One of my most memorable mishaps was when April Brucker who had no experience with men met a total stoner at a frosh talent night. He liked my puppets, I thought he was hot. He invited me to his place to watch TV. When I got to his house he turned on the television. For the record, I thought when he invited me to watch television we were actually watching television. Needless to say he had other plans. He kissed me and things began to get hot and heavy. Things had never really gotten hot and heavy in my young life and I began to panic. Finally I just told him I had to go and ran out of the room. My then friends thought it was hysterical because watch tv was code for hook up. I saw the dude later in the dining hall and apologized for my lack of experience. We ended up being friends actually and ended up watching television just to watch television. He has a good job and married someone else. If we would see each other on the street we would be friends and actually laugh about the whole thing.
There is an old saying in Latin that roughly translates, "In wine there is truth." Or worse yet, sometimes when you drink wine you love everybody. During the end of my first semester freshmen year I met this guy filming a student film. We hit it off, and he told me he would take me out to dinner and bring me flowers. I was stoked. He gave me his number. We chatted once or twice on the phone and it looked like I was going to finally have what I wanted,a boyfriend. He liked the puppets and everything. Well one night a friend of mine was having a party to celebrate end of the first semester. I got pretty wasted. So what did I do? I got out my phone and started calling everyone. I apparently told this guy I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. Needless to say, he avoided me every time he saw me after that. I know this all went down because his best friend told me when he saw me at the student center. Word to the wise, that is not the way to win a man's heart. We have seen each other since then and have been friendly, but he still puts a little pep in his step after our encounters. These days he is an unemployed actor and wannabe comic. Maybe it's better the love affair didn't work out.
Of course there was also the misadventure where I met a greasy guitar player at a talent show in Union Square. He went to school of recorded music and his parents were lawyers. Nonetheless, he believed he was Bruce Springsteen. Obsessed with Layne Staley, he played all the music when I hung out in his house. During that time a friend of mine told me that to pick up guys you had to smoke. I was trying it, but it was ruining my cardio. During this exchange, Romeo told me that, "If you fuck me, you can say you fucked me before I became a rockstar." I felt intimidated because I lacked experience. However, that became apparent in a moment or two. Romeo took my number and called me again, but I didnt feel like entertaining his ego. While he had rockstar ambitions, he didn't have the work ethic and after graduation changed paths to become a life coach for troubled children. I of course, well you know my puppet children and I have been making history. Someday he'll tell the story of how April Brucker was in his room, he had a chance to be a man, but screwed it up by being himself. Best punchline ever.
The following year I found myself seeing a much older man. While the whole thing was fun, I found myself getting much too attached as he patted me on the head and told me to wander the other way. We were on again, off again, and it was oh so complicated in my twenty year old brain. His dad was loaded, he had a great apartment, and he was promising me a trip to see the Roosevelt House on LI knowing I was a history buff. But when we got to that place of what is this he always backed off because of my age. I wasn't having it though. One evening, when I had too much of his high class Scotch I told him how I felt and how he had hurt me ever so badly. Then I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him, and threw up all over him. The next day I had a headache and felt like a fool. But we also talked and I found out more than anything in the world I had a friend. Since then we have just been friends, nothing less and nothing more. He is now married to someone else and has a kid. We have worked together several times and the whole experience is buried in the ruins as ancient history never to be spoken about again. But when I do speak about it I can't stop laughing. God was I stupid in those days.
Or then there was my first love bomber, an older comic who was totally all over me and had a very obvious drinking problem. We ended up hanging out and then he totally disappeared on me. The bad boy chain smoker then proceeded to hit on another woman right in front of me the next time he saw me!!!!! I thought this was a reflection of myself. But it was another big lesson. Men are jerks. It was tough to swallow, especially since the girl was so incredibly sleazy. But months later he tried to make a comeback. However when he saw me with another guy he backed off and I could hear him telling his friends some twisted tale of how I broke his heart. Meanwhile there was some serious editing on his part. Mr. Fabulous would go on to drink his way out of a promising comedy career and now is selling used cars in his home state.
My point of all this is, no one is worth going crazy over, man or woman. I found myself walking down memory lane because a young girl I know is flipping out over her boss who is an underemployed musician, recent divorcee who owes his ex and the IRS money, a second rate DJ, balding with a heart problem and the list goes on. You flip out now, but don't flip out too much. Leave room for the laughter later on. Not only will you realize that men think that they are God's gift and seriously aren't worth it, but the encounters provide good stories later.
No one, male or female, is worth getting too bent out of shape over.
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl