Thursday, December 20, 2012

World Ends (Britney Spears)

In May of 2011 I believe the world was supposed to end. All week I had heard this hooplah about how the sky was supposed to darken by these nuts in the subway giving out pamphlets. I was like, whatever. I didnt believe it. No one with a brain did. However plenty of brainless nuts believed it. There were people giving away their savings and worldly possessions in case of the Rapture and in case Jesus descended. In my experience not once has Jesus descended on schedule but maybe he might one of these days. He is like a celebrity in a way. He is put on the guest list but only shows up when he pleases, and has a set of psycho fans. Not bad for a hot guy in an S and M pose who is shirtless and would be a better fit for a gay club than a place of worship. It's ironic how many of his followers are anti-gay. I mean, come on.

Anyway, the day had been chirpy and sunny and I had been getting ready to do a gig in Jersey. I had to meet my ride Craig Loydgren in Staten Island. As I waited for him I saw the sky darken. Sure I had been a naysayer all week. But now the sky was starting to darken and the clouds were coming in. Maybe the world was going to end after all. Maybe we were going to experience the Rapture. I was filled with wonder and panic. Where were the Four Horsemen Jesus had spoken of in Revelations. As the sky darkened and the fear began to fill my system I heard a small child ask, "Is the world ending."

I figured maybe I should recite a childhood prayer or something just in case. I half assed a Hail Mary as the sky continued to get darker and darker and then to my chagrin NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!!! I WAS DISAPPOINTED. WHAT KIND OF APOCALYPSE WAS THIS?!?!?!!?!?? THIS SUCKED MAJOR END OF THE WORLD KIND OF ASS!!!!

Maybe it was God playing with our simple minds and it was like a movie where you think something will happen and then it doesnt. 

On our way to the show at Andy Julia's venue Craig and I joked about the world ending and how it didnt happen and how we were disappointed. While we were both moderately intelligent people who highly doubted it when the sky darkened we did wonder. So on our long trekk we called Rich Carucci. Rich is our buddy and we love him. Like us if the world did in fact end he would be destined to roast in the pits, hence his spot on the Pig Roast with Otto and George along with yours truly and May Wilson.

So we called him. Craig put me on speaker. Craig and I asked, "Rich, did you get saved?"

To which Rich replied, "Hell no, I will be telling dick jokes tonight!" And the three of us burst out laughing. The world did not end but all was right in the world. Rich was telling dick jokes, I was on my way to a gig with Craig and we were making fun of people we didnt like. 

When I got to the gig I got to meet Andy Julia and his wife. We joked about how bummed we were that the world did not end. Then I took the stage and asked everyone, "Did you think the world was going to end? If the world ended we would never have to pay rent, taxes or any sort of bills. We could screw our jobs and mouth off to our bosses because we wouldnt have to worry about getting fired. Do you think we could be that lucky? Hell no." To my surprise the audience laughed and very hard. 

I then went up the road where Craig had another gig where Pete Michaels was headlining. He had his puppet children just like I have mine. All was right with the world. It was all good. 

Do I think the world will end? Probably not. We couldn't be that lucky as I said.

A few weeks ago I was joking around with my dad who has a wicked sense of humor. I told my dad after he made a funny but evil crack about a hunched back waiter that he was going to hell. My dad replied, "Well when I get there I will be working as Satan's lawyer which means I will be running the place so you better be nice to me."

Translated, when the world ends and I go to hell which I know I ain't going to heaven, I will be well connected. 

Maybe I could even get a date with one of the Four Horsemen.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my book signing
December 27, 2012 @ 7pm
Bethel Park Library
5100W Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA 15102

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