Monday, May 20, 2013

Live Girls, Man Caves, and Other Things

When Times Square was Times Square, they used to have flashing signs that said, "Live Girls." I have seen pictures of this. During my travels as a comedian when accidentally driving through a local red light district I saw the same sign, "Live Girls." Now the sex shops have moved to Eighth Avenue. They aren't quite the same. There are lots of porn vids like straight porn, gay porn, lesbian porn, mixed race porn, and of course tranny porn. One shop advertised "Live Girls" and explained they were on the upper level.

I remember going upstairs to see these "Live Girls." What did they mean? Was this like a menu at an eatery where they explained the fish of the day was fresh catch? Were the girls just sitting in the tank waiting to be caught with a huge net? And what did you do when you caught your lady? Did you bring her home and keep her in a cage? I know it sounds crazy but some people are into that. Or was it more or less you had to bait the line? I didn't see any fly fishers. I didn't know. Well I saw just these three women sitting upstairs chilling out. They were scantily clad and kind of on the saggy side. Their best days had passed them up and now they were receiving their paycheck in slimy quarters. The one even had cottage cheese cellulite. I was alarmed. Where were the fishing nets? No one had caught them yet. Or maybe they had been here since the eighties and people forgot about them. One asked me if I was lost. I just turned around and left. Maybe I should have come back with my hooks and nets to capture them. Then I could have told people, yes, they were swimming in a tank. Mermaids exist.

Another time for kicks a comedian friend of mine and I went to a peep show. We were both young and stupid with fifty cents and too much time. They still have them on Eighth Avenue. When we got in the booth it was some scantily clad woman being fucked by a horse. Was this a homage to Catherine the Great? Either way my buddy and I couldnt stop laughing. Was this for real? Man, some people were desperate. If your luck got that bad there was always craigslist. But she was a farm girl. Maybe she didn't have such a thing. We were promptly thrown out of the store because we couldn't contain our laughter. Afterwards we nicknamed the girl Stable Mable. I ended up talking to someone afterwards and they told me it turns some people on. Who? Do they wear a straight jacket?

What amazes me is how men and women are wired so differently. I was at a penthouse party once and ended up chatting with some folks in this dude's man cave. He had a pretty extensive Playboy collection dating back to the 1970s when the chicks had generous bushes. Yes, rose bushes. He was showing his guy friends some of the prints and I was like, whatever. Anyway, on his wall was a naked photo of a woman lying in a meadow. It was what is referred to as a tasteful nude. Yes, she was just lying in the meadow casually naked chilling out. She was just there waiting for a guy. She was happy as could be, just naked. The guys at the party wanted to know who did the shot cause the girl was "hot." The thing that went through my mind was that she was naked. Was it warm where she was? What if she had misinterpreted the temperature because it was sunny and was freezing her ass off, literally? Or worse yet. She was in the grass. What if it was muggy and mosquitos were biting her where the sun didn't shine? That would be an embarrassing visit to the doctor. Or worse yet. What if she got Poison Oak on her unmentionable regions? Explain that one to your gyno. These things must be thought of when one lies naked in a meadow. Just saying ladies.

To me it is always crazy what happens when men and women meet. Guys are always thinking, "She is hot. I wonder if she is a freak. Let me lean in and pretend I care about her hard day at work to find out."

Women on the other hand are thinking, "He has a good job and a promising career. In a month we will be exclusive, in six months committed, in a year I will have a ring. Two years I will be married. Oh wait until he meets my mom! She'll love him."

Bottom line, whoever thought of this was a little evil. Just saying.

What gets me about guys is they are so fascinated with lesbians. A lot of so called lesbian porn is created for straight men. It is usually two blondes with extreme penis envy. They just happened to be dressed in black lingerie and have DD boobas. Oh and of course the video cam is accidentally on and the dildo is ready. Or better yet, they are unsupervised Catholic School Girls. Oh and they want dudes to just jump in!

Truth, lesbians don't watch lesbian porn. I have had several Sapphic friends tell me this. Most of the time, if the scene were real, the book shelf /music collection would have probably Emily Dickinson or Ani DiFranco on it. One would be butch. The other would be more femmy. Maybe they would make love. Maybe they would snuggle. One or both might be aggressive vegans. Neither would have a Catholic School Girl Outfit or Black Lingerie. There might or might not be a dildo present and no camera would be on let alone present. Translated, they are together because they don't want a dude in the room. Get the picture horny men. And if you challenge them they might read you their Smith College or Sarah Lawrence Graduate Thesis on Gender and Society. What I am trying to say is that it isn't the orgy fest you think it is. Truth be told, the minute Ani DiFranco comes on I think the jig will be up. Oh fantasy.

I am convinced the male brain has three settings: sports, food, and sex. That is why football games have lots of action on the field, lots of junk food in the stands, and lots of boobas bouncing up and down in the cheerleader uniforms. Some have argued that guys are more complex. Eh, not really. Most of the time they will actually admit it which is kind of cool on their part.

What I don't understand is monogamy. I don't think it is natural. I think this is why people are unfaithful. There was once a study done that adultery started in the animal kingdom as a means to keep the species going. So to be with one partner forever is not natural. I have never thought so. Some people do it because the world tells them they have to. I don't know how I feel about that. Some people are designed for it. Some people not so much. I think these standards are unfair. That way people wouldn't be persecuted when they just wanted to stray. Most of the time it is nothing personal. Most of the time people don't love the one they stray with. They just have other needs.

I explained this to my mom. This was our exchange:

Mom: I disagree. Someone who can't stay faithful is an asshole who can't commit.

Me: That doesn't mean they are bad. I know plenty of good fathers who couldn't stay faithful.

Mom: They couldn't be that good.

Me: I just don't think monogamy is natural. Everyone should just have an open relationship.

Mom: Women will continue to be jealous. Men will continue to be possessive. People will continue to die.

Sigh. Maybe my mom has a point.


I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square

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