Hit Me Baby One More Time (Britney Spears)

Yesterday I was feeling down in the dumps. Some bitch, that is the only word to describe this thing that I hate, was getting me down. She is the type that is only your friend when you need something. I don't trust her and can see her for what she is, a phony two faced whiner. Once during an art opening Ms. Thing shows up. Well she finds out I make my living primarily from my art and suddenly wants to be my best friend and know all the details. Of course she is the type who only cozies up to people who she feels can help her. I mean, she has some talent but overall I think she's a whiner and that rules out anything that could be even remotely likable about this thing.

Some friends were updating me about her and her stupid blog where she whines about her minority status. Don't get me wrong, discrimination is real. But she blames all her problems on her race. It couldn't be that she is an annoying whiner. It couldn't be that she shoves the fact she is this particular ethnicity down everyone's throat. It couldn't be that she's her annoying self. They said she was performing a lot, was writing for a highly trafficked blog, and had some TV auditions. YUCK! Make me slit my wrists. While I am not doing badly there is something about someone that you dislike doing well that makes you want to jump into traffic on a nice early fall day.

I got home and felt like crying myself to sleep. Nevermind that I have a fucking book out. Nevermind that I had two fans who flew into town and wanted to meet me. Never fucking mind that I have been on TV how many damn times with my little puppet children. Why did I feel like dog shit on a stick? I googled Gangus Cunt to see her in action. YUCK! I hate her writing style, it is shallow and stupid just like she is. Not to mention all she does is whine. Still, she has yet to write a book. If she does it will be one hundred something pages of her bitching and moaning about how she can't do anything and has so much to do and people don't like her because of her minority status and blah blah blah hope you die. Then the last page will be a phony dedication to the mother she hates and the boyfriend who probably wishes he was sleeping with someone else.

On top of that, I had delivered a telegram to a car dealership that morning and was tired. Then of course the universe hits me with another blow. Kindred Spirit, fling who tried to use me to further his career, got cast in a movie with some legend. But then again this legend is washed up on the shores of Lake Hasbeen too. Still, he was happy which ruined my day even more. Part of me wondered who he slept with to get this advancement. Either way I found myself praying he got lung cancer for trying to use me. After all, he smokes enough. Maybe he can jump into traffic with Gangus Cunt. It would be a red letter day. Or maybe he slept with her and the film is about their incessant whining.

Just then, I see an alert or whatever they call them on facebook. Nicky Paris has posted on my page. Yes, my Mr. Twitter. Nicky posts that he went on Britney Spears website and saw me. At first I thought my Mr.Twitter had been hacked and he was spamming me. It has happened before. I was scared to click on the link and lose all my followers. Then I thought maybe I am. When you start to be slightly visible you op up all over.

Just then I typed, "Nicky, you know I am a meglomaniac. You better not be spamming me. Where am I on there if I am on there?" Just then someone typed that my book was being sold on there. I clicked to enlarge. HOLY SHIT! THE AMAZON ADVERTISEMENT FOR MY BOOK WAS A SIDEBAR ON THE BRITNEY SPEARS OFFICIAL WEBSITE. YES I AM TALKING THE ONE WITH A FEW MILLION VISITORS EVERYDAY AND HERE I WAS MYSTERIOUSLY SOLD OUT AND WHAM WOWSA!!!!!!

Suddenly my mood shifted. Now I was dancing on the ceiling. Gangus Cunt could have her stupid, meaningless blog and her simple TV auditions. Kindred Spirit could have his stupid movie that no one was probably going to see anyway. I on the otherhand was on the sidebar of Britney's website. Yes, the Britney website. In the words of my friend Michael Musto, "She is the Elizabeth Taylor of our time. She will always be relevant."

Needless to say I am awesome. For the first time in a long time I wanted to get out my Catholic School Girl outfit and skip down the block. After a singing telegram I met Big A, Dave Otto and his brother. It was fun. Dave bought a book and gave an extra donation. More of that later.

Either way, I have to say, when I told the universe as I cried, "Please give me a sign....."

It responded, "Hit me baby one more time."

Love, April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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