Tuesday, October 16, 2012

White Trash Lesbian Breakup

Sunday I was in LI getting ready to perform. I had just gotten off the train to Lynhurst and was crossing the Sunrise Highway. Still early, I decided to chill out and get my routine straight in my head. Just then I saw a big, butch lesbian woman. I mean, the jeans,the wife beater despite the cold, the buzz cut, and the pants with the chains on them. She was chasing a car screaming, "YOU FUCKING CUNT. YOU FUCKING CUNT RAG! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

While part of me knew I should look away, I couldnt help but marvel at this open display of white trashiness. Her girlfriend of sorts, a woman mixed between a fat Anna Nicole and Courtney Love pre-Cobain was driving in the car. She screamed at her, "It's over! I am done with you! We are never seeing each other again."

With that she drove off. But the butch woman was not done yet. A butch woman is a hardy woman, and much like a cowboy from the old west she is not going down until all the bullets have shot her dead, especially this one. So the butch woman runs after the car as it is speeding away screaming, "I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! I GAVE YOU MY LIFE, MY FRIENDS, MY HOUSE AND THIS IS THE WAY YOU TREAT ME!!!!!"

On the side of the road I am still trying not to look. Yet I can't keep myself from laughing. However, the butch woman is like a bull and I know that if I am too loud this could be deadly. As she is running after the car, the woman driving is saying, "It's over Sheila. It's been over. You need to get over it. We can even pull into this parking lot so we can talk like adults!"

But it is not happening. The mix between a fat Anna Nicole and Courtney Love pre-Cobain pulls into the parking lot. Sheila does not want to talk. Instead, mad as hell she pounds on the hood of the car and exclaims, "YOU FUCKING CUNT! YOU BROKE MY HEART. I AM GOING TO CUT YOU UP AND BUST YOUR FUCKING FACE IN! I GAVE YOU THE FIVE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. AND NOW YOU WANT TO TURN AROUND AND DECIDE YOU LIKE MEN!!!!" And she continues pounding on the hood of the car until the trailor trash beauty that broke her heart says, "Sheila, this is why I broke up with you." As Sheila is still pounding on the car her ex pulls away and Sheila screams, "BITCH,I FUCKING HATE YOU CUNT! CUNT RAG! I WANT TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Talk about a grand finale. Poor Sheila, I almost felt bad for her. Especially when she stalked down the street and in the last closing line says, "I will never date a straight woman again." With that she entered the bakery to eat away her pain. I wanted to tell Sheila that perhaps she could do better than someone who looks like a mix between a fat Anna Nicole and Courtney Love pre-Cobain. But what would be the use? Besides, I didnt accidentally want to be become Mrs. Sheila II. You tell me that while it would be impossible you have never lived a day in my life where anything and everything is possible.

I guess the lesson is, no matter what your sexual orientation, you will always have representation in the white trash community. And also, heart break sucks no matter who you date, and deception is even more devistating, especially when your lover misrepresents themselves. Of course on the flipside, sometimes when you have had a rough week life sends you a scene like this, a reminder that you in fact are doing alright.

Love, April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl



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