Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Boogie Nights

Last night was kind of wild. I boarded the train to do a burlesque show in Brooklyn. When I got on the train I found myself minding my own business when my friend Pauly steps on. Pauly and I go way back and well, he is Pauly. In the season of the Aries he just had a birthday. Not to mention Pauly is crazy as hell and is on a permanent fitness kick. It had been forever and a day since I saw him because he moved downtown.

So Pauly is telling me about his life and is showing me a picture of his Filipino girlfriend who is very pretty. She is a nurse and apparently she can cook quite well. I was glad things were working out so well for him. While I will probably be single forever, I can enjoy when guy meets girl and it doesn’t end in a high speed chase.

Just then I hear someone say, “Are you April?”

I look across and it is a young, nice looking black male in a track suit. Very quickly I am thinking, how do I know this young man? “Yes.” I reply. This is very strange. I am telling myself he is probably not a stalker. A stalker wouldn’t be as friendly. And I don’t believe I owe him money. But who is this mysterious stranger is the track suit?

That is when he says, “I am Dorian from Younow.” I am like WTF?!?! How many times have I chatted with this sweetie that graduated from MIT via chatroom on YouNow during my tenure as a host on there? I always found Dorian smart, sweet, and witty. Not to mention he was knowledgeable as heck about a lot of things. My mouth dropped open. This nice looking black man in the track suit was not a stalker or a former boyfriend but someone who I dealt with many a time via chat room, email, and any other online communication. Not to mention when I opened up about some shiteous things that happened in my past he and his friends were mucho supportive. So lets just say it was a pleasant surprise.

I asked how he recognized me. Dorian said, “I saw you through your sunglasses and heard your voice.” Wowsa, I will never be able to prank call anyone ever.

I promptly introduced Pauly and Dorian. Two stops later Pauly departed and Dorian and I caught up. I asked this youngin, who had been but a zygote out of MIT when we met, how life was treating him. Dorian was still hard at work at YouNow and was living in Clinton Hill. Oh and that pretty girlfriend that he had that was working at Google was now his fiancé. My jaw dropped open. Oh how these kids grow up so fast. I asked him how he proposed and apparently Dorian sent her on a scavenger hunt and then the last stop was the first place they met and he proposed. How romantic! Oh and the wedding is this July. A few stops later Dorian departed but it was awesome to finally get to meet him in person. Lesson learned. A mysterious man in a track suit is a friend you should have in your neighborhood.

I finally got to Lucky 13 Saloon in Park Slope. When I walked in the bar TV had Santa Claus Versus The Martians playing. It is one of the best/worst movies ever. As I glanced on the screen I saw Santa had just been kidnapped so the Martian children could have Christmas. Of course the dialogue was less than audible, not that it was really worth hearing, over the heavy metal music. First was Korn, than Slipknot and then a slew of other angry white kid bands that I liked as a teenager. I met one of the people affiliated with the show who told me they were very anxious to see me and to make myself at home. Then I promptly walked over to the bar where several scantily clad go go girls were doing their thing. One was dressed in something skimpy and black and the other in a Catholic school girl outfit. I told myself whatever happened this evening would be memorable.

Just as I got my soda I heard, “You’re April Brucker!” I turned around and standing there was a man in a suit with a red tie. He had on a stylish hat and sported a small chin beard that was a mix of soul patch and goatee. I prayed I hadn’t accidentally dated him or owed him money. However, seeing him after seeing the stranger in the track suit that turned out to be Dorian Dargan was a little crazy.

“Yes.” I said.

“I’m Chad Russell.” He extended his hand and I shook it. Chad Russell! Chad and I had been talking online for God knows how long. He was a fan of mine and online friend who I was quite fond of. Chad had been plotting to come see one of my shows for sometime and it just simply never worked out. But now here he was and I was about to perform with May. Needless to say he hung out at this bar all the time and just happened to walk in. This was a pleasant surprise and beyond wild. I told him about my chance meeting with Dorian and asked if whatever was up there was trying to send me a message. Chad and I talked about whether or not his was an omen. While we both believe that God or whatever higher power runs the universe can send one omens we also think omen is a big word. But maybe this was all an omen. Either way, there were nearly naked women jiggling on the bar top in a biker den. This was how most omen like stories started in my experience. Now I was in one perhaps.

The performers on the show trickled in, and with them was Angry Bob. It had been forever since I had seen Bob who was one of my first friends in comedy. I introduced Bob and Chad and we all caught up. Soon joining the part was Todd Montesi who was also on the show, and then Jessica Stern. Jessica and I had met at Ray Payton’s funeral. To give you an idea, Ray’s cousin wanted to roast Ray at his wake and Jessica started the roasting. She said Ray had hit on her. And then I went next and mentioned Ray hit on me too. This was followed by every woman in the room coming to the realization that Ray Payton had hit on them. We talked about coming to Ray’s grave in lingerie teddy’s just to screw with his dead spirit this summer. All jokes aside he was our friend but still. Jessica and I laughed and were jumping up and down screaming like two school girls on crack. It was fun and the show hadn’t even started.

Finally the show began almost an hour late and the host took the stage. Steve was funny in that dufus absent minded kind of way. I told myself with the biker types at the bar this show could either be sink or swim. The girls were all tattooed, and the guys looked like they could win a prison fight. The entire time before Steve took the stage they had been oogling over the scantily clad women and putting dollar bills in their G-Strings. Hey, you gotta pay the rent, right?

The show began with the burlesque dancer and than more naked women jiggling on the bar top. Angry Bob then took the stage and freaking killed it. I always like seeing my friends kill it no matter where they are killing it. Bob took down the house and sold a few CD’s. Bob’s victory over the crowd felt like a good sign for me. Usually crowds that like Bob are usually crowds that like me. And those crowds are rough and tumble people who ride motorcycles and might be likely to bite off your ear. But hey, they wanna laugh, right?

The burlesque dancer did a few more numbers and then there were more scantily clad women and more comedy. As the night progressed, I found myself floating in and out of the bar. Because there was a lot packed into one night, it was getting very late. During the course of the evening a guy with long, curly hair by the name of Chris entered the bar. He looked slightly like someone who would have worked or partied with Madonna back in the day. He had skin that was a caramel color, sported a leather jacket, and had long hair. During the interlude with heavy metal music I found myself thinking, “You are cute enough to ruin my life with.”

We went outside and talked where he revealed he was a Libra. This was already trouble. A Libra man is a flirt who has a girl in every port, and is most often the lollipop that everyone has licked. Still he was adorable. He revealed he played guitar and that was his only woman. Also that he was a Columbian from Sunset Park. My experience has told me to give up Latin men for Lent. However Lent is over and it has been a terribly long winter. Still I told myself to be careful. That is when the Columbian who introduced himself as Chris took me in his arms and kissed me. I was totally taken aback. Sure I was attracted to him but never expected the instant passion. I kissed him right back. Why not? Then I was interviewed as a part of the video for the show and Chris jumped into frame with me as my man candy.

As the night went on it finally came time for me to perform. After much go go dancing they were ready for what I had to offer. I knew it was going to be a task but I had to wake this crowd up. So I did some crowd work, they laughed. Good sign. As they were hooked I took May out and immediately they were charmed. In a burlesque set I usually do I had a male audience member take off my trench coat in order to reveal a bikini. The audience went wild. Then I invited two of the Go Go Girls to join May and I for a brief dance. Maybe this wasn’t standup per se but this was a wild night. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just roll with shit. The audience loved it and people got photos. May and I finished our set and I put her away. Then I made a hottie who wandered in my human puppet and he totally ate it up as did the audience. Maybe this set was not getting me on Comedy Central but it is what they would call “fun as fuck” in the world of basement comedy.

When I was done I changed into my sweats. It was getting cold wearing no clothing. I wonder how porn stars do it for serious. I ended up hawking a few books and making some new friends. Of course I went outside to get some air, Chris followed, and then he took me in his arms and kissed me again. I kissed back and it is safe to say we made out a little. Believe it or not I am sort of on the shy side so he had to do all the pursuing. But it didn’t last that long. I had to go in for Jessica’s set and girl rocked it out!

We ended up leaving as people were eating the sushi that was put on one of the Go Go girls for edible purposes plus more. Jessica was my ride home, and the entire time we lamented about all the crazy Latin men we had dated. As we were cruising down the high way remembering our jail bird boyfriends in that mix we accidentally almost ran a red light or two. I made a joke about how a high speed chase would have been perfect for an evening such as this.

Well then it was time to take the Easy Pass lane. Jessica tries to find her Easy Pass sticker while driving. We are laughing and she is trying to drive and we almost crash the car. So then I offer to find the sticker. I do as we don’t die, good times. Well then we try to make the sticker work but it doesn’t work, it’s low on funds, McShitstorm. So then there is no one working at the toll booth. That is when Jess decides to back up and pull into the other toll lane. Well then as we are there this mean, nasty cop appears. He tells Jessica that her maneuver is going to cost her two points on her license. As if! Because of the phantom toll booth action going on we had to do whatz we had to do McYo Yo. So Jess starts trying to bargain with the cop because he came out of no where and there was no one in the toll booth. Finally I beg the cop to let her go and not to shave points off of her license. So he lets us go. We learned our lesson.

We got out of there and talked about how if we failed in comedy we could either be traffic cops or toll booth operators. Neither really work it seems. But we almost got our high speed chase. Nonetheless, I think I have a new friends. Actually new friends.

To more adventures with Chad Russell!

To more wild gigs with Angry Bob!

To more run ins with Dorian Dargan and broadcasting online again!

To more fun with my new girlie pal and more adventures with Jessica Stern!

To more ruining my life with long haired guitar players! (Okay maybe not but it sounds fun).
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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