Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Baby Love (Regina)

It is spring again and the birds are out. It means love is in the air, kind of. The creepy men are out and about. I had a few strangers whistle at me from their trucks. I always get mixed feelings about this. One third of me, the feminist, is turned off. I want to tell them about my NYU degree, not that the piece of paper makes me much money. The other part of me is insecure, the fat girl who was asked out as a joke, and is scared by the male attention. The third part of me is enthralled, intrigued, and wants to jump in the front seat of the truck.

The guys across the street from me play a mean game of B-Ball. Usually they are mixed in age. Some of the young guys look older from far away. Much of me fears mistaking the young for old and treading on dangerous legal territory. A former high school classmate of mine is on a sex offender registry for distributing kiddie porn. I don't want to join him for thinking a 15 year old was 21. Not that the 15 year old will mind. Still, me paying at McDonalds. I want him to disappoint me and be of legal age, thank you very much.

There is a part of me aching for a guy. It is strange because it has been forever and a day since I had one. I also like to have a fling that begins in spring. My Tony Manero was the last fling I had in the spring. He was two years ago. I remember the whole thing started out so good. I really liked him and he really liked me. Then I found out the hasbeen was using me to revive his flagging career. It really hurt when I found out. My mother tells me I should be flattered. Meanwhile, it hurt. I have been abused and misled enough in matters of the heart. I have blogged enough about it for people to know. I didn't deserve the using that he did. I hope he chokes everytime he plays an old person resort, or knows I am climbing to new heights.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't know how to talk to a guy. I watch the guys in the court across the street from me, and wave shyly. They think I am some weirdo in jeans and a ball cap, and probably are discussing a plan of action because they think I am armed and dangerous like the Lifetime Movies I watch. My mom keeps trying to get me to join EHarmony. I am not sure I am ready to die just yet. She also tried to get me to hit on a husky man in an elevator. Is this what my life has sunk to?

There are several hot guys I have my eyes on. One goes to my church. He always goes to the mass after mine. Always with his family, too. I don't think he knows I am alive. And if he does, he probably thinks I look like a drip. It has been cold so I am not especially dressy for church. Still, he is cute. Is it wrong to check out men is church? It's sinning, not winning.

Then another is a friend of mine. Things got crazy between us a year ago. He has a girlfriend he is always on the rocks with. Plus he is a Cancer. Both the already committed and crab say run. But things got gray in a way neither one of us were prepared for. Plus he was a Mac Daddy back in the day. I was rather shy, actually. However, since then I had one ex go nuts over me, and one ex's wife go cukoo for coca puffs. Can there be two Mac Daddy's under one roof?

The third is a fella on the West Coast. I didn't like him when we met. Actually, I thought he was a prick.But like fungus he grew on me. I actually hope to see him again. I dream about him being a better kisser than both the guy at church and my friend.

The fourth is someone I chat with quite a bit. He knows who he is. This chico is a mover, shaker, and a dancer. I don't know if he likes me like that or as just a friend. Plus he is kind of a ladies man. Still, he is a McCutie. Plus a lot of the girls like him and the competition is weird. They have good things I don't, like they go for it.

Either way, my super Spooky Juice is not giving up just yet. He gave me some money to buy a leather dress and gave me a suitcase. He gives me a kiss every time he sees me. Spooky reminded me this is our month. He also remembers the first outfit he saw me in. Spooky reads my blog quite a bit.

Then again, so does the crazy concubine of my ex who hates my guts and probably has a voodoo doll of me. She was actually off my case for a few months because apparently she was getting professional help. But I guess that failed like her whole life. Last Sunday she called me 16 times and hung up. At this point in my life I don't get annoyed. I don't get angry because God already hates her. Instead I gently ask, "Shouldn't George be sexually disappointing you on his beautiful Sunday?"

She has scaled back, only calling me 3-4 times under her blocked number. Maybe she is beginning to admit it to herself. She wants me. She wants to lick me and suck me like a chocolate Cadberry Easter Egg. I know I am sexy, Baby. Hey, if it were between me and this ex, I would want to go to bed with me too. Can't blame the girl. Still, she should ask me out on a proper date instead of being creepy. Oh, she is acting like some of the men who send me fan mail. (Note: Most are good. But there was one dude who mentioned seeing me on Netflix and undressing me with his eyes. Thank God for a PO Box).

Or better yet, maybe she should feed her cat who is probably forced to forage for itself. Or walk some dogs or something cause that is what she does in between drug binges. Better yet, practice with her band that no one goes to see. Yeah, so if you are gonna ask me out baby do it. But don't come dressed like me. And don't come with the blood red hair. Both are weird.

Yeah, my life is high drama. Either an ex is stalking me or an ex's bitch is stalking me because he lets the retard out of her cage. Can't I get a normal boyfriend? In the words of the mother in As Good As It Gets, "Honey, there is no such thing."

So now I think of it. I have had a fiance and that failed. Then I had a boyfriend who was a lawyer who turned out to be a liar. After him I had an almost boyfriend who was waaaayyyy too clingy but worked for a famous dude. After him, I had a friend who wanted more and just wouldn't stop and that ended our friendship. Oh, and then I had Holden who I am kinda sorta still in love with. After him was Tony. And now I don't know.

Men are like dogs. They slobber, drool, and you have to bathe them. They also demand constant attention. I have a DVD taping in less than two weeks. I have shit to do.

On the other hand, most of my fans are male. They enjoy my sexy pics. Did I mention I love guys?

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Come see me April 22nd @ 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 W. 22nd st. 

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