This Time of Year
I am resisting that summer is over and fall is here. While it is not quite cold, the temperature is dropping like the fat off of a woman who just joined Weight Watchers. Part of me as I said is resisting that summer is over because it is time to put away the skimpy clothes that get me boys. On the other hand, I am no longer a seasonal idiot. There were no accidental affairs with ex-cons and other unmentionables this summer. Oops, that was last year. Maybe I am getting boring and old.
The leaves always change around this time of year, around my birthday. I am a Libra. According to pop astrology I am supposedly balanced. I am off kilter as ever. Ask anyone who has crossed paths with me. However, I like to keep things fair even if it means screaming at the tops of my lungs and losing my voice. I get mad when things aren’t fair and people don’t act right. I am creative and passionate. I suck at making decisions. I can be a flirt which gets me into trouble. I’m a Libra.
I like Indian summer because while it’s hot as hell you can still sense the fall in the air. The temperature drops at night. While it’s summer during the day you can sense the foreboding of the cold and the snow and Father Winter’s impending visit at night. It is a relief. It saves me money on air conditioning. On the other hand, I have to put my white mini-dress and sandals away. The leaves are changing. The temperature is changing. Obama says we must change. Did I mention sometimes change is a big old pain in my rear end?
I do like this time of year. While Labor Day has historically been a rotten weekend for me, the fall that follows is always good. It has been at least for the past few years. As the leaves fall I shed some of the crap that has happened during the year as things come to a close. It is cathartic in a way.
In 2006 I ended an abusive relationship with a man who berated me, took my puppet children away, and used me as his own personal punching bag. Sure, he stalked me and that sucked. However, after that Labor Day weekend when he went crazy I spent that fall putting my stress on paper and fighting back behind the mic. I wrote a routine that is still a hit today, and my puppet children very much became a part of my life again. Not to mention I had a bit of a fling with a man who not only made me laugh but has stayed my friend. Oh, and I moved into my cute lil apartment. I told myself as I graduated from college and embarked on my new adventure, “YES I CAN!!!”
When fall of 2007 rolled around I had made a conscience effort to live healthier. That meant an end to the crazy drinking, the use of speed diet pills, and any of destructive diet practice there was. I joined a gym and started going daily. As a matter of fact, I started getting my coffee, bagel, and reading my paper at the corner store on tenth. It has been so long going there that I just ask them for, “My usual.”I also became more spiritual, it goes hand and hand with getting healthier. Very badly, I wanted to produce a one woman show. Well I ended up going on Cash Cab with May Wilson and won $700 smackers. That money went to help front the cost. I got a few people to show up because well, I was doing everything on my own and had no idea what I was doing. Still, it was worth it. I also filled my calendar performing. I was happy damnit.
In 2008 I was a busy woman that fall. After a mistake of a relationship with a man who lied like Lindsay Lohan drinks, always and constantly, I was back to work. I found myself working with Uncle Floyd that fall, going to Jersey and the Poconos. It was a show for seniors and I had never done one. I had some serious misses onstage and a few hits, but I learned a lot about comedy. I also filmed a pilot which was exciting. Then there was Rachael Ray, a television spot I watched at the local health club. The clip made The Soup. I had never seen the show before or since I came on. Despite the TV time I freely acquire I am too broke to afford one. I took my sister out to dinner with the gift certificate though. I also ended up opening for Aretha Franklin in a pre-show event I did as a result of a contest I won. Things were good. They had to be. Did I mention that everything went downhill for sometime when the winter came?
The fall of 2009 had been a rough one. The year sucked. The pilot that I had made didn’t get picked up. I had a few people I knew from back in the day pass on. Because of the market crashing the telegram job slowed and money was tight so I began working promos. And it seemed the momentum from the year before had been lost. But when fall came, things began to open up. I was a finalist in a contest, produced my own one woman show several venues, and was putting away some good sets. One day though, after a harrowing day of promotional modeling, I ended up going to do a shoot for a promo for Who’s Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? The day was gray and I lugged myself to Grand Central. I waited in line and they called me. Standing there was Jeff Foxworthy! We kibitzed for a few and then they began shooting. I was taken aback at how wonderfully kind and humble he was. I could have taken him or left him, but after that day I became a fan. When I got out of Grand Central the sun was shining. Something told me my fortune would change. It did. One week later the promo was on television. Everyone saw it as usual but me. Sure, 2009 had sucked but this coming year would be better.
When 2010 rolled around I was doing more of my own work and things had been so uncertain though. The summer ended with Roger and I no longer speaking and then him ultimately passing away which made me sad. However, in his passing I always say he left a bit of his spirit with me. Around the week he passed, I got an opportunity to talk to the execs of a show called My Strange Addiction. On craigslist they had been looking for someone addicted to ventriloquism. I had worked in the clubs with my children, performed with them all day, and then street performed in places that they would let me as well as impromptu performances in public. They approved me in a day. Needless to say, we all know how that ended and it ended happily. During the press tour and after, I could feel Roger’s spirit around me guiding me because he had always wanted fame and recognition. However, it also made me realize that idiot, negative men, the ones Roger couldn’t give up, were what helped lead him to an early grave. Suddenly it became easier to say no to those morons. They didn’t look so attractive. In order to focus and be positive I began kickboxing. These were good changes.
The fall of 2011 was eventful. I was part of TechCrunch Disrupt with YouNow during their early days when I was a talking head. We had rehearsals all day and then we performed all night for the nerds at the conference. I secretly wished a rich one would pick me up. I also began courting my fans who recognized me and my babies from out television appearance. I called them my poppy seeds. Actually, they were christened by a fan of mine who was in this country illegally and knows no English. I also began dating a celebrity which was an adventure. While he was older, this man was a comedy legend. Dimsdale as I call him won both a Tony and an Emmy. It also looked like I was going to go with one publishing house but didn’t, and I began filming a TV show for Koldcast network. My episode of Pig Roast with Otto and George also aired. I found that I enjoyed mountain biking. The season ended with my house getting robbed. You cant have everything. God’s revenge was that my laptop had more viruses than a porn star. Ha ha ha!
What about the fall of 2012? Well my back hurts. It’s not from doing anything dirty, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s from carrying sixty books by myself up my stairs. They are not used books. They are my books. They are entitled I Came, I Saw, I Sang. I have one newspaper who wants to review me and another radio interview today. I already did a magazine interview. We shoot the commercial sometime next week. That’s the aim. Oh things to do. Did I mention Ferragusto where I performed commedia dell arte and ate the most delicious pickled octopus?
On the otherhand, I just want a Pumpkin Spiced Latte and to snuggle up under my blanket with a hottie who will disappear once he starts to speak. Then my puppet children can be alone. But my boss hopefully will have lots of telegrams. It’s an excuse to run through the leaves.
It’s fall people!
Author of I Came, I Saw, I Sang