Saturday, April 13, 2013

Dumbasses on Fire

Last Sunday I hung out with an old friend of mine. We were in Sheepshead Bay where he lives. I always go back to Sheepshead Bay this time of year. When I was twenty I got shitfaced there at least once a week at Pips on both Jack Daniels and Long Island Iced Teas. I would also piss myself quite a bit. Once I pissed on the sidewalk in front of the club while drunk. Another time I was waiting for the subway and peed on the bench seat I was sitting in. I hiked my skirt up so no one would see me. I got up and then some lady sat in it. So much for being classy. Hey, I had performed, I had killed, let me take a drunken shame filled relief.

Well these days not so much.

Anyway I went to visit my boy Ward. He is a retired elevator mechanic with an evil sense or humor who is like an uncle to me. Ward is from Canarsie originally when it was Canarsie, aka the Irish kids. Therefore while he likes Spanish women he still needs to one up a Puerto Rican. It is nothing personal. It's because they were rival neighborhoods. I never understood that macho Brooklyn guy bullshit. The Irish guys I dated from Brooklyn feel the need to be tough like Irish boxers. The Puerto Rican guys are very old world walking on the outside of the street letting people know I am theirs and therefore they are not pimping me out. Not the first thing that enters my mind but what do I know.

My buddy wanted to buy my book and I met him and his friends at the bar where they were getting trash faced. These days I am not drinking. Just too much shit and too much headaches and said no more sauce for me. Anyway we were at the bar and Ward and his buddy Bobby were literally monopolizing the jukebox. Just to screw with the entire bar they were picking the worst songs like "Send in the Clowns."

I made friends with his buddy Bobby's girl Denise. Denise is from Puerto Rico and was once a hair dresser. We talked about love, money, and guys. And we talked the entire time. Bobby and Ward started to feel left out and Bobby had a cigarette outside as a hissy fit. We laughed about how stupid guys got when they didnt feel like they were needed. It is true. Men need to feel needed at all times. My buddy Ward began to call us "the lesbians." Yes, we are two women having a good time without them. We must be gay. That must be it. Either way, it was pretty funny to see them both flip out. We both talked about dating Spanish guys and while they were FINE they were also tethered with mucho drama and many a child out of wedlock that they didnt support. Either way shit was cray cray. We began to talk and the f word was used quite frequently.

When the fun at the bar wrapped we went to Ward's house where his nephew Chris is staying with him. Chris and I proceeded to tell crazy jokes and crazy dumb stories and we were just dumb. The swear combinations again got more interesting. At one point I think we all used fuck twenty times in a minute. That is when Ward told me he had slipped up with the crazy Korean girl he had been seeing. To give you the backstory Sun, crazy Korean bitch, lives periodicially with a man who apparently has had a penis implant. So the guy according to Ward is, "Hard all the time." Anyway for a while the Korean chick had moved in with him. Our friendship took a hit at this point because the Korean chick was uber jealous. Anyway she also had him thrown in jail. I never said my friends were smart or normal people.

Ward came up with a plan to best this woman because she wouldn't stop bothering him. He told me he wanted me to go over her house where she was living with the man who had the penis implant and to introduce myself as his wife. And that I wanted her to stop seeing him. I informed Ward that this would be an excellent way to get shot. Ward shrugged. He informed me he was going to be there and nothing would happen. I informed him that this would again be an excellent way to get killed. And Ward again tried to assure me. Finally I was able to talk my crazy friend out of his plan. His nephew was slightly disappointed because Sun the Crazy Korean is apparently very entertaining.

We ended up taking a car service where we had a stupid driver. At this point Ward was a little drunk and when he gets drunk he turns into an asshole. The driver was also Korean, and because of his ex Ward is fluent. So when this dude was intentionally going the long way and being an assweed Ward insulted him in Korean and told him his mother was fat and had a pig face. The rational part of me was embarrassed but my buddy was funny when he got drunk. A dickhead, but funny. I was surprised he didnt get killed. And it's a good thing he didnt because I would have been laughing to hard to call 9-1-1.

We got to this place where they served roast beef. For dinner we ended up eating fries, onion rings, and roast beef sandwiches. Ward asked if they had salad and the owner replied no, that had no salad as well as no vegetables in general. So we said, "Fuck our fucking vegetables" together in literal unison and began eating our roast beef. We made fun of people we both knew and how retarded they were. Our favorite is this chick who tells inapproprite stories as she breast feeds her kids in public. She doesn't do it in a tasteful way but just whips out the titty. Then we made fun of Ms. Wannabe, girlfriend to an ex of mine who wants to be me McLiterally.

After having roast beef we walked the streets and this is how the convo went:

Ward: Man, I can't believe the ice cream shop is closed. Those fucking fucks.

Me: Yeah, fuck those fucking fucks.

Ward: Those fucking fucks should have known we were coming.

Me: Yeah, those fucking fucks should have known. But you took forever you fucking fuck.

Ward: Well fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Me: No fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Ward: No, you are a bigger fucking fuck.

Me: No, you are the biggest fucking fuck.

And then we burst out laughing like we were thirteen again. And together we screamed, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!"

Ward then bought me flowers cause apparently they were on sale and he wanted to. It was sweet. He pointed out that if he were Puerto Rican he would have stolen the flowers. I just burst out laughing because it was a rediculous thing to say. But it was funny. When Ward put me in the car service he told the dude to drop me directly at my door or else he would kill him. I just started laughing harder. Oh Ward. Maybe you aren't an everyday friend but you are funny as shit.

I kept laughing all the way home. I just couldnt stop. My night with Ward was too much fun. The next day I paid dearly. There was work that needed to be done that did not get done. Plus Ward was calling me during my studio time and I was off the chain a tad. (Fuck me oh fucking fuck) and Archie was clearly at the end of his rope with me. I just remember saying to Anthony after he admitted he had no negative friends, "You really  need some. They keep things lively."Oh and my freaking colon felt like I had swollowed a huge rock from all the junk we ate that included chicken wings, fries, calamari, roast beef sandwiches, onion rings and more junk.

As I felt a stitch in my side jogging, the bottom from the night before, I remembered my book had been accepted into the collection at Brown University. I also remembered Mensa had raved about it. Oh and I am on my way into several other collections. I am supposed to be smart, right?

Not so much as I felt like dying all fucking day the next day like the fucking fuck that I can be sometimes when I am a fucking assweed. However I have been working my ass off all winter on my audiobook. I have been working my ass off in general. I wrote a Goddamn book. Haven't I earned the right to be stoopid every oncez in a whilez?

So much for Mensa.

And if you don't understand how fun it is to act stupid, well you are just a fucking fuck with a fucking stick up your fucking ass that seriously needs to be McFucking pulled the fuck out you joyless fuck.

And now this is six minutes of your fucking life you will never get back you good for nothing piece of shit ;).

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

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