I have just been in a weird head space. Probably because it was just the anni of my buddy's passing. It also makes me look at my own life, my own decisions, and how many people I know lost their lives to drugs. And how it is just preventable. Losing a friend to drugs changes you. I didnt used to care when people smoked weed on my block. Actually it was a change in scent from the garbage infested air. Now I just want to throw the joint in the middle of the street and scream, "IS this what you want with your life!!! This shit killed my friend!!!" Weed didnt kill my friend. He never even tried it. It was more like crystal meth and heroin speedballs did him in. Still the whole idea of drugs pisses me off now.
Lately I have felt this need to prove myself to the whole world. In comedy, you always have to work twice and thrice as hard, especially if you are a woman. Sometimes I am forced to deal with sleazes who believe I am a pair of open legs simply because I am female. When I use my voice to say something is wrong with this world, I am what is deemed a man hater. Then when I play the game, play dumb in this man's world, I am hated by other women. There is no winning. It's either Northampton chic or breast implants and someone hates you as a result. And as a woman I am wired to be a people pleaser.
This week I received a huge blow to the proverbial ego when I was chopped from a show I am a part of for being too dirty. Nevermind being front and center on the poster. They didnt clarify what they wanted me to do, but helped me shape it and said it wasnt quite there. I know it's business, not personal. Still it felt personal. It felt like a blow to my ego, yes the thing that is the reason I get out of bed and also my perpetual ruin. The thing that makes me Queen of the Mountain or the bubble gum on the bottom of some chauvanist's shoe. My ego is my amigo. Well not really. It's more like my worst enemy.
So I have been setting out to get stage time again and that is humbling. I have been working clean which I have done before. I did it when I was young. I do it with the telegrams and with kids now. I did it this summer at Coney Island on the fly. While it is a challenge it has been well received. Truth be told people only like so much of the dirty stuff. It gives me a goal when I step onstage again. I dont feel like Queen of the Mountain. I don't feel like the gum on someone's shoe. I am a comedian trying to work it out. Yes I have done some awesome things but every dog has their day at the show and mine is not at the moment. Plus it's a way to fight back against the guilt I feel for somehow still being alive while I can no longer brunch and gossip with my friend. It's a way to make him proud on the other side.
It's easier said than done. I just feel this constant need to impress people because I have never felt good enough. An old acting teacher of mine nailed it when he said, "It's because you dont feel like you are good enough." Yes I never did and still dont sometimes although it is getting better. It's tough to feel good enough in this world. We are told we are never good looking enough, never successful enough, never have enough money. Someone better and more eager is always willing to upstage us. We can be the best, but it's fleeting. It's a constant rat race on a wheel sometimes.
On the flipside being onstage again for the sake of just performing has been fulfilling. It's nice to see other people who are funny, to make new friends. When I found out who my friends were and werent when things started to go well, it was like having an ice pick in my heart. On the flipside I like to say it was God's way of cleaning house, because they were replaced by better, more positive, and more talented people. It's like when I am onstage the politics don't matter.
Being an egomaniac is exhausting. As I tell people who I think I am, I just feel this anger that makes me tired. Maybe I am entitled to certain things but are they worth fighting for?
Then I look on facebook and everyone I dislike is doing well, whether they have an impressive booking they didnt earn or got a lucrative gig while I still experience the joys of financial insecurity. I am currently being shown on a network where the owner has an island and a private jet and mansion and I dont even own a bed. From the girl who booked the impressive gig she probably slept her way to because she is a talentless slut who has nothing to offer but the pair of open legs that ruin the reputation of all women comics. To the moron who was a complete zero when I knew him that got an impressive gig that involves talent, something he doesnt have. Then there is the bitch who tries to be me at every turn that just booked a film, it's a marvel because aside from making the camera crack she can't even act; lucky it's a horror flick.
Lastly there is Kindred Spirit, who booked some film and is going to the West Coast. He probably used some woman to get that because he tried using me unsuccessfully. He stars in it with another hasbeen. With all his whoring around I can't help but get pissed that my buddy was HIV positive and this jerkoff is alive and well. But he does smoke, maybe there is lung cancer, or it is LA and there are cars. Maybe he will get run down. I don't like him, what can I say? I won't pretend to like him either. Hopefully he will meet some cheap stripper on the West Coast who supports him and then maybe I will never have to run into him again. Not that I care, I just don't want to accidentally spit on someone who so obviously uses women.
My life isn't even going that badly. That's the funny part.
This morning, I was on my run. I saw it was the Breast Cancer Walk, yes Komen who wanted to yank funding from the Planned Parenthood. I felt pissed because it was Saturday morning. They couldnt keep quiet. I was sleeping.
On the otherhand they are walking in memory of people. They understand how certain times of year can make you crazy. They understand what it's like to feel so guilty that sometimes you live for two people. They were happy because they were doing a good thing. It was refreshing.
Then I ran into a friend. We talked about how we were going through it. She's been a working actress for many years and just got screwed over on a gig. We talked about how in tarot there is the Tower, Wheel of Fortune reversal, and Death. All are unwelcome but it means a new beginning and how hell shall pass. I think the girl who obviously slept her way to that gig, well it aint gonna last. The talentless moron, well he'll get himself fired. The girl I hate, maybe the director is semi-well known but I have worked with many well known people. As for Kindred in LA, as we all know film gigs come and go and so do people you can sleep with to get work. Maybe he will catch something nasty and that will take him out of the pool for good. I am being nasty I know but it is bound to happen.
Either way, I need to get this cinder block off of my shoulder. I am getting a backache.
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl