Friday, April 19, 2013

Mis Amigos y yo Vatos Locos

While I took Spanish in high school and had a lovely tutor named Carla from Chile, my true understanding of Spanish came from several other sources that were slightly shadier. One of course is my deceased friend Chacho, gay Cuban drug dealer. The second is a Puerto Rican ex con I used to know that served as a street lawyer since he had tested the judicial system so much, and his friends with tattooed tear drops (subject for another blog). Translated, my friends are the types that make Republicans cringe and probably scare people out of ever taking Spanish in school. However there are probably times when Espanol is useful in the purchase of drugs or firearms.

And then there were the good, hardworking folks at Lali's where Spanish is spoken on the the regular and such riff raff is not allowed. There I learned how Spanish is useful in ordering food and because I can understand it and speak it kind of my life is easier at every corner store. Plus it was just cool to show off my chops.Plus I cannot forget West Vibe and my boys there making me pretty as they speak their beautiful language and light up my gayborhood. Lest we not forget Sergio.

But the influence of Mexican gangster flicks in the development of my Spanish speaking cannot be discredited. Plus it makes this chica blanca a little bad ass, asi.

Here are ten things Mexican Gangster Flicks have taught me:

10. No matter what, always defend the barrio. And to make your part of the barrio yours, employ the use of spray paint.
9. When called a cholo, you must kick ass to prove you are a vato loco.
8. Always dress in your best clothing because one never knows when they might be killed in a street fight by pendejos who want to take over your barrio.
7. When pursuing life as a gang banger, it is always important to have a tattoo of the Rosary/Virgin Mary anywhere. Also, it is important to attend church regularly. This cancels out the killing you do on the regular as a bad ass vato.
6. When picking a crusita, make sure she wears pants that are too tight, has badly dyed red hair, and always carries a knife in her hair in case you need it. Bonus if she paints her eyebrows and wears flowers in her hair.
5. This one’s for the ladies. Never date a guy named Ernesto. He is a small time drug dealer who gets multiple women pregnant and makes the mistake of giving them both a gun to fight it out. Ernesto is stupid enough to get killed and leaves you both stranded. Plus you will be fighting over his truck Suavecito. Note: Juan and Pablo are alright.
4. While guns are useful, they get clunky with the antique car and nice suit you must wear. Instead, bring a knife or a bat. They are stylish and get the point across when you defend your barrio.
3. Contrary to everyone saying it is an ethnic stereotype, every woman in the barrio can cook and has errant children running around. However, tacos bring them all inside. Everyone stops killing when there is good food on the stove. #racisthollywood
2. When in prison always have your hair gel and join a gang. And when speaking Spanish in prison, drop your voice several octaves. Some call it bad acting, I call it being a bad ass defending la rasa en el barrio.
1. When in doubt, remember Vatos Locos Forever!

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
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Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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