Thursday, May 9, 2013

How Not To Get A Woman Part Deux

A few years ago, at twenty three, I was waiting to do a comedy show at a pretty much redneck bar. If you have ever seen Blues Brothers and remember that scene in the bar when they keep singing "Rawhide" that is pretty much this place. Anyway, I was early to this pretty much hell gig. Sitting at the bar, I got myself a pop as we call it in Pittsburgh and patiently waited for the producer and booker to show. Just then filing in were a bunch of rednecks. Inbred to the max, they were mullet and flannel wearing. I looked down, told myself to focus on the fireplace. I had been early and still had two hours to go. The only reason I had done this was I had no idea where I was going and hate to be late.

Two of the rednecks glanced at the poster where I was and then back at me several times before making the connection that the girl on the poster and the girl on the bar stool were one in the same. At times like this I wished I had the commentary of the robot cast of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. That is when the game was on. One guy who looked and spoke like the retarded brother of Larry the Cable Guy walked over and said, "You're the comedian."

I nodded. Then he asked, "Are you funny?" Dear God, I hate that question. No, I am not funny. I am a sad and depressing sack of shit and that is why I get onstage. I want people to cry and Regional Theatre wasnt casting so here I am. Of course I am funny ass weed.

"Maybe." I said. I didnt want to talk to this mongoloid any longer. That is when his buddy, who was shorter and even stupider announced that he was going to tell me some jokes. According to his buddy I was "very pretty" and he knew he could "impress a gorgeous girl" like myself. Translated, I had all my teeth and that was a rarity in these parts.

Well Conway Twitty as I will call him began his attempt at comedy. He started with a moderately racist joke one of my drunkles told me as a child. However, he quickly moved on. All of his jokes were about black people being lynched, killed, arrested, and raping white women. Oh and he didn't say black people, he used the "n" word. My whole thing is, if you are going to go offensive you better be funny. This dude was offensive, unfunny, and just a downright bully. Basically a stupid redneck who probably learned how to speak last week. Despite the fact I clearly wasn't into it he kept going. His friends all thought he was the greatest thing since Johnny Carson, and one even said so. I thought about lying that I had to get some air, but I was in the middle of no where and this was pretty much the only destination.

While I joke about race from time to time, they are jokes. I have friends from everywhere and cousins who are mixed as well. Sure these were jokes but the hatefulness was starting to bother me, especially since it WASN'T FUNNY. If he was trying to impress me the only thing impressive here was his utter ignorance.

As the barrage of unfunny continued, this dude moved on to bashing gay people in his jokes. Except instead of the term homosexual he used the "f" word. Again, if you are going to be offensive, you better be funny. This dude was unfunny, offensive, and thought he was impressing me. Note, many of my friends are gay and my book is a part of the Pride Scavenger Hunt this year. I kept hoping he would stop but there was no limit to this man. In his jokes gay people were being stoned to death and black people were being dragged in the back of cars by chains.

Just when I didnt think it could get any worse, he and his friends asked me if I ever thought rape was okay. I told them as a woman it was never okay to rape someone. What did they expect me to say, "Rape, rape, and rape some more." Yes lets rape. That is when they informed me women had too many rights and one of the guys informed me he had just beaten a rape charge. According to him, the woman just "Made it all up." Yes it was official, somewhere along the lines I pissed God off and was dropped into hell. Note, when my male comedian comrades make these jokes these are jokes. They would never hurt me for real. These guys, well I wasn't so sure.

That is when the unfunny racist, sexist, homophobe and the suspected rapist began to argue over who was getting my number. It was like that scene in Dirty Work. I just wanted to say, "I think you should fight it out" and then walk away apathetic as hell.

In any event, as this was going on a black dude walked in. Immediately I figured there was going to be a fight at some point and I could take these dudes, so I walked over to the black dude and said hi. These red necks were amazed that I dissed them. One said, "I see she likes the dark meat." I didnt like the dark meat per se especially when the light meat probably tasted like chewing tobacco. In any event, I ended up talking to the black dude and liking him. These dudes then left the bar and kept bitching about what a "cunt" I was. When I told the black dude what happened he laughed and told me they were just morons and not to pay attention. I had a drink with the dude and then he left.

About a half hour later the comedians came and we did the show. It was a rough crowd with a heckler. I did okay but told myself I wasn't coming back to this hell hole in the woods again. I haven't returned since. Still, one thing about me is that I don't like an ignorant bully. Maybe it was because I was bullied as a kid, or maybe my mom raised me better. I dunno. But ignorant bully plus unfunny equals not getting my number.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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