Sunday, May 12, 2013

My Mama is Magic

My mom is awesome. She is the shiznit. Most people will claim this about their mom's but in my case it is true. There have been times when I thought my mom would become totally lame but she surprised me by being completely and utterly with it.

When I was fifteen we were moving a relative of mine and her husband to their house. We had to go to their condo to collect their belongings. Anyway, this particular aunt is as sweet as they come but she has a tendency not just to date the biggest losers but to marry them. My aunt's husband had just quit his job at the post office an was now trying to make a living with his salsa recipe. While this was a whim and a prayer, it was more like the devil because not only did the salsa suck, but when he went to deliver it the jars exploded. Translated: botulism. 

Note: Most recently, my aunt's husband was arrested for public drunkenness at the library. His biggest scam, due to his little drug problem, was telling people he has Parkinson's Disease in order to get medicinal marijuana and other drugs at the mercy of the drug dealer. Well he doesn't quite realize that when you do that, you can't just take a break from doing the shake, rattle, and roll to run a road race. No, you got to stick with it. If you are going to be a dickhead go for it with all the gusto you have in the world. Well he was at the library with his dog, and by the way he was telling people it was his therapy dog. So while he was on the computer trying to get chicks and possibly sent to do an errand for my book-I am a rap star-he was arrested. Oh an it made the local paper. I want to be a fly on the wall when he is arraigned but back to my mom.

Anyway he moved them out and it took longer than usual cause my aunt's husband had to go back and get more of his belongings. My mom, curious, got out of the car to see what my uncle was getting. She gets back in the car, shakes her head, an begins swearing. 

This is how the conversation went between my mom and I:

Me: Mom, why are you so upset?

Mom: You know what the big hold up is? Your uncle had to go back and retrieve his Playboy collection.

Me: What? 

My mom nods

Mom: I don't know what a married man is doing with one of those. When you get married it is no more Playboy time. Your father doesn't feel the need for a Playboy collection.

Me: Mom, I wouldn't want to know if dad had a Playboy collection.

Mom: Well I mean, you know what guys do with a Playboy collection, right April?

I nod.

Mom: I mean, I look at your uncle and I look at the Playboy collection. Five boxes. Five! April, frankly I think that if any of those women were to meet your uncle in real life they would keep their clothes on forever. I mean, he is such a pathetic, pot smoking loser wimp. I am just thankful I am married to a man. Your uncle probably can't even get it up. As a matter of fact, his sex drive is probably like this.

My mom takes her pinky, starts to wiggle it, and then points it downward towards her hand making a squashing sound

Mom: Duh, duh, duh.

My mom and I start laughing

Me: It's too bad we have to behave when we get to their house

Mom: Shit everyone's leaving. And you're right, you have to behave when you get to their house

I make a similar motion with my pinky and my mom laughs.

We drive off

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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