Sunday, September 2, 2012

Mad as Can

Lately I have felt like I have been waking up on the wrong side of the bed. It all started Friday. Book release day was like Sixteen Candles in a way. While there were people who remembered, it seemed that a lot of people close to me had forgotten. It was like, “Excuse me! Big Day for me! I get to hear about all the stupid things you are doing with your time and energy, ahemmmm!!!”

I know, it’s the egomaniac in me. They have their own lives and the one woman in particular is going through some heavy stuff with her family. Actually a bunch of them are swamped. But I felt like getting a Dunkin Donuts Iced Cream Cake, a party hat, and celebrating by myself. Friday was also a long work day. I don’t mind long work days because the money is decent. But it was Jersey, then Brooklyn, and then the rooftop. In Jersey I took a wrong turn which was almost ghastly. Then Brooklyn my balloon shop around the corner from me was out of helium. How the hell do you run out of helium when balloons account for a large amount of your sales? I found myself talking back to the non-English speaking help. They told me go elsewhere. I asked if they knew where to go and they said no. Thanks for nothing.

I ended up having to buy a cake for the kid. It was actually easier to transport than the balloons. The surprise gig in the small time frame found me getting snappier than usual with my boss. Then the telegram actually went well. Got a surprise tip. I then went to deliver to a roof top on 5th where the party was great but this waitstaff was so snoody. Your job is to balance trays and clean up my shit for a living. Please don’t cop an attitude because you are forced to work. I usually try to treat people with jobs like that with respect but don’t snap at me. After all, while I am not the customer I can pretend to be Svetlana who’s next stop will be Scores.

On my way back from performing I was recognized from a past chicken performance and told them about my book. They wished me luck. Will they buy it, eh not until it hits stores probly.

Saturday just found me exhausted. I shot a video with Marcus. I slept with rollers in my hair. Then the dress I needed was in the wash. I had to go to the wash and then carry up a bag of laundry up four flights of stairs. The video shoot was fun though. Then I had a rehearsal. It was great to see Marvin aka Panchito. I hated telling him that I had to bolt from the show because I have a show later in WillyB. I would have told the booker to get fucked but the money is good. While I have a plethora of TV appearances and fans stalking me, I don’t have a dime to my name. My book is out but it is not a bestseller YET! I still need the damn money.

Then of course I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. I just felt like I worked harder than anyone and no one ever recognizes it. I do something and it always just gets fucked up. I push and I only move the boulder so far. I climb the mountain and then always fall a few feet back. Why the fuck does the universe hate me? Then I found myself having another set of meltdowns because well-I don’t know what’s next. I am pushing a book which let me tell you is a lot of fucking work. Then I am creating my own work which is a lot of work. Do I get a proper acting agent again? Do I go back to putting a shitload of clubdates up? I am less bitter towards standup despite my falling out with my homeclub and putting them on tv and them firing me as a thank you. I have written about it a lot and it still makes me angry. People tell me, “You can’t let people get you down.”

I gave these fuckers a shitload of TV time. I was their most recognizable face. I could have given another space the publicity. I have every reason to be upset.

Then this morning on my jog I saw this guy from my hood who is always trying to sleep with me and then midway through always tells me about whatever 12 step program he is in. He’s not addicted to coke anymore, he was probably tolerable in those days, now he’s addicted to meetings. This fool starts telling me how to market my book. He who has never been successful at anything in his life and has a plethora of mental problems is now telling me how to be successful. It pissed me off.

I will be so happy when today is over. Then it’s dinner with Vips and Jen and whomever else comes along. Tomorrow I might just spend the day alone. In case you want to know, I do in fact hate everyone. It’s nothing personal. Maybe someone will walk into me and I can deck them. Just kidding.

For serious I am in a bad fucking mood. Maybe I will meet a millionaire who will ride up on his steed. I was dating a comedy legend a year ago. It could happen.



Buy my book I Came, I Saw, I Sang at or 877-buy-book

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