Sunday, September 5, 2010

Loser of the Week

I dated a guy two years ago who was a lawyer. Turns out he was a liar. This guy claimed that before law school he had played with the Violent Femmes, had almost made the Olympics for lightweight boxing, had an ex-girlfriend who had an Academy Award for Costume Design in 1995, had another girlfriend who’s ex-husband was Romeo Rojas, Mexican soccer star, and not to mention Jimmy Hoffa was his dad’s Godfather.

Well this lawyer turned out to be a liar. The relationship as a whole was a shit show that ended in a screaming match. There was a third party who I thought was his female best friend that was in love with him. This woman, who had slutted her way around their home town of Ann Arbor was forced to leave and live with him. Well she wanted him and bad. Upon moving in she did things such as claim a Jamaican raped her in order to see him beat someone up (he got his ass kicked) and then went so far as to poison her dog in order to steal him away from me. Before her moving in we were a train careening off the tracks. This bitch to give you an idea just cut the breaks.

Sad over the breakup because this was my first boyfriend with a job, I cried for two days. But then a lawyer friend of mine informed me he was in serious trouble for being the goof he was because he was facing disbarment for punching a client at work. My ex had told me the incident was after work and the two men shook hands afterward. However, according to my source this happened on the job. Not to mention that he wrote this song for me, and I turned on the radio and Snow Patrol was singing it! I went on the computer to see what else he was lying about.

Well he had never played with the Violent Femmes let alone had a musical career. Turns out the album he played with his so called “guitar solo” was an ever popular bootleg they sold on the street. This moron also claimed he played with the Detroit Cobras and they list their alumni on their page. The genius was not amongst them. This musical genius seemingly never had a career, at least not one that existed in this universe. However, in his mind he insisted he played the Hollywood Bowel and met George Carlin. As for the Olympic lightweight boxing lie, he claimed he made it to trials. I youtubed the 1992 Olympics on youtube, boxing trials and all, this boy was no where to be found. Not to mention the girlfriend who had won an Academy Award for costume design was far too famous for google. Then Romeo Rojas the soccer star was also too famous for google. However the only one who comes up lives in the Bronx and owns a painting company, far from being a soccer star. As for Jimmy Hoffa being his dad’s Godfather, highly unlikely. This guy’s family was Irish and Hoffa was Italian. The Irish and Italians have hated each other for centuries. In the town I grew up in the Irish ran out of room in their cemetery. Rather than go to the Italian cemetery, they started to cremate which was against the church at the time rather than “mix with those whops” as an older woman from back home put it. So as you could imagine I was snowballed. Not to mention I got to meet a boatload of his former clients who hate his guts and call him “the stupidest mutherfucker” alive.

However the loser was not done lying. When we broke up he told everyone that he broke up with me. While that was technically true because he called me to break up, I had already taken his number out of my phone and had scheduled another date that evening. Sure the end hurt, but you have to move on even before the burial. So this idiot also told people that we broke up because I was drinking again which was complete bullshit. Nonetheless, those who knew me ignored him because it wasn’t true. Those that didn’t know any better believed I had wronged him.

The alcoholic ex didn’t get him off the hook at work. In between losing files and pissing people off, they pretty much wanted to can him at various points in his career as a legal aid lawyer. Plus bigger firms weren’t hiring him because he was such a goof. So he told everyone he was the big C. That’s right, cancer.

Instantly, everyone felt sorry for him. People from our past sought me out to tell me of my ex’s cancer and how terrible it was. Meanwhile my ex had such a history of being a liar as well as being a hypochondriac. So as all these people told me how he was going to be lucky if he lived I said, “Yes, he will be lucky if he lives. Because when you all find out the cancer is fake you are going to kill him.” Granted, I didn’t know the cancer was fake but his winning record for honesty was far worse than the Pittsburgh Pirates. Needless to say I was called cold hearted, rude, and insensitive.

However my ex was profiting from his cancer. Instead of getting fired from his job he got a promotion because they were afraid he was going to die. Not to mention he had a rich friend with a yacht who let him ride any time he pleased. This dude also got a new girlfriend who was not only decent looking, but insisted my ex was “the strongest woman she knew.” This asshole left me speechless. I had never seen someone milk cancer so well in my life. Granted, one of my old boyfriends had been a former cat burglar and was as slippery as they came, but this dude brought it to a whole new level. He was making out better than a Make A Wish kid!

The climax of Cancer Gate came when I got into a fight with his best friend because I still refused to believe he had cancer. Given his history of dishonesty and how he stood to profit I just couldn’t believe it. Not to mention he had made a “miraculous recovery.” So after five minutes of fighting I said, “Listen, you are telling me Bob has cancer. Rather than feeling sorry like I should be I am wanting proof. What does that say about his character?” I figured from that day forward the less I knew the better.

Well his best friend fired back and said, “When he dies you will feel sorry.” No, it’s more like I will go up to the coffin and pinch him on the cheek to make sure he is dead. If he fails to move I will say, “Ladies and gentlemen, he is telling the truth. Wolf.”

So pretty much he not only wins Loser of the Week, but will pretty much be hard to dethrone.

Love April


  1. I mean this in the most supportive way possible; your personal life frightens me.

  2. Well my personal life got you reading. Here's to many more comments good and bad. xoxo April

  3. I didn't mean it in a bad way at all! It's in that "so bad you have to laugh to find the good" vein. My mom had a friend who once dated a guy who claimed to have been in some kind of pre-professional hockey league and was friends with Bret Michaels (pre-trashy reality show). They're out there. Yikes.

  4. Oh I misunderstood, me bad. But Bret Michaels and a pre-professional hockey player, that is all just a hot mess right there. I have to admit he did cover his ass on pre-professional hockey player because he knew he would be busted if he said he played for a pro team. And Bret Michaels, that's crazy. The dude I talked about claimed to know George Carlin, Beck, The White Stripes and claimed they were all personal friends. We need a website where we list these people's names and put their pictures up so women know to avoid them at all costs.