When your career starts to take off, it is really exciting. I know because I am experiencing it now. Several times a week I am in front of a camera for ITTV. I have a taping for one project, a location scouting appointment for another, and of course a conference call for a third. Of course in there my audiobook is now ready for release and there is a musical to be written. Oh and I have a book signing I am currently scheduling in my hometown. Then there is something I am doing where I have to call on West Coast Time. If this were an oven, it would be hot. So needless to say at the end of a lot of days I am tired.
Last week I was feeling crunched. When I feel crunched I start snapping at people. From the fat woman who doesn't walk fast enough to to the idiot with the baby carriage to the gaggle of kids talking too loud on the train I want to scream. Of course I then want to throw my damn phone because suddenly it seems everyone is in cahoots to shorten my lifespan. Then there is the snapping on the phone to my mother where I seem to hate everyone. After that there is the people pleaser where I apologize to the point of masochism, and the psychotic overachiever who says "yes" to everything. Then I wonder why I feel like I am drowning.
The other day I was talking to an old friend of mine and talked about life then and now. Despite the craziness my life has become as of late, I realized something. When I was younger, hitting the mics and hoping every day and night things would start to happen, things are finally happening. I used to look at people who had big projects on the burner and would say to myself, "Someday, that is going to be me." Well guess what, it is finally me. I would pass newsstands and see magazines hoping to be in them someday. Well I was in the TV Guide already, and whenever I pass a magazine stand I see someone I have worked with or know. The other day I was in a cab and on taxi TV was Jane Pratt. I was on xoJane. Then I saw Arianna Huffington on the front of the Learning Annex. I have written for the Huffington Post!!!!! And then I walked past The Today Show and saw the people. I was on there. As a kid I was an on camera host in Pittsburgh, now I am doing that in NYC. I also wrote articles and won writing awards, now my book is available. Maybe I wasn't at the VMAs but Britney Spears plugged my book. My book was also on the shelf next to Juno Diaz who won a MacArthur Award and Ophira Eisenberg who just sold a film. I can do these things too.
I used to dream of these things all the time. They seemed like they would never happen. And now they are finally happening. I am turning into that person, that "star" if you will that I have always wanted to be.
The other day I answered fifty fan letters I never realized I got. At first I cried about disappointing my fans, now I realize I am grateful and blessed to have them. As a kid, I used to dream about the concept of fans from everywhere. Now it is starting to happen. This is awesome. Sunday I woke up to two fan letters. I am on TV a bunch in Europe.
Yes, my work schedule is heating up. But on the flipside, I really work for some wonderful people who believe in me and have my back. Not only are they bosses, but they are friends. That is why for as crazy as they make me sometimes, I know they do it because they want to see my best work and want me to use my full potential. That is why not only don't I mind breaking my back for them, but it is an honor and a pleasure. Not to mention they value me not only as an employee but as a person.
Yes, my mother is currently coordinating my book signing. Yes, she calls me in the morning when only God is probably up. But she is the best press person ever. My mom doesn't sleep and I am blessed to have her. End of story.
Of course there is my assistant Masimo (Yes I have an assistant). While I am getting used to this, he is always on it. I hadn't called him this week because the annoying feminist part of me is used to doing things on her own. He called yesterday and asked, "Are you okay?"
My boss at ITTV told me that I couldn't slack off on facebook. My fans needed me.
My boss at the singing telegram company told me I had to stop apologizing.
My mother told me to start taking my vitamins.
The other day I got a letter from a young woman who wants to be an actress. She told me how I inspired her to follow her dreams and how she looks up to me. I remember this letter came in the fifty I didn't know I had. I also got another fan letter from a young woman who was bullied. Another who had escaped an abusive boyfriend.
I remember having those dreams, growing up. Everyone told me they were foolish. I used to watch the television, knowing those people started foolish dreams too. I read about those fools as well.
I was that overweight, bullied kid who didn't have a TV. Now I have been on many of the channels I could not watch growing up. While I am not where I want to be quite yet, if I keep moving and grooving I will get there.
I dated that psycho who tried to get me to abandon my hopes and dreams. Not only did I dump him but found myself again.
Kids look up to me now. It's my responsibility to show them it's going to be okay. It's my responsibility to let them know that you should reach for the stars and settle for nothing less. It's my responsibility to let them know that for as crazy as life gets, it does get better.
No matter how tired I feel, no matter how overwhelmed I get....
It's my responsibility to remain positive.
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl