Duh, Duh, Duh

A few years ago, as you all know, I almost married a man who wanted me to be dumb as shit because he was dumb as shit. My ex fiancé, who had barely graduated from high school, would lord it over me that he knew things I didn’t. Then in his own sadistic way he would say, “Just kidding,” after he was blatantly insulting and verbally abusive. It irked my ex to no end that I was smarter, more talented, and not to mention more fun to be around then he was.

My ex fiance, okay, not really but still he looked almost like that but less happy and more like a serial killer

One time we were on a road trip and someone asked me to go to a party and leave him out of it because he was such a downer. After the party I was told that I was “impossible to be around” and that his friends hated me because “I talked too much.” Meanwhile, this was because I outshined him with my vast knowledge of history. If it is one thing I am, it’s a dork. I know history, I read, and I know my presidents in order along with their first ladies. Does this do any use in the world? No. But it’s part of my fabric.

Dolley Payne Madison, remembered for being the wife of James Madison, namesake of Madison Avenue, but also a heroine in the war of 1812 when she saved George Washington's painting. A true American treasure she was. 

When my ex broke up with me, because he was so faithful by sleeping with other women when we were together, he took it upon himself to start harassing me when I began seeing other men. Full of hate, not only did he start harassing the guys I was seeing scaring them away at one point, but he took his campaign to the internet. In one blog he called me “bulemic.” Then he also called me “self centred”. After that there was the famous “alcohaulic.” Then, being the mongoloid he was my ex penned some more hateful slander about me under an assumed name, but I knew who it was because not only did his Mentally Unstable have the motive, but the author behind the nom de plume had many of the same spelling errors. Hmmm…..

For a time after that breakup, I will admit I dumbed myself down for men. But to my surprise, say what you will about the “jail birds” I dated, they actually thought it was cool I knew useless information. Actually, they were far from being dumb. Larry had tested the system so many times he could act as his own lawyer if he pleased. I could carry on a very insightful conversation with him about the law in New York versus the law in Pennsylvania because my dad is a prosecutor. Some of these guys, in between reps in jail, read. So we had some in depth discussions on George Orwell and other authors of that nature. Maybe they had been arrested a few times, but sometimes a person and the law just don’t get along all that well.

This is the face of a scholar. You just don't know it, but he can quote Shakespeare as well as the penal code because the penal code has allowed him to read Shakespeare. 

The next boyfriend boyfriend after my bad boy streak was very bright. He too was passionate about history and other things. Unlike my ex-fiance, he wanted to me show off my knowledge. He didn’t feel threatened that at some points I was more knowledgeable than he was. As a matter of fact, he was proud of me for it. Unfortunately, the relationship had other problems such as his lack of ability to tell the truth. However, sometimes I feel like I would want him back in my life, just for a minute, to have an insightful convo. Then of course I would send him on his way.

After him there was a fling with a quasi-celebrity who didn’t mind the fact I was a dork. He was sort of dorky too. But it was too much too quick, and frankly I was enjoying my freedom too much. But it seemed I was paving the way for a new era, guys who didn’t mind the fact I was a reader and liked watching documentaries. Actually, I believe we even watched two together.

Lest we not forget Dimsdale, the legend I dated. Dimsdale, who was much older, eighty I believe, liked the fact that I was up on politics and was a reader. While Dimsdale leaned to the right, the far right, and abhorred Barack Obama, we could have in depth arguments where we would counter each other and it would be in a peaceful, playful fashion. His friends remarked that they had never known a woman to do this with Dimsdale. Dimsdale told me that I was “bright and sexy as hell” once. Besides, Dimsdale had a memory that was as sharp as a tack. While he didn’t own a cellphone, Dimsdale memorized the numbers of those he liked and cared about. No wonder he was able to memorize three Broadway shows and counting. Dimsdale was amazing. But for as amazing as he was, I didn’t know how long he would be able to tolerate a woman who would someday keep up with him. Most right wingers can’t.

I didn't date Dimsdale from the Scarlet Letter  although that would have been hot. But I dated a comedy legend, once a member of clergy, who fathered a child out of wedlock and denied her only to have it explode into a messy paternity suit. But I can't blame him, this baby mama was a gold digger. More on that later. 

But then there was Holden Caulfield, my fugitive love interest, the one who was there for me in my time of need. Holden, unlike my ex-fiance, was proud of me for all the things I did. I just remember everytime I made a career advancement Holden was always brimming with pride telling people how he knew me. Everytime someone mentioned seeing me on TV Holden would mention again that he knew me and would tell them how wonderful I was. I knew he was proud of me, he never had to say. It somehow made up for my ex-fiance, always wanting to shove me in the corner, and when things were good, always wanting to take the credit. Holden had never graduated from high school, but had an attention to detail that was razor sharp. He noticed everything, and remembered everything. Maybe that’s why I loved him as much as he did. Because yes, for as pathetic as it sounds, if he applied himself he could most definitely be somewhere instead of in trouble with the law.

Yes, I loved him. Handsome as ever with his cigarette. I told my Holden to read Catcher in the Rye. I said you would like the protagonist. He told me he would, dear heart. 

I went to the facebook page of a recent somewhat beau of mine named Kindred Spirit because I missed him. Okay, I was lonely and Holden had texted me and I didn’t know what to do because I missed Holden, so I went to Kindred’s facebook page. Sure he had previously compared Biggie to Sinatra, turnoff number one. Then in a move to assert his masculine authority when I quoted Married With Children he told me he would rather me quote Neitzsche. Then I went on to quote Camus and he didn’t know who that was, only existentialism, the grandson of nihilism. What a mongoloid. To top it off he sent me a text telling me he had been thinking of me all week when it had been two weeks since he last called me…..hmmm. Then I go to his facebook page and on the weekend he claimed he wanted to hang out with me he had gone to some chicks party and she was all over his wall. BUSTED!!!!! And he had the nerve to call me crazy.

I didn’t care about that. It’s the fact he think’s he’s God’s gift to women that’s the turnoff. Especially since he is so freaking dumb and loud.

How Kindred Spirit views himself, sort of a Pauly D, Brooklyn boy and stud muffin to all the trashy ladies. 

I caved because I suppose I missed Holden and when Holden texted me I told him that I loved him and still havent heard back, so I went to the page of the dumber rebound. Then I saw he wrote a post about politics where he was trying to be deep and thoughtful. Well then I saw he spelled believe wrong. Yes, he spelled it beleive. I before e except after c but not in words like neighbor and weigh. That freaking word is a gimme. I thought about being cunty and correcting his spelling, deflating his large ego, putting this arrogant prick in his place. Instead I figured I would let his large legion of hos run after him with their smeared war paint that could melt under the right temperature. He’s rather underemployed. Therefore, he will have plenty of time to chase after them.

This is how Kindred Spirit actually appears to anyone with semi-correct vision, LOSER!!!!!!!!  I guess the best revenge is that's Monopoly money cause the bitch is broke!!!!!

Still, this made me laugh out loud. I had just dodged a large bullet. I almost had another man like my ex-fiance, unappreciative of my knowledge and wanting to silence me so I would be a servile woman. Meanwhile, I graduated from NYU and was an AP Scholar, things he could never be on his best day.

God is good. Dodged a bullet there.

Love

April

PS. I am not worried about Kindred Spirit reading my blog. I think he only learned to walk upright last week, and he is still learning the alphabet. 

May: Um April, you look like a zombie
April: Well May, it's because stupid men make me want to eat brains
May: Don't eat their brains, dump them for someone richer and more successful. That way you can drive around in a nice car while they get old with the fat women they date.