Thursday, December 6, 2012

Single and Proud

My name is April and this is my blog.

I live in New York City with my ten puppet children.

I perform comedy, write books, and get on TV.

I tell you this because I am an insecure career woman.

Okay, not insecure but independent. I don't have a man to fix the things around my house. I don't have a man to wear on me like a mink coat. I'm all alone, and it's actually not all that bad. To give you a run down in adolescence I was not allowed to date. In middle school I was teased and bullied because my parents wouldn't let me talk to boys. Guys would ask me if I was a lesbian. And then they would throw things at me. I think this is why I have always stuck up for gay people when they have been bashed or bullied. While I have never been gay and have never come out, I can only imagine how hellacious such a thing must be when a person endures that torment all the time. Finally one day this mouth breathing moron asked me why I didn't like dick. I told him if it were me, him, and a woman on a desert island I would pick the lady. And it's not because I didn't like dick, I just didnt want his dick and if given the choice I would go with anything else. This shut him up and he left me alone after that. Looking back, my parents had the right idea. I went to NYU and have a career. That moron is now pumping my gas.

High school was a little different. The first two years sucked. I worked at the local television station, was involved in theatre, did ventriloquism, was involved in the literary magazine and wrote in the youth section for the local paper. Guys werent even on my mind. Many of my friends were guys and that made me laugh. But other than that there was no time for love. However, junior year I lost a bunch of weight and was nominated for Homecoming Court. While I didn't win guys paid attention and I liked it. Still, I was like, "WAH?"

My first year of college I was determined to find my future husband. A lot of the Jewish girls I went to school with were there to get their Mrs and were minoring in business to do so. I had never had a boyfriend and wanted one badly, but guys didnt seem to want me. Some would get my number and never call me. We went out once and I never heard again. Or sometimes they would assume I was oh so experienced. One time a guy invited me to his room to watch TV. We weren't watching TV. He wanted to have sex. I immediately freaked out and ran out of there. He was even more confused than I was. We actually ended up being great friends later on, but wow. Apparently watch TV was code for let's hook up.

At the end of college I found myself very confused. Everyone around me was slutty or a prude. I wasn't a slut and most certainly wasn't stuck up like many of the good girls. This left me very unhappy. I ended up at an open mic where this wannabe rockstar tried to pick me up. It turned out I was in head over my heels there too. The wannabe rockstar informed me that if I slept with him I could tell everyone we had a hot night before he became a star. Needless to say, he later gave up music and I am the one becoming the star.

And then there was the poser who had me walk him home in the rain only to ditch me after I got soaked. He was a stud muffin and upper class star, I was a no one barely making it with a mopette look who wanted to be Mae West. Years later as the tables have turned I think he is bitter about what happened, and now twists the tale that I stalked him for several blocks in order to soak his fifteen minutes of fame on gossip sites. None of it is true, but it makes him feel better about the fact that he acted like a jerk and has no career now.

Sophomore year I got my heart broken by a much older guy and we went back and fourth until eventually I saw he wasn't worth it. At the beginning of my junior year I met the guy who would become my ex-fiance. The whole relationship  was a complete disaster and ended badly. I don't want to get into it but I have a different mailing address. After that was a list of losers so impressive I should be in Ripley's Believe it or Not. Some of these guys were probably subhuman and that is generous. I just didn't want to be this confused mess I was in my teen years. Someone told me being alone wasn't so bad. But she was ugly and I didnt want to believe her.

A little while later I dated a millionaire who was cheap as hell and said I would never make it as a ventriloquist. The hypocrite comes back everytime I am on national television to congratulate me.

After that I dated a lawyer/liar for a bit. That didn't end well.

I dated a dude who was too clingy.

I dated a model.

I dated a little bitch who cried like a woman and made me question why I didn't just become a lesbian. This dude had as many feelings as a woman but couldn't fix anything, I had to do the handy work.

Around the time I was twenty five I had an encounter with a celebrity hairdresser who told me that if I put the energy I put into dating losers into my career I would be a star. He was right. So I stopped dating losers and dating for the most part for a while and it has paid off.

These days I am single. I hear women whining about how if they don't have a husband by a certain point they have failed. My Aunt Diane said it best, "You don't need a man. I always tell my kids anyone can be married."

These women who don't want to be alone and think marriage is a measuring stick often will settle for anyone. I had the engagement. I had the rich man. I dated celebrities. At the end of the day a man is a man is a man. While it is wonderful to have someone special, it is not the end of the world if you don't. It doesn't mean you are a failure if you don't. Actually, it's like not having a certain pair of shoes. In the scheme of things it means nothing.

I actually enjoy life as a single person. Do I get lonely? Don't we all. But then I see my friends in relationships struggle with a partner who sometimes doesn't understand and think, "Do I really want that?"

And then I realize I have my freedom to do what I want. I don't want anyone. I am fine on my own. Maybe I am more Annie Oakley than Cinderella but damnit I am independent. I like my life. Having been on TV a few times I have men who have sent me emails telling me how beautiful I am and some have proposed. Others have come up to me in person bought me dinner and presents. I think it is adorable.

At the end of the day though, man or no man, I just have myself and I am okay with that person. I can do what I want when I want without having to answer to anyone.

I love my life. I am independent, successful, forward thinking, and career minded.

I had a man make me choose between him and the puppets and I told him buh-bye!

I am all by myself. I have my friends, family, and fans. I am not lonely. I am alone. And I am alright with that.

I am single, proud, and loving my life.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Come to my book signing
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA 15102

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