Wednesday, March 13, 2013

C is for Classy, R is for Revenge.

The other day I was riding a train to a gig and saw this couple. They were all over each other. The epitome of giving up is to be all over your loved on on a Metro North train headed to White Plains. Just saying. Anyway they were two Guido types just sucking face. And fat too. I wanted to gently tell them to get a room but what would be the use? They might just use the train bathroom and uck that up. After a minute or two the face sucking subsided and I could hold down the spicy halal chicken and rice I had for dinner. Maybe these two ugly people could go procreate elsewhere and then I wouldn't have to see the trial and error process that involved the making of a mutant Snooki.

Just then the girl says to her guy, "You have a big zit right there."

"Squeeze it." He grunts. Mind you, I think he learned to walk upright and speak a week ago, so he is showing off his new skill set.

So the girl follows orders and proceeds to attempt to squeeze his zit. She squeezes it a few times before announcing. "Baby, it popped."

Thank God New Haven, my stop was the next stop, seriously.

Then this morning I was up early and looked up an old flame on facebook. I had known him for a time and we hit it off. Basically he was hot for me, we hung out once, and then he ignored me after that which hurt my feelings. Then after four months of not seeing me he decides he wants to make a comeback but then I started dating the guy who would eventually become my ex fiance. And then this prick gave me the cold shoulder again. He was sort of spooky, chain smoking and had a habit of shoplifting. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, this love.

Well I saw he was no longer doing comedy. As a matter of fact he was selling used cars. To top it off since he quit drinking he picked up weight and wasn't a cute angry guy with a shaved head but rather a tubby hasbeen who was shaving his head to hide the fact he was losing his hair. Oh and he is engaged.

I saw the picture of his gal's engagement ring. He made a crack about being so broke he had to get her a ring from a discount jeweler. I would have said he was joking but unfortunately he is from a hick town so he was probably serious.

Then I saw the picture of the finace. She was a badly dyed blonde. I mean, blonde wasn't even her hair color. I have a feeling she was naturally brunette but she was that peroxide blonde with her roots showing. And her roots were showing badly. She was on the chunky side but her wardrobe had not gotten the memo. As a matter of fact she wore this tight fitting tops that my six year old cousin could have bought at Sears and then these tight shorts that there is no way she could breathe in. But her stomach was hanging out and so were her thighs. I mean, and they had some serious stretch marks. Then the makeup was even worse. It was this frosty lipstick that was smeared all over her lips like she was either blind, drunk, or blind drunk when she did her makeup. And the bikini picture stole the cake. She was posed all sexified in her mind with her fake trash press on nails and her legs spread ready for the activity she loves the most. And then I looked closer. Holy shit! Was that a C-Section Scar? God I did not want to know.

Either way I had to wash my hands after the encounter with that photo. I mean, I hang around May Wilson. I think I am immune to most STDs but she probably had a new and undiscovered one. Maybe I am judging her too harshly. I don;t know her. On the other hand, she liked Sarah Palin's page on facebook. I think I should keep judging her harshly.

Still the whole thing made me feel better. He broke my heart. He threw me out like trash. And now he had the bottom of the garbage bag.

I thought about dropping him a line about all the cool things I am doing and just brag about my book. But then I remembered he probably doesn't know how to read. I have only gotten hotter with time. Bet he wishes he was Mr. April Brucker bout now. E is for Ego, kids.

But C is for Classy or Classless, depending on where you are.

R is for Revenge.

Happy Wednesday poppy seeds

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available at 877-Buy-Book,
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available Spring 2013
Portion of Proceeds go to RAINN

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