Sunday, March 24, 2013

Asinine Dribble on a Sunday Night

Today I went to the studio to record. I am sure Archie and Anthony are glad my audiobook is almost done. While they probably enjoy my company, my voice that sounds like a mix of Minnie Mouse and Mae West with a bizarre twang from no where is haunting their dreams. I can see it now, they are taking their one day of sleep and there they hear my voice as they close their eyes. And there I am in my usual recording studio clothes, sweats and looking like I rolled out of bed. Actually most of the time I have.

During one of my many pee breaks which I take a ton cause all I do is drink coffee, tea, and water, especially now that I have been sick, I saw this hottie female artist coming in. I mean, she looked good. She was all bestyled and slick. Immediately in my brain I called her every terrible name in the book for looking so hot. I mean, I am there to work not to get a date but still I felt like the fat chick in seventh grade again. In my head I assured myself she wasn't as smart and as funny as I was. Ripping her up in my head felt good. Did she know I went to NYU? Did she know I wrote a damn book that was reviewed by Mensa? Did she know I was a smart woman who needed no man unlike this thing who probably manipulated men?

 I took a deep breath and told myself to stop being such a bad clothes wearing, bitchy, smarter than the rest of the world, female writer. Women are terrible when it comes to each other. A minute later I introduced myself and spoke to her for a few minutes. She was really sweet. My bet is she has a great voice and will make a great record. Where was this terrible wench coming out of? This girl was perfectly fine. Gosh, when April is all work and no play she can be a very bitter woman. Maybe April the Female Writer is April McNoFun.

After I left the studio I swung by one of my old haunts to see a crush of mine. For weeks I have been making subtle moves to get my attention and he has been all chitty chatty. Needless to say, I was ready to make a move, maybe make a coffee date. That is when I saw him talking to this thing with badly dyed blonde hair and this low cut number. YUCK! I felt like crying on the spot. Then I remembered I never even told him I liked him. OOPS.

It's weird for me when I have a crush. I can never tell someone how I feel. I just want to give them a little note that says: "Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe." It is really tough for me to talk to guys. I have always been kind of shy. When I was younger I struggled with my weight and maybe that is it. In middle school I was asked out as a joke and I couldn't believe a guy likes me for real. In high school I lost the weight but wasnt allowed to date, and the one time I got the guts to like a guy he totally didn't return the favor. Then there was the disaster fiance.

Yes, the disaster who was physically abusive as well as verbally and emotionally abusive. The disaster who said me or the puppets. Maybe that is why I hate the way I talk. My ex's friends used to make fun of the way I talked behind my back. Perhaps it's better that Mr. Perfect didn't return the favor. He had a great job and a great personality. I am just one hell of a shy hot mess. People say they wish they saw this side of me more often. But it is painful as hell...

That's when I realized for as much as I crushed on this guy I could never love him because there is a large part of me that still loves Holden. I still dream about him. It was tough to end that. We didn't have a fight. He didn't cheat. He never hit me. No, Holden was sick. He was a drug addict, an alcoholic, and bipolar that wasn't properly treated. Sometimes when I tell people about him they call him names. People say I should forget about him. I remember he texted me and said he had six months clean. Six months clean isn't enough people told me. A year or eighteen months maybe. But you can't help who you love...

I went to the pool to take a swim. When I got there there was a cute lifeguard minding the pool. He looked to be about nineteen or so and had this million, billion, mega watt smile. I just remember he walks over to tell me the lane is closed. But this is how the exchange went:

 Hottie: Excuse me, I am closing this lane.

Me: Duunnnnhhhhhh......Okkkkaaayyyy.

Then as I began my kicking in the pool I passed the hottie several times. He probably had some horrid ring tone on his phone. He probably had some same aged teeny bopper girlfriend who dressed in clothes similiar to that female artist who I hated in my mind but seemed so nice when I spoke to her. Actually his teeny bopper girlfriend was probably a loser. Oh well, in the back of my mind I thought of how to make my move, April "Cougar" Brucker. However, ten years ago I too was a lifeguard. Ten years ago I had dirty old men trying to seduce me into the steam room. Ten years ago I detested men like this. Now my mind was in the gutter. In my mind I had the bravado but as I said I am so shy I wouldn't know how to put the words together. So these are the scenarios I came up with.

Scenario 1- I pretend to be drowning in the pool so he is forced to save me. Then as he is performing rescue breathing I slip him the tongue. Yes, maybe he has the teeny bopper girlfriend but I am a real woman.

Scenario 2- I prance around in a really sexy bikini and bend over as much as possible intriguing his barely legal imagination.

Scenario 3- I actually get the nerve to talk to him and tell him all about my skill as a female writer and a ventriloquist and my singing telegram performing making it painfully desperate that I never get out very much thus scaring him away forever.

Scenario 4-I get out one of my puppets. Here is what the puppet says, "Hey Stud Muffin. April thinks you are really fly. Can she take you out for pizza? Despite our TV time we are really poor, but you are a lifeguard so you are super poor."

I glanced over again. He was texting, eyes off the pool in the event someone was drowning. Needless to say if he worked under my mother he would have probably been canned like Coca Cola. I bet you he was texting, "This weird old ass bitch keeps giving me the eyes. I bet she is desperate and I bet she plays with puppets and writes books and doesn't have a man." Sir, your bet would be correct. Now come to my Cradle of Love in five minutes so I can rock your my mind.

Okay, I need to stop while I am ahead. But rest assured there will be plenty of freestyle this summer. As I exited he waved goodbye to me and I was turning so red I almost walked into the men's rest room. But ooops, Hottie waved goodbye. Hottie the Errand Lifeguard. Bow Wow Wow. Get a hold of yourself April.

I stripped and went to the sauna. People get buck naked in there. They let the world see everything. Personally, despite some of the photos I have taken I am quite shy. I always put a towel over my lower half. There was one woman in there that was not very good looking. Then another who was hot as hell. The one that was hot as hell intimidated me. She had the perfect body, just like the girl my crush was talking to. Probably just like Hottie the Errant Lifeguard's Girlfriend. Just like that female artist who was so nice but so beautiful. Gosh I had wished she was mean so I could justifiably hate her. And sometimes I just wish I could sit in the corner with my Golden Girls style cheesecake and bury my feelings. Wait, that is what Lifetime Movies are for.

That's when I dried my hair, hid in my sweats, and cried to myself as I left. This guy stuff was too much. Why couldn't they like my sexy brain and creativity? It dresses in hell fire red lingerie all the time. It even comes with whips and chains. April Brucker however does not. She comes with puppets, punchlines, books, and costumes. Okay, it could still be kind of kinky but most of the time I am friend zoned unless the dude has a criminal record, drug issue, or mental health problem.

I went to get my halal food, chicken and rice. The cart has three guys working there and today the best guy was working. He prepared it perfectly. I felt better. Not pretty, not ugly, just tired after a long day in the studio. When I see that female artist I will apologize (in my mind) because now I feel like a totally jealous tool. When I see that ex crush of mine I will wish death upon him (in my mind) even though he and that ho he is cavorting with never knew how I felt. When I see Errant Hottie I will tackle him like a lioness on a fresh piece of meat (in my mind) as I work out like a well behaved health club member.

Sigh, time to do some work.
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN


  1. Hello i stumbled upon your Blog today and i enjoy reading it ( feel abit like it's creeping )

    I saw you on a show and was looking you up too see if you done out of country shows and this is how i found your blog ( which i also enjoy reading )

    I wanted to say tho you didn't like your past self i think if we were in the same school in the same country of course i probably would have wanted to get to know you i think you were very pretty back then ( and i think your beautiful with how you are now )

    IMO if i was the hottie Guy you speak of in your blog my reactions would follow accordingly....

    Scenario 1 - I wouldn't like that so much. ( and to put myself in his position ) i probably would not like it at all even for a kiss. tho i know where your coming from how kida could think when it came to this idea.

    Scenario 2 - Ohhh baby. i'm sure you would grab my attention for sure ;)

    Scenario 3 - i wouldn't be scared away from that. it's not everyday you get too meet someone in that line of work with doing Ventriloquism as well.

    i would love to hear what you would have too say on your life or on your journey to how you got to where you are today, As the not getting out much part well you are a pretty busy woman after all !

    Scenario 4 - at first i would think it's cute till your Puppet says that last part then that would make me feel low and probably would lose interest for saying such a thing

    anyways i enjoy reading your blog i would love to read more for future posts. sorry about the loss of your family member :(

    and one last thing of course.

    " I stripped and went to the sauna. People get buck naked in there. They let the world see everything. Personally, despite some of the photos I have taken I am quite shy. "

    ^^^ Oooooooo La La Miss April ;) hehe

  2. Hey just saw this now sorry. Thank you for stopping by to read my blog. You are very funny and now I know how to (almost) pick up guys. Please feel free to subscribe and tell all your friends about me xo