Friday, March 8, 2013

Back to the Salt Mines

For a while I haven't been giving standup as much attention as I used to. Some of it was events that I just don't want to go into. Cause why? And of course I got the job with the online network and then I made music and wrote a book that I am turning into a musical. While I never stopped performing I just wasn't out every night because I was either in the studio all day putting my book in audio form, shooting for the web network, broadcasting for another web network, or recording music or proof reading and everything else. Plus I have been in the game long enough to know what will happen for me and what won't in the industry. 

I know I will make it on my own original talent, skill, and merit. I know doors open for me because I am unique. I know that I will not be invited to any of the major comedy festivals because I am not a man with a funny beard (or man in general) and/or a fat woman who could easily be cast as Mimi on Drew Carey. I know that even if you are funny they can deny you, especially as a woman. But if you are famous with a large following they cannot. Not to mention names get spots all the time and most of them are the farthest thing from funny. 

My MO for the past few years since the terrible split with the shithole I worked with was that I had no interest in performing unless the following things were in place. One, it was a venue that I liked. Two, it was a show produced by fans/friends where I would be paid well and treated fairly and therefore would perform for free. Three, it was an A list club where they would pack the house. I once told someone I wanted to fight for the spots I deserved and they all said, "We all deserve better spots." Then again, this is someone who hasn't done shit in years so there you go. Needless to say I don't settle. Perhaps that is what makes me the thorn in the side of the men in this industry who view me as an unwelcome guest either because I am terminally unique or because I am not on my back with my legs spread like a lot of girls who are fucking their way to the middle. 

But on the flipside the calender is filling up. Tonight I am emceeing and stuff. I don't usually emcee but it's an old friend and it is a chance to perform again. I took the gig when my calender was light and plus while emceeing is bitch work it is a chance to get on my feet again. And who knows? I might suck. Plus the friend/fan shows are pouring in.

I have been getting up all week to make sure I am ready for tonight. Despite the flash of ego I put on I do get nervous. I put on the flash of ego and remind everyone who I believe I am because acting big doesn;t make me feel so small. So there it is. I have gone back to the salt mines. I detest paying for stage time, especially since sometimes there are people there who want to be cruel to me because I have gotten more TV time in a week than they will in their entire careers. There are people there angry that I am making something of myself, and that I am an independent woman doing it my own way in this man's industry where I am an unwelcome, unwanted guest. Whether it's the Neanderthal's on one end or the uber idiotic alt guys who have too many feelings and not enough talent that happen to be the right gender on the other I am carving my own path. In the past I made the mistake of taking their stupidity, and the careers handed to them because they are guys, personally.

But now I don't give a fuck. 

Actually who am I kidding? I just dedicated an entire paragraph to those fucks. 

I do digress though. I have been hitting the mics and shows this week and have been having more fun than I have in a while. I like being onstage again and feel more at home there than I have in a while. I don't give a fuck the shithole I am too famous for fire me. I don't give a fuck I am not male  in the industry that favors them no matter how much talent they lack. I don't give a fuck I am different in an industry with no imagination that tries to box people, especially women in. I am having fun. I am funny. I am onstage. 

This week has reminded me that despite the bullshit I feel in my career sometimes, largely because I am not a man, I do love what I do. There is no other path for me. There is no other high like someone saying they have seen you on TV. I have tried escaping and this has always found me. I know I get TV time easily. I know my job is to be funny. I know I am just a bundle of nerves who tries to puff herself up because deep down she feels so teeny tiny and pathetically small. I know it is because I am desperate to be loved. I know I sound like a reckless mess who is overworked and this is why I make bad decisions. 

I know I need to do a better job of ignoring those fucks who are jealous and when I refer someone to my fan page because I have too many friends on my regular facebook page say, "The more friends you have on facebook the less friends you have in real life." 

Oh well. I am a human girl. I have a feeling that if I keep fighting the good fight the A-List bookings will catch up to my TV time and more TV time will come. My puppet children will all get new clothes and beds, mom will get a big bed, and maybe I will get a TV. 

I just have to have fun tonight. That's all. 

I am grateful for the open mic salt mines.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available at 877-Buy-Book,
E-Book available at Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available in the Spring of 2103
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

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