Sunday, August 18, 2013

Top of the World (The Carpenters)

Sometimes it feels that it is you against the world, like Sysifus rolling the boulder up the hill. It never makes any sense how it happens. I think women have this feeling more than men, although men have it too. For women, it's that we take on too much while we are never enough. At least that is my experience. For me my career is everything. Maybe I place too much importance on something so material. When I wake up in the morning I am on.

This past week I was having a meltdown. I am a personality who has to be in control. Even when I don't want to be I find myself in charge somehow. Some of it is because I am "bright." Some of it is because I am hardworking. As an artist, I am more apt to create my own work anyway. I have been told when I "make it" my career will be on my own terms. This is true. So far it has been. I work very well independently. Some of it is being a middle child. Some of it is being a woman with half a brain in a jungle of sexist male nitwits. Some of it is being this same woman and having no support from my own and being forced to stand on my own. With this independence always comes a feeling of anxious apartness and terminal uniqueness, like I am the only one with my issues and will never fit in.

Tuesday was a rough day. I am currently working on a project with someone that has a personal life, something totally alien and foreign to me. I have my friends but no lover. Anyway, we got into one of the many text wars we had this week over the fact this person's decision to marry someone lovely is getting in the way of a mutual project goal we have. I was speaking to my mom about the crunch I felt. That is when my mom said something wonderful. She said, "Well isn't it nice not to have to work alone?" As we were speaking I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. My mom had a point. While my partner shortens my life span from time to time it could be worse. He makes up for the things I lack. In contrast to the fact I get so fired up I could blow a gasket, he is very live and let live. While he tells me to chill quite a bit which I hate with a passion, it is nice to know that I don't have to make important decisions by myself.

As I felt overworked to the max and panicked because these days I have an assistant and don't know what to do with it, there was a terminal uniqueness that came over me. Not to mention I felt like no rising star ever had my issues and no one ever felt overwhelmed in their creative endeavors. This week I ended up seeing a fellow I knew who was a composer who's musical opened in London. He knows exactly how I feel. He is a reference point in case I need support. We connected because he is open to talk as my friend if I need one. He gets it. Another man I knew in passing was walking back from the close of his Broadway show. He too knows how I feel. Both could identify with wanting to have full control all the time and no one else understanding them at points when it came to their art. Other friends who might not be creative identified with the feelings I had. I am not terminally unique after all. I don't have some growth on my head. Sometimes I just feel like it though.

Of course there was the mean girl issue I had. Sometimes that can make me feel so isolated especially because this individual is so tiring. Needless to say my friends were wonderful. Some of them had suggestions on how to block blocked numbers on my phone. Some of them had experience to share with someone similar. Some had feedback on how not to upset myself and to keep myself safe from an alcoholic, drug addicted stalker. Some even told me to shut the hell up about it.

The beautiful thing about friends and connections is that they remind you that it's not that serious. Even those you meet on the sidewalk. As I was stewing at the world as a whole this week I saw a little girl run by in a Wonder Woman outfit. Suddenly it took me out of the zone where I was tired, angered that people didn't act the way they should, and no one appreciated me. I gave the small girl a high five and we had a laugh. How can you be angry when you see a two year old Wonder Woman? Answer, you can't.

How can you be angry when you see a friend zip by on a City Bike as she is on her way to work? And how can you be angry when you see a picture of her little girl in some play on facebook as she is dancing with another friend. Answer: You can't.

How can you be angry when you see your friend on the way to work and you two shoot the breeze about life? How can you stay in your head where it is dark and lonely?Answer: You can't.

How can you be angry when you go to kickboxing, bust a few punches on a bag, and burst out laughing at the big clownish man in the class? Answer: You can't.

For as big and wide spread as the city is, I know at any given time I can walk down the street and see a friend or make a new one. With any bad day, I can press restart. I can laugh with people who can enjoy my Beyonce moments cause they supported me when I was Lindsay Lohan. Translated: I am not alone unless I have to be.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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