Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Case For Santa-Con

It is Santa-Con today here in Manhattan. That means you see Santas of all walks of life. Everyone wants festive egg nog and holiday cheer. I even saw a Jewish Santa I believe. In that mix there are slutty girls who are masquerading as elves and then there is the sexy Mrs. Claus. I can deal with a black or gay Santa but a sexy Mrs. Claus, hells no. Mrs. Claus is supposed to be plump. She is supposed to be like my grandmother. A sexy Mrs. Claus is like a tolerant Glenn Beck. It just doesnt make sense in our world.

Santa-Con is one of those things that starts cute but very quickly becomes messy, very messy. I was walking to brunch with some friends and a girl dressed as an elf was crying bemoaning her man problems. She said, "I can't believe he did that." Did she mean she caught Santa kissing Mommy under the mistletoe last night?

Then on my way to my house I saw two men dressed as elves running into traffic. They were black out drunk and a car was speeding behind them. These two geniuses were trying to outrace the car and were strong candidates for a Darwin Award. I very quickly made my way to my house. There was no way I was watching these two men become elf meat. Then there were Santas getting into drunken fist fights because one Santa called another Santa's Mrs. Claus a whore. An ambulance came and both St. Nick's were booked on disorderly conduct. It looks like they will be getting coal for Christmas.

As I tried to avoid the chaos I thought of this time of year. Yes, all the decorations are so cheery but at the same time it is so damn depressing. There are lots of presents and no money to spend them it seems. Then there is family, while we all love them the holidays have the tendency to put miracle grow on everyone's character defects. In that mix, there is a lot of death this time of year. There is suicides because everything is so depressing. I understand that. When I hear "Silent Night" I want to deck someone sometimes and then slit my wrist afterwards. That is my least favorite Christmas Carol.

And then you start to focus on your life and what you don't have. Recently I got a promotion at work which is good but have been going through some strife on a project. Not so good. Can't go into it now but you know what I mean.

But then I look at the scope of the rest of the world. There is the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary, a reminder that mental illness is to be taken seriously and perhaps we use crazy as a punchline all too often or as a crude put down for what we cannot understand. It is a thought that we need laws prohibiting people with a history of violence from getting fire arms. It is a reminder that we have to learn about gun safety. It is a reminder that at the end of the day, no matter how much our children might give us headaches, they are a gift from God and we must be grateful that they come home from school and get up in the morning. It is a reminder that children are the most innocent of all creatures and measures no matter how big must be done to protect them.

A month ago Hurricane Sandy struck my city and there are people who will be without homes this Christmas. There are children who will be without toys. There are people who wonder what they are doing as a natural disaster wiped out everything they ever worked for. They will pray for a God that they dont understand and ask why?

So as I see the drunken Santas and their slutty elves and the sexy Mrs. Claus's crawl the bars I will laugh. As I see the kids all trying to dress like Ralphie from A Christmas Story partnered by their female companions dressed as the leg lamp I will give them a high five. If I see two Santa's in a fist fight drunk I will laugh. As I see some drunken male elves playing in traffic I will also laugh and pray to God that they don't get hurt.

But Santa-Con is a reminder that the holidays are about joy. It is about not just giving and receiving, but smiling. It is about shaking off the bad things of the past year and the stress of work as we celebrate the good. It is about laughing and smiling. It is about partying.

As for Santa-Con, I'll allow it.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Come to my signing
12-27-12 @ 7pm
Bethel PArk Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA

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