Thursday, May 30, 2013

Ego Reduction

I was having quite a day yesterday. On the street, I saw not one but two old friends. I bragged about my achievement of an Ivy League book signing event. Oh and also how Mensa said my book was a must read. On top of that, Barnes and Noble is now selling my book as a paperback. I have two other stores interested and a big site who is reviewing my book. Did I mention some magazines said they want to do a story? I was like YIPEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

My sound engineer called me to tell me I would be hearing my audiobook next week. It's always nice to hear from Archie. My weeks are not the same without him. He told me as soon as my book was on the shelves to get a picture. Oh and I am part of a Gay Pride event that is just awesome! And it is plugging my book, my book, my book.

That is when I got home and checked my email. A Barnes and Noble that I wanted to have an event at passed on my proposal. It was nothing big. Apparently my book was "nonreturnable." WTF?!?! I know this is a technicality that is the fault of my publisher and not my own. If this is the case. Maybe the system is quirky because my paperback is new to the system. Either way it kind of depressed me. I almost wished they would have called me to tell me my book sucked and I had no talent as a writer or a comedian. While this was nothing personal, it sucks in a way because it was technical. The lady was actually quite nice about it. If it was personal I could call her a bitch as much as I wanted and feel good about it but I can't. Instead I just have to bang my head against the wall and get on with my life.

A summer writing seminar I wanted to take is really costly and there is no way I can swing it. While it is at Columbia, I don't want to be locked into something I might not like with a teacher I don't know. Not to mention I looked at the teacher's bio and I was almost as qualified as they were. I spoke to my mom about it who said if I was spending that much time and money to put it towards a degree. I don't feel like getting another degree at this point in my life. Maybe later on. I don't know. We both agreed that I shouldn't close the door on the option. Still, I have no desire to do it. My mom agreed the only reason I should do it is if it's something I want. I don't know, either way it got into a squabble where I had to remind her I was an adult and it was my life. She reminded me I wouldnt always be in my twenties and I found myself yelling and screaming like a thirteen year old. Maybe it was masking my disappointment because I could have taught that class. You published a few short stories. I wrote a book and had a signing at an Ivy. HAH! Either way, I left the convo feeling like shit.

I don't even think it was because I was mad at my mom. We usually get along great. She is actually one of my best friends in the world and supports me taking classes to learn and network. I just think this family weekend had been really intense. While the signing went well, and Skipper and Wendell's graduation was beautiful, I felt like I was being crushed and smothered at certain points. It was nothing personal. It's just the weekend was really intense as I said. I mean, Friday I got up at 3 am, got a train, got to Providence and then was thrown into a dress to see my sister get an award. Then it was off to have lunch after the award. Then off to meet my brother and his wife at the hotel. Then headed for a big dinner. After that we did the Brown Campus Dance in the freezing rain with umbrellas. Usually campus dance is fun. But in the cold and in the rain, nothing is fun. My mom insisted on going cause we had spent boat loads of money, but it was just too cold to be enjoyed and we were all just too tired, which was worse cause it was just miserable out. Saturday was raining and miserable. There was no going outside because of the cold and the rain that just kept pouring. We ended up going to lunch. Then while the signing was awesome and I got to meet Wendell's lab chums, I was in a cake costume and it was BURRRR outside and certain parts of the store were drafty. Well I was drained and developed a temperature. The medical school dinner was fine but I was just exhausted. Sunday was graduation and it wouldn't have been so bad except my mom insisted on getting a private, professional family photo done at 8 AM. I understand, Skipper and Wendell only go this way once but this was just insane because it was really cold out. I was bundled like the feet of a Chinese baby girl. I am telling you, it was cold. The church was warmer, slightly beautiful. But my feet fell asleep from taking so many pictures an my legs were so jellified that I almost fell over the balcony.

Then across the street at the Hope Club I went to use the bathroom cause I had to pee. As I was coming in this old woman was coming out. Like one of those old women from the old Pilgrim yarns she snarled, "Move out of my way girl so I can get through!!!!" Wowsa, isn't that a rap song. I wanted to remind her that I had a pulse but what could I do?

Anyway, I just think I need my space from my family right now. I spent not one but two weekends in a row with them. Most everyone was well behaved. But when I don't get a moment to myself it is nothing personal. My character defects sprout extra limbs which makes the quirks of everyone around me harder to deal with. Oh, and I shared a hotel room with my parents. It wasn't too bad, except when it comes to the bathroom my dad is slightly more girly than my mom and I. He takes forever and a day.

So with all that going on, I get an email from a magazine that I had reached out to for an interview. They said while my book was "charming" they were one for the year and to reach out next year. Fuck me. Fuck me with a big, huge, black, George Carlin-esque dildo. Fuck me up the ass while you are in the neighborhood. I know I have a mouth like a sailor but he can suck my cum dripping dick.

Not the most erudite.

Note the most eloquent

Not like an NYU educated woman

Not like a woman who's book is a part of Brown University's Bookstore Collection

Not like a woman who's book was called a Must Read by Mensa

Not like a woman who's book is now available as a paperback through Barnes and Noble

Not like a woman who pondered taking a summer writing course at Columbia

Not like a woman who's audiobook will be complete next week

Probably like a woman featured on Britney Spears's website

Probably like a woman with a chip on her shoulder when it comes to living in a man's world

Just like a woman who needed a trip back to Earth.

Sigh, the ride on the spaceship sucks ass.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

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