Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On My Own

I am currently single, singular. Yes, I am a singular noun. Woman.

What is annoying is when I have to constantly defend that against the world. People assume that just because I am single, therefore I am miserable. Just because I am single I am looking for a man. Just because I am single I must want you to fix me up with the miscreant that you met at McDonalds. Or even worse, just because I am single I want you to give me your input on why I am single, and therefore the knight in shining armor will come riding up.

Then there are the annoying single people who make it out like the status is a death sentence. No, you don't have terminal AIDS with complications coupled with ebola, you are just single. That is all. The ones that are especially stupid are the women. They act like it is the end of the world if they dont have a guy to buy them the flowers, give them the house, and then have a cush job so that they can sit on their asses. I have news for those women. Men will ultimately fail you. It's not because they are men. They are human. People will fail you. At the end of the day every man has the same piece of equipment and can do the same set of tricks. Essentially each is an annoying sperm donor. If you can't stand on your own two feet and need the help of a man, you have my permission to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. No one will miss your whining, annoying ass as you talk once again about how all you want is the partner. Yes, you were the dumb girl everyone wanted to ditch at the mall.

The cherry on top of the annoying cake in this equation is the men who assume that all I need to be happy is their penis. Yes, their penis will solve all my problems. It's like their penis is magic. Their penis won't make me what they term as bitter. Here is the Catch 22. If I were a man my bitterness would be called honesty. However because I am a woman my honesty is called bitterness. I am used to fighting this losing battle. I am used to guys puzzled that as a woman I know about football, loved mixed martial arts, and adore The Three Stooges. They want to know, "Why don't you have a man?" Answer, I don't want one. A man is like a puppy. You always need to take care of him, feed him, rub his belly. I don't feel like it. My life is too busy. Men also need to be needed. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I have my own job, my own apartment, and my own career. I don't need a white knight to come in and order me around and make me his maid. End of story.

I have dated extensively. When I was younger I had the shit show engagement. Then I dated the professionals who all needed professional help. Of course there were the bad boys, fun but ultimately a disaster. Lest we not forget the rappers who were also fun but had children everywhere. Same with the Spanish gangsters. And the angry white boys gave me a headache. Translated, I think I have dated enough to know that every guy is a sex starved, overgrown man child in need of a mommy therapist and I don't feel like putting up with it.

I am fine being on my own. Really. As a matter of fact I have a lot of fun. I come when I want. I go when I want. If I want to go alone I do that, and I leave alone without the nagging of a man date. If I want to go with friends, I do that too, and I don't have to worry about some dude saying something offensive about those I care for. I don't have to worry about whether or not he will like my parents. Not to mention on Friday night if I am not working I can kick it with my puppet kiddies and watch Lifetime Movies. Or I can take a kickboxing class. I don't have to worry about a dude and his bros on poker night where everyone is scratching their junk going on about the sex that they don't get from their girlfriends. Not to mention that I get some crazy fan mail, and if a boyfriend read that he would hit the roof. He would demand I be in the kitchen cooking for him at all times and I am one who burns food by the way. Oh and a guy would never do well at a book talk. And the way I travel for my career, a man would never understand that. He would want me to retire and pop out real children, not just puppets. Or he would want to show me off as some stupid trophy to his idiot friends as the girlfriend who writes books and gets on TV in order to control me. Fuck that. I don't need all this drama. No penis is worth that. Even if the penis is a magic penis with powers to seduce any woman on Earth.

When I see couples on the street I am not the least bit envious. I know behind every smile is some pain. Actually most of them are probably together because they are terrified of being alone to tell you the truth. I don't want that for myself. I would rather be happily alone with my own life than pretend to be happy with someone else because that is what the world tells me I should want. As someone who has half a brain, I always feel I have to fortify myself against people who don't understand.

That's okay because it is not their life. I am doing just fine flying on my own. I don't need any man and the penis he believes is magic. I don't need any man and the macho bullshit that comes with him strutting his testosterone. I don't need any man and his stupid ass friends running their stupid ass mouths about the women they claim to get that are probably less authentic than my puppets. I don't need any man in general. I have myself. If things get desperate there is always a vibrator store. And even then why bother when you can have career and ambition?

To all the young women reading my blog, and young guys too, you don't need anyone. Enjoy your youth and enjoy your life. A marriage and a child tether you. Even if you divorce the person you are still tethered to them. Do you want that drama when you can fly free? Because you were born free. And while we are at it, guess what, you enter this world alone. Even though you might be surrounded by loved ones you leave this world alone. So you leave single. Why bellyache about some man or woman? Why lose sleep over some piece of ass that can be easily replaced by striking up a conversation with a stranger at the corner deli? Why even stress when you can just have a good time?

That being said, I am not closing the door on a relationship either. If one comes along at one point when I feel so inclined, why not? There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship as long as you are happy and boundaries are healthy. I know people who are happily monogamous and happily married with kids. But the key is, when they took that step they were ready for it.

I am not ready for that crap. I like my freedom. I like my independence. Maybe one day I might want to live and love for someone else. But as of now, hell no. I am single and proud everyone. Holla!

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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