there is my book I am writing. Basically things are going okay. I am not bragging though it seems like I am. Rather, I am enjoying the journey.
This person is one who thinks he should be further with his life and career than he is. The sad part about this whole thing is that I am not all the things he said I was. It is the other way around. This individual is a sad, pathetic excuse who wants people to be weaker than him. Not to mention that someone who would take the time to rant and rave about me in this fashion has severe mental problems and needs to seek counseling pronto. Then there is the fact that not only did he make a disagreement between me and another person about himself, but that he took low blows in doing it. This dude is one who needs a serious Al-Anon meeting. Not only does he not have the strength to be his own person, he gets a rise out of being extremely codependent and is a perpetual people pleaser. Then there is the fact that while I used to drink too much, he still does. All and all he is a sad soul and a trainwreck.
Earlier today I felt extremely angered that he threw a part of my life that I am not too happy about in my face. It was like for as much as I changed over the years and worked to get myself to a place where people know I am for real and talk more about my body of art that I create rather than the mess I make in my life, someone will always show up to remind me I am still all those bad things and more. For as much as I have achieved over the years whether it be turning my life around or career victories this person shows up to say, “Hey trainwreck, yeah you.” In my heart for as sick as this person was I wondered if any of the things he said about me were even true and went through every failure I ever had in my life, personal and professional.
It was a hit of cold water in my face. This was something that brought me back to the days when I let guys treat me like a third rate lean cut piece of meat on the rack. Of course it was also common for me to have boyfriends who had served time in prison, had drug problems, or were mentally unstable. Then there was the time I got engaged to a guy on the third date that stalked me and publically humiliated me for two years. Not to mention some of the other winners which included one guy who not only went to prison but managed to escape and live in an abandoned building at one point. As if professing his love wasn’t enough he came to my door asking me for drug money. I dated the worst guys decked out like Tammy Faye Bakker on crystal meth and only skinnier. I worked hard to change that picture of me in people’s eyes and this guy said that he had forgiven me. While he showed me who he was he didn’t let me forget who I was either.
Depressed I went to facebook for support. They say God speaks through people sometimes. One of my facebook friends, Yamaneika Saunders said, “Do NOT let someone get the best of you.” I stopped to think about it. This dude isn’t good enough to even get the worst of me. No matter what people say, I know in my heart that I have changed. I know in my heart I am not a mess anymore. This dude doesn’t have the right to make me upset and to make me cry. He’s a bully with no self esteem and is a ball of negative energy. Therefore he has no metaphorical money to rent space in my head and no right to ruin my life. With that in my mind I wiped my eyes, applied my mascara, and decided he wasn’t going to ruin that either.
They say people who matter don’t judge, and people who judge don’t matter. I know in my heart he doesn’t matter. Those who truly do matter have not only seen that I have mended my ways but have given me another chance. For the most part I have not let them down and in return they have been wonderful friends who have served as guides when I needed them. In addition, they have been vocal about telling other people that I have changed as well. Slowly and surely I did earn their trust which has taken work. It wasn’t easy but I still did it.
While this whole thing did hurt this morning, it doesn’t hurt this afternoon or this evening. Rather in a way it is a lesson that the better I get with my life and the more clarity I achieve with my head, it is a threat to some people. These people were ones who liked to see the old April sick and suffering so they could take advantage of her instability and make it a joke amongst their friends. At the time I thought some of these people were friends just like the kid with Down’s Syndrome who gets candy from the older kids for not ratting them out for smoking in the bathroom. However, the tables have turned. The old April is gone, dead, and buried. There is a new girl in town. She is not going to let words, especially from those that don’t matter, hurt her. Get used to it bitches. Love April