Thursday, April 10, 2014

Just a Friend (Biz Markie)

It all begins when you have a crush on a dude, and they totally mac back. Or are they macking back? It is never quite known. Sometimes I miss the signals, sometimes they miss them too. Either way, when they turn out to be a missed connection and then you are friend zoned it is a bizarre world. Yeah.

I remember my first dalliance into this was when I was in high school. This dude and I were enemies, and then we had an English class and became friends. Then I discovered I had a crush on him. I was totally hitting on him, and then one day he decided he didn't want to sit next to me anymore. Later on VDay he brought flowers to my other friend which totally crushed me. But I survived. They were a better couple than we were. While they didn't last, we remained friends. He has even seen me perform a few times here in NYC. We joke about my high school crush, and it is for the best we became friends. We would have made a lousy couple.

My senior year I did the strange dance with Bobby Parker. He was the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, I hadn't yet discovered what bad decisions were. People wondered what our connection was, and he beat up anyone who said anything bad about me. He had a girlfriend opposite town over who knew about me and wasn't very happy. We never met though, but she was probably a redneck like every chick in that school. Anyway, we did this bizarre flirtation and then I went away to college. Yeah, he broke my heart. But then he got deep into drugs and really wrecked his life. Then he got clean, found God, and annoys the shit out of everyone. As a bonus, he married a girl he met in rehab and now they own and operate a Christian tattoo parlor. Okay, it was better that one didn't work out. And when we see each other we are friends. I thank God he isn't my husband.

College saw the same exact thing. First semester freshmen year, I met an upperclassman transfer I totally dug. I drunk dialed him and said I loved him because I was just loaded. He never spoke to me again. My RA explained he was just trying to protect his penis because I had appeared Lorena Bobbit crazy. Well he showed up to summer session with a new girlfriend and pretended we were all just friends. I was willing to pretend too. It was awkward if I didn't. Well now when we see each other, we are friends. I think he is still kinda scared of me though. In the end, it was better that didn't work out too.

Another dude I became just friends with was one I met after college. We both did comedy and all. I liked him, he liked me, and we kind of just went back and fourth. Nothing ever happened. Then he met his now wife and it was all over. He doesn't perform as much, and has a kid. We are the best of friends, and his wife is a doll. I wish him nothing but the best, and in the end as I have said before, we would have been a terrible match. Hey, a friend who loves you is better than an ex who hates your guts. Trust me, I know.

Then there are those who aren't happy about just being friends. One is an ex of mine who didn't want to be my boyfriend but wanted all the fringe benefits. So when I found someone who did want to be with me, he began to try to win me back at a furious speed. He later married a good friend of mine who decided she hated me after they became engaged. Then he messaged me on his wedding day which was crazy. We worked on a few projects together, and we always were a good team. But his wife hates me as I said. A few months ago, my life was going well and his was in the shitter. He made a scene when I said he was an old friend. Hey, he could have been Mr. April Brucker but he screwed that one up.

Another is a friend of mine from back when I connected with. His relationship was on the rocks. I was single. Things got crazy cause we spent waaaayyyyy too much time together. He got crazyyyyyy possessive over me. I wish things worked out between us, but I didn't want to mess up the friendship we had. He likes me and I like him. As I have said he was a Mac Daddy back in the day, and he is surrounded by way too many sexy women. Still, he got weird when I called him an old friend once. Complicated much?

And then things got even crazier with another flirtation last winter spring. He was a Dominican dude, so not my type. At first I thought he reminded me of a dude who broke my heart. But we clicked. However he was a game player as Spanish dudes tend to be. Things got complicated and bizarre whenever we saw each other without anything actually happening. I just got annoyed with his games and put an end to it. I know he still wants me but I am over him like the Brooklyn Bridge over water. If he wants to be an adult he can find me. But Spanish guys suck at that as I said. Then again, all guys suck at that.....Oops.

I just had a dude who I had a flirtation with that has turned into just a friend. I feel hurt and disappointed but I don't do games. He plays games and I am sooooooo not into that. I still do find him dead sexy though, but the games spoil everything. Then he had a snit fit when I didn't run after him. Do yourself a favor chico and buy a life at the dollar store. Still, I enjoy his company, think he's funny, and we have common interests. I think he is gonna be just a friend. Yeah, I can totally do better.

Now off to tend to my career, my first and only true love. Hopefully it won't disappoint me like the men I date.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Come see me April 22nd @ 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 W. 22nd st. 

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