Wednesday, May 1, 2013

No Beef

Last night I was at 78 Below hanging out with the crew of Kelli, Ron Barba, Vipul, Kelli's half sister and half sister's bestie, and Ron's random friend. Vips was late as usual. The thing about Vips is that he is like the period of a slutty teenage girl. He is late, always. And then you freak out. But when he arrives it is always a relief and he is the most celebrated luminary of the night.

Vips had not eaten all day and intended to drink heavily like the borderline alcoholic that he is. As usual, he had some woman he was dealing with. When it comes to women Vips is something else. He usually dates women who do fetish modelling or work in the porn industry. Usually their encounters end with one of these women going nuts in some way. Big surprise. Vips once let me know that if I needed a hot night he would be able to assist me. Thing is, Vips is like the lollipop that everyone has licked. Still, he is a good friend. He threw me a hell of a birthday party. I never knew another year on this planet could be so much damn fun. Usually a party with Vips means you are having so much fun that you get home at the crack of dawn.

Vips needed food in order to keep drinking heavily. I wasn't that hungry but agreed to split something with Vips. So he said, "When you order food, no beef." For the record Vips is a practicing Hindu. Yes, it is hard to believe. He breaks every other tenant of his faith by smoking, drinking heavily, and screwing women of ill-repute but he doesn't eat beef.

We went outside where we gossiped about another friend of ours who is rather off the chain. Wait, all my friends are off the chain, nevermind. So this is how the convo went:

Me: So you smoke, drink, screw porn stars but don't eat beef. What does your God with eight arms think of this? I am just curious.

Vips: How should I know?

Me: Well you seem to disobey every other rule in your religion but you don't eat beef.

Vips: Yeah, what is your point.

Me: My point is, you picked the most random rule to follow while you just break all the others.

Vips laughs

Me: Seriously, you don't eat beef. What does that eight armed God of yours say about you eating pork?

Vips shrugs

Vips: She says nothing. Why?

Me:Because you ate pork the night you slept with that fat pig.

We both laugh

Vips: You have no right to bring her up. I was really drunk at the time.

We both laugh

Me: But you weren't eating beef.

We both laugh again

Me: I forgot, people have paid you via craigslist for various services. I think that is against your religion too.

Vips shrugs.

Me: Vips, you are going to hell. I am saving a spot for you.

Vips: Who's hell?

Me: Mine you eight armed Goddess worshipping no beef eating heathen.

We both burst out laughing.

Later that night as we are driving home Vips showed me a photo of his new hook up. She is nineteen and she is a student. The picture was a naked pic where I saw everything. I had to chuckle. She was kind of on the chunky side. Vips might not eat beef but he has plenty of pork in that diet.

On the upside, he has always had a suggestion on how to promote my book, and never forgets anyone's birthday. As I said he threw me the best birthday party ever. Vips has also been supportive during my rainiest days. And a friend is someone who is nice to you when life isn't. Yes, he is a wigged out sex fiend but he is my wigged out sex fiend. Yes, he doesn't eat beef but eats plenty of pork and that is his prerogative. And if you make fun of him I will beat your ass.

And when he comes for dinner have the booze, have the whores, and have an open window so he can smoke. However, no beef. It's not what's for dinner.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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