Sunday, December 2, 2012

Unicorns in North Korea-My Weekend

There are rumors of unicorns in North Korea. News agencies are taking news of the unicorn lair seriously. I have seen plenty of things in my life. Once I saw what looked to be a pregnant tranny in Port Authority. I thought, "If this tranny is pregnant then there must be unicorns."

Okay,not really. It just helps with the story.

This weekend was a busy one. Friday night I found myself in Rye, NYC delivering a Marilyn Monroe to a rich dude. When I say rich they had a valet. The house was huge, almost like a palace. However, like many of the Westchester rich they negate the backyard. Still,there were woods. I had to wonder, do unicorns live in the woods? Is this the magical forest I have been told all my life about. I went inside and did my Marilyn Monroe for a man who was quite a character, but in a good way. He was into it. I wondered if on a night like this I would meet a unicorn?

When I left I looked back. I opened and closed my eyes hoping to see an enchanted forest.

However, there was no such luck. I went back to the train and went home. I hate having to start my day that late at night anyway. It makes me feel groggy. I got to the train platform hoping to finally see my unicorn. Westchester has woods so I had a better bet. Instead, I was greeted by three drunken Polish nannies who had a bottle of Yellow Tail that they were drinking all by themselves. They finished off some beer and vodka and because of my curly hair nicknamed me DSW.

When we got on the train they nicknamed our car the 'Psycho Car" and told the folks who couldnt handle them to "get off." One had an ipod that played bizarre Eastern European pop music. However, the backing tune didn't matter. They would burst out singing, "Sorry Miss Jackson! I am for real!!!!!!" Then the conductor, a sexy chocolate colored delicious looking gentlemen passed through and they gave him a whistle. I bet you he has never gotten that reception ever. When Katrina, Anya, and Anya found out I had a blog they wanted to be a part of it. Same as the mohawked sexy soccer player Victor. While they produced no unicorn they were a colorful diversion.

At one point Katrina climbed up on the top part of the train where one keeps their luggage. Some say it was because she was trashed and was blacked out, risking harm by male predator. I say it was because like me she was looking for a unicorn.

Nonetheless,I would never find out. The following day was a day where I ran around like McCray Cray. It began where I was Wonder Woman for a woman's fiftieth birthday. The question is, did Wonder Woman ever ride a unicorn?

I would never get the answer because a few minutes later my boss's assistant called me and told me I had to deliver an I Love You/I'm Sorry heart downtown to some woman from a mysterious sender. While a singing and dancing heart is nice, I bet you the girl would have felt better had her lover sprung for a unicorn. I know, their existence is up for question. But rest assured I was on the hunt incognito in my heart costume.

Needless to say no unicorns were found despite my disguise. I was then put on phone duty, which means yes, I got a promotion at work. Yes it means more money. It also means more responsibility. It also means running home and hoping the phone rings so I get to make money but also not enough to drive me crazy. Nevermind ring a lot but dont drive me crazy. Just ring so I make lots of money. Either way, while phone duty and booking work is good it means less time to go unicorn hunting.

I know, this work and bills distracts me from my real goal. My boss wouldn't understand. Then again, many employers would not.

My last stop of the night was doing a Marilyn Monroe in the Upper-Bronx, Lower Westchest area. The family was nice and they gave me a fifty dollar tip. One young woman recognized me from Glenn Miller's Shows. No I am not talking the big band man. I am talking Satan's Comic, frequent opener to Otto and George. Maybe he would have a lead on a unicorn. Either way, it was McAwesome when she asked, "Where's May?"

I thought about it. Satan's Comic would not have a unicorn lead but rather a dirty unicorn joke. It would be the laugh I needed but not the lead.

I thought about it. Maybe I should bring May Wilson on the unicorn hunt. She might have some leads.

The North Korean Disney Dictator would never suspect her of being a spy.They would unsuspectingly lead us to the unicorn lair and we would ride off into the sunset. However, my dreams began to die and fade as I felt myself get tired.

I ended up getting a five dollar psychic reading from a very nice woman who told me I was unlucky in love and had to let go of my past. She offered me a crystal cleaning. She said it would help me feel better. That psychic that got decked said the same thing to Lindsay Lohan. I dont think LiLo needed the cleansing to heal her. I think like all little girls she needs a unicorn.Then again, she does enough substances where she probably thinks she has seen a unicorn a few times so maybe that is close enough.

Instead I went home, texted my boss a few times about possible phone duty today, and went to sleep. The whole night I only dreamed of one thing, the one thing my daddy never got me. Yes,my father gave me food, clothing, and shelter. Yes, my father paid for my skating and gymnastics lessons. Yes,my father paid for the first puppet I got (and other family members still curse him). Yes, my father got me a hermit crab. Yes, he even paid for my college education. But damnit Daddy, all I ever wanted was a unicorn!!!!!!!

Maybe my next boyfriend can steal me one.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my book signing
December 27,2012
Bethel Park Library
5100 West Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA

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