Monday, December 24, 2012

My Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: It Happened to Me

As written by Eve Warden and told to April Brucker

It was Christmas Eve and my dear sweet grandmother was walking home from our house. Actually she wasn't dear and sweet. She was a bit of a bitch. She told us that we were all destined to hell and my dad said she used to beat him with a metal pipe and refused him medical care when he was sick because it saved money. But for the sake of the song we made her a dear sweet woman.

Anyway, she used to fake being handicapped but she would walk when it got her things. Well this Christmas Eve it got her run over. My grandmother was actually headed home from the bar where she was hitting on an old sailor and telling him that she was a widow (my grandfather jumped out a window. He said a divorce was too stressful). Anyway while she was there a local drunk claims a man named Kris Kringle was getting rather trashed on some egg nogg and other holiday cheer and joked about getting behind the wheel of a sleigh. No one believed him about being Santa. They assumed he was like every other drunk in the bar: fat, unemployed and with a tall tale to tell. But this drunk stood out, he had all of his teeth.

My grandmother hit on him. After all, he did have all his teeth. The man apparently spoke about his wife. And then he said he had some ungrateful workers named Elves who were unionizing, and PETA was cracking down on him for his treatment of the reindeer.

Well my grandmother left the place. And staggered home drunk. Santa was drunk and wanted her number because apparently he couldn't stand his wife. Well he was in his sleigh and apparently was the real thing. But because he was drunk he couldn't quite drive clearly and ran over my grandmother!!!!

She was lying in the road dead as a door nail. It was Comet that killed her. Yes, the assweed that left Rudolph out of the Reindeer Games. But no charges were pressed because no one knows whether Santa is real or not, despite the fact that they won in court in Miracle on 34th St.

But I believe in Santa.

While he had too much to drink and killed my grandmother, she was a real bitch and was hardly missed. Not to mention we made a killing on a hit song. No pun intended.

Cause my grandma got run over by a reindeer

(Note: April's grandmother's are lovely. One traveled the world, and the other is currently on page 195 of her book I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl available on Amazon)


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