Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My Mom Says the Darnest Things

Anyone who knows my mom knows she says the darnest things. Actually, my mom is pretty freaking funny. Here are some of my mom's best quotes

10. "April, when the summer comes, you need to wear shorts. Only retards wear long pants in the summer."

9. "Your brother was a planned pregnancy. You and your sister were accidents. But you and your sister were the best accidents ever because your brother is such an idiot. If I just had him and him alone, I would be spending my days banging my head against the kitchen cabinet working as a docent at the museum."

8. "This is why I am the mother and you are the child. It's because you're a moron."

7. "I mean, I don't know what your aunt sees in him. He has no job, his posture is terrible and he probably can't even get it up."(my mother proceeds to raise her pinky, wiggle it, and then lets it fall.)

6. "April, go on with all the man hate you want. Just remember, the only place that will get you is fifty pounds overweight, no makeup, and terrible shoes complaining on Capital Hill."

5. "There's a difference between men and women. When women look into the mirror, they see the truth. But when men look into the mirror they see a stud muffin no matter how ugly they are. They always think they are a lothario and have a chance. That's why the bigger the troll the harder they knock."

4. "April, I realize the guy you are dating is famous, but he is also only three years younger than your grandmother. What I am trying to say is, he might wear a diaper. Did you ever think of that?"

3. "When you go away to college, there will be boys pressuring you for sex. I could put you on the pill and talk to you about condoms but we won't do that. Instead, as that boy is kissing you, picture your mother's face peering over his shoulder going, 'Loser! Loser! Loser.' That will be all the birth control you need."

2. "Pregnancy is such a terrible thing. When I was pregnant I was just sick all the time. And you ask why someone would do this more than once. Well April, when someone gets pregnant more than once it's usually what's called an accident."

1. "April, be sure to wash your hands after you take out the garbage. Raccoons fuck on the lids of those cans."

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