Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The True Story of the Easter Bunny

They say Easter is about Jesus but that is simply not true. It is about the Easter Bunny. In all reality, Easter began much differently. Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a race. Jesus had just risen from the tomb and wanted a holiday because he was a rich kid who did what zombies do all the time-come back from the dead. Much like any rich kid, what he asked for he pretty much got. The zombies of the land were upset about this because they did this every Sunday afternoon. Because Jesus had a rich father he could do this once and get all the credit just like Elvis did for rock ‘n’ roll. Not to mention his Good Friday Show left his soul intact so he was hungry for regular food rather than flesh of passing humans, which depending on the diet of the victim can be rather bitter.
The zombies took their complaint to a local ground hog named Puxsutawney Phil. This great manimal often predicted the changes of the seasons so he was the one to solve this conflict. The ground hog interpreter, a man who drank all day and could not hold a job as he enjoyed wine and woman, said the ground hog did not see his shadow so there would be an early spring. And just then a rabbit hopped by. That is when Phil went and made a ground hog noise. The ground hog interpreter said he now had the answer for the zombies. Jesus would race the rabbit, because none of the zombies could. It being because they did not come from rich parentage, therefore their undead limbs would fall off if they had a physical workout that was too taxing. A rabbit was able bodied, however. If the rabbit won, Jesus would have to fade into obscurity and stop hacking off of zombie past times. If Jesus won, the zombies would have to stop ripping on him and treat him as an equal as far as the rising from the dead accomplishment went.
The rabbit recruited was named Cadberry. He was a good rabbit, a God fearing rabbit, and entrapped into this drama when the zombies threatened to drink the blood and eat his rabbit family. The zombies promised if he won they would get him an endorsement deal on behalf of Jesus. Cadberry had about thirty rabbit children to feed in his hutch so he agreed to the race. Not to mention a nagging wife who made a lot of droppings and nothing else.
The two were at the starting line on that fateful day. Jesus had his hooker girlfriend crying as usual because she had daddy issues. Cadberry had the zombies snacking on a dog who had wandered by because food was scarce this time of year for the undead. Thus the drama began.
Jesus raced his heart out, but unfortunately dying and coming back from the dead makes someone weak, even if they are the son of a very powerful man. Human flesh does have it’s vitamins and nutrient benefits. So while Jesus, being superhuman, was leading for the first half of the race, the second half saw his limbs growing numb cause even though his dad is loaded they are still dead dude limbs. Cadberry however, who was behind, feared for his poor rabbit family, and raced his little heart out.
As the two crossed the finish line Jesus and Cadberry were neck and neck. And then as the rope broke there was a tie. Jesus was a little worn out seeing that he had only died a few days earlier. But as there was confusion for the tie breaker, they looked over and saw that Cadberry had dropped dead. Trying to please the zombies and feed his family while keeping up with a super human who had an unfair advantage had made his poor little body give out. The zombies grieved Cadberry and tried scheming to give him some leftover human flesh in their supply house. However, Jesus figured that he could do a magic trick or miracle as they call it in the Bible. So he snapped his fingers and Cadberry came alive.
Jesus also had a proposition. He would give the zombies their street cred and in turn, Cadberry could be their representative if they had any concerns for his well connected Pops like perhaps the placement of their souls so they could rest as well as Zombie Rights in general. Up to this point, that is until Jesus v. Cadberry, the undead had never had rights and now they did. Cadberry then became Jesus’s pet bunny and had enough dough to support his little rabbit family.
That is the true story of the Easter Bunny. 


I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

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