Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Vampires, Witches, and Werewolves Oh My....

Twenty two was a crazy year for me. It was full of all sorts of adventures. Actually misadventures is a better word. Call it the punchline was April being stupid. I was downtown and getting drunk. It was me and two guys I had sort of known but didn’t but never really saw after that. I had done two good shows and they had sort of asked if I wanted to go out drinking. I said sure. In this evening doused with Jack and Coke they asked if I wanted to go to a party. I was getting drunk, it was Friday night, I had cab money. I thought, “Why not.” Sure I would have a hangover but what gave? I would have fun, right? Plus like most parties it would be sort of lame with guys who thought that they were God’s gift to women. I would entertain their BS, get drunk some more, fascinate everyone with the fact I was a ventriloquist, and then go home.

However, no amount of liquor who lubricate me enough for what was to come. We went to this club where the party was to occur. I still remember it was what was then Avalon. To give you a background Avalon was what was the former Limelight, the hang out of Michael Alig before he killed his drug dealer friend with a hammer, chopped him up, and then bragged about it. It was only after his torso washed up on the shoes of Staten Island that things began to look grim. Before the Limelight was a nightclub it was a church. The building has some crazy albeit evil history. I felt chills as I approached. This wasn’t going to be my typical party.

We got in and I was greeted by a doorman who’s teeth were filed to look like fangs. I pointed out that his teeth looked like fangs and he said that he knew and laughed. I asked him why he did such a thing and he said it was because he was a vampire. He was committed to his vampire house and that was that. I was like, “Okay.”

We walked in and we were greeted by people who had odd names like Zade and Dax. This was long before the days of Twilight. What was going on? I asked my two escorts and they informed me that this was a vampire party. They informed me that they were vampires themselves, and they told me not to talk to the vampires in red because apparently they were engaged in a vampire war. I began to panic. VAMPIRES!?!? They only existed in the movies. My escorts assured me I would be alright. They informed me my blood would not be feasted upon, but rather they were psychic vampires feeding off their energy.

I didn’t know what to say. Was this the time to mention my mother had given me holy water upon my trip to New York? I had eaten a slice of pizza doused in garlic only hours before. Just as I was pondering these quieries I saw a woman from the rival vampire house stare me down. Her hair was pitch black and her skin was white as snow, or death if you spend too much time in the morgue depending. I looked away. I didn’t know whether to be scared or to laugh.

I turned around to find my escorts but they had disappeared. Where had they gone? Now this was just getting creepy. There was a lot going on in this party in this sea of vampires. Did these people honestly believe that they were vampires? This was comedic and creepy at the same time. The guys were either handsome in that undead sort of way, or they looked like they would have been roughed up by jocks for good reason. The women were either overweight or were scantily clad, reminding me of the line, “Pagan Pleasures” from some old Bible film. This was all much too much for me. I looked around to see if I could escape. Just then the girl from the rival coven approached me. Her long black hair and vacant look in her eyes made her look like the child from The Ring.

“Want me to buy you a drink?” She asked. “Sure.” I said. I had no other friends and she seemed friendly. Plus in a setting like this you needed all the booze you could get. That’s the only way it could ever make sense.

She put her hand on my shoulder in almost a romantic gesture. Smiling she said, “I think you are very pretty.” Was she hitting on me? Was this a lesbian vampire? Where was Charles Busch when I needed him? This sounded like a story that he could only write. I went from being creeped out to being just plain confused.

I stood there speechless. Then the only thing I could blurt out was, “Jack Daniels. He’s the only man that I ever loved.” I just wanted to convey in not so many words that while she was indeed beautiful in that hang upside down in a cave sort of way, I wasn’t ready to get into a lesbian vampire relationship. That entailed a whole new unearthly level of drama. I could picture Thanksgiving and breaking the new to my mother. “Mom, I am a lesbian and my girlfriend is a vampire. She will be sleeping during the day and we will need to use the garage for her coffin.”

She nodded and left. Just then I was approached by a dorky looking guy who probably got his head beaten back in the day at school. He was dorky, underweight, and had glasses that looked like they were taped together. He was just missing his many books and pocket protector. I began to hope much like me, he was close to normal and had accidentally wandered in. I glanced around for my escorts. No where to be found. The dork introduced himself as Raphael. Then he informed me that I should not trust Britta, the woman who was buying me a drink. Raphael informed me that he was a psychic werewolf and against the rules of those in his coven he had begun a relationship with a vampire only to have his heart broken. I didn’t know what to say. Then Raphael blurted out, “She is going to give you a drink. Don’t drink it.”

I didn’t know what to say except did he honestly believe he was a werewolf? Wow. I asked Raphael why he was at a vampire party. He explained, “Vampires and werewolves are cousins. We inner marry and breed so we could be stronger.” My mouth dropped open. I definitely needed more booze for this occasion. Raphael also explained that he was afraid of Britta. Then as she approached he howled and left. Was this for real?

“I want to kiss you.” Britta said as she handed me my drink.

“Have you brushed your fangs?” I asked unsure of what to say. I had never been hit on by a lesbian vampire before. These things were important if I was going to be kissed by the vampire woman who had previously dated a werewolf, especially if this woman had been around. While I had previously dated men, I had never been seduced by a vampiress. Part of me wanted to say no, but the truth of the matter was that she was staring me down, making it hard.

"You are under my spell." She said. And I was. I could barely move. For some reason it was in part the liquor but also some unearthly energy in this place. I found myself wanting to go into the world of the Lost Boys. I wanted to tell her how much I liked men and how I had come here with two guys. But this vampire seductress was working her charms. I began to gulp.

Just then she moved in for the kill. I would have stopped her but I was so stunned that I didn’t know what to say or do. In my short life I had never been in a situation like this before. This was the strangest night of my life and somehow the alcohol was not blacking things out and making it any better. As Britta moved in to kiss me I heard a, “Not so fast bitch!”

Britta stared in alarm and I was now more surprised than ever. Standing before us was a womster dressed in black. She had to have been two hundred pounds plus. Committed to the evil chic, she was dawning black lipstick. This woman had never seen sunlight let alone a gym. There must have been a buffet in the bat cave. Maybe she was drinking her blood and dousing it with Hershey’s chocolate syrup after cooking stray rats in loads of lard.

“Another vampire? Or are you a werewolf?” I asked. It was the only question I could muster in a situation like this.

“No smartass, I am a witch. A moon witch and this right here is my girlfriend.” She seethed looking me up and down. "And I see as usual she slums it."

“What?” I asked.

The moon witch nodded. "And for your information she has really scraped bottom this time. I bet you have no magical powers." She snapped.

"The only magical power I have is the ability to stay under two hundred pounds. Something all your spell casting has failed to do." I informed her. Who was this Dungeons and Dragons reject to call me sewer material.

"Well I am going to put a spell on you to ruin your life!!!!" The witch said. Britta looked down.

"From the looks of it you are already ruining your own life with your magic. Your wardobe is abysmal, and not to mention your metabolism runs behind schedule." I told this reject. Now she was speechless. Then again, a shot of reality will do that to someone.

The witch then changed her tactics.“Look, my problem is not with you. My problem is with this cheater right here. First she can’t decide whether she likes vampires, male werewolves, female witches and now you whatever you are.” The bohemith stormed as Britta looked down. "She is toying with my emotions and I can't stand it." I bit my lip trying not to laugh. The undead had some serious drama.

I took a deep breath. “This is all too much for me. I think I need to go.” I said.

“Where are you going?” Britta asked pleadingly. “She doesn’t mean it. We have an open relationship.”

“Back into reality. I am not a vampire, a witch, or a werewolf. I have too much to do like pursue my career. You on the otherhand can frolick in La La land because if you actually believe this, God bless you. I am sure Bellvue has a bed or two ready.” I said as I ran out of the party.

When I got outside I caught a cab home. I ran up my stairs, took a shower and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I awoke to the sunlight. Touching my bed I was glad it was not a coffin. With that I jumped out of bed and joined the living.

Needless to say I was back to being a straight woman as well. While men don't want to talk about their emotions and want to watch football and scratch their crotches, a lesbian vampire and her moon witch girlfriend was too much drama for this lifetime or any netherworld.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl


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