Tuesday, September 4, 2012

This Time of Year

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love how it starts to get cool as the temperature drops and the leaves start to fall. They turn orange like pumpkins and remind me of the Pumpkin Spiced Lattes and the boys I scam into buying them for me. They turn blood red, burnt like fire, perfect for poetry writing, mountain biking, and long walks in the cemetery.

On the other hand it’s sort of sad because school is back. The summer is most definitely over and I can’t wear white. It’s accepting that there will be no frolicking on a strangers yacht in the marina that I know through friends. It’s accepting that I can no longer go to the beach. It’s accepting that my birthday is coming up, something that I used to hate as a child and have learned to love as an adult. It is the passage of time.

This weekend has been jinxed for me for the past several years. Nothing ever good happens Labor Day Weekend. In 2007 I had just stopped drinking and did a gig for a Sober Fest. Some of the folks were cool, some hated my guts and let me know it on the spot. They said they were laughers. Apparently when some people take the booze out of the equation they become total church people. I have done other sober shows that were good. But it was like a long trek up, a long trek back, and just being out of my mind and going crazy. However, the booker liked me and they did like May Wilson. Who doesn’t.

In 2008 I was ending a very bad relationship. Basically my then boyfriend and I were fighting all the time and this particular fight got so bad that I just starting yelling at him and then he threw me out. Of course this was all egged on by a flat chested bitch who was living with him named Trouble because that is what she was. She was his so called bestie but really she wanted to be more and was willing to ruin any relationship he had so she could get it. I hate her guts, and if there was a time or a place I will give her what is coming to her I will. But yeah, I had my heartbroken that weekend. But then afterwards I found out my man had a huge lying problem so he was no big loss.

The following year I was on a comedy tour which ended up being a disaster. Venues didn’t do proper promo, shows were cancelled, and then someone tried to stiff us out of money. However I did do one good show and that opened some doors for me. But it was a hellacious weekend that made me want to get the bumper sticker that said, “Living the dream.”

Of course 2010 brought me having a falling out with my dearly departed friend Roger. One that resulted in that being the last time we spoke before he died. I don’t know what broke my heart more, the fact that he made the choices he did or the fact I never told him how much he meant to me as my friend. I never got to say I was sorry before he died or to tell him I wasn’t mad at him but what he was doing to himself. Then my old roommate who was like my sister moved out which left a big hole in my heart too. However, I know she is happy. More importantly, I know Roger is finally at peace and took the path he had to. I know his spirit holds no grudge and is one of many angels that has my back. Most importantly, he is out of pain and that’s all I ever wanted for him.

Then 2011 I basically made one of the biggest banking errors of my life and overdrew an amount in the thousands. I also had a meltdown over the fact some big career thing didn’t happen. Weekend sucked.

Oh and this year was no different. I worked a lot which was good. However in a moment of foolhardy fun I played a practical joke on a friend that I cared about. It was meant to be funny but the truth is, turned out to be pretty rotten. In part it was for my own amusement, in part it was to actually stop her from doing something really out there over a guy. Long story short, I came clean the next day and apologized. I thought she would laugh it off. Instead she told me it was messed up and she never wanted to speak to me again. That’s her right and I understand that. I missed the mark. I was wrong. I even said so. What did she want? On the other hand, it was a lesson I had to learn. She also blocked me which I understand. However, she logged on under her mother’s account to start shit telling me I was messed up in the head. WHAT! Then she accused me of flashing her whatever he is at the moment my panties which did not happen. If anything, he was checking me out. There were people around me telling me she was only reappearing in my life because things were happening for me. Looks like I dodged the bullet of a metaphorical sense and a physical sense because love triangles always end that way. Plus she couldn’t take a joke.

Virgos are weird people in my experience. There are some Virgos I love. My baby sister is a Virgo. Precise and on the point as well as timely and on schedule, she will make a good doctor someday. Hardworking she is in the emergency room every day working to learn and to improve. Dr. Sco is what I call her.

Then there is my boss Jon Shipley the basis for Bruce in my book. He is smart, hardworking, dedicated, a neatfreak, and drinks his coffee with two percent milk. Not to mention he is a certified meditation instructor.

Let’s not forget my Aunt Diane who is a smart lady, a hardworker, funny, easy to talk to, and one of the few women I know who’s actually good with tools. She’s a Republican and it’s fun to argue about politics with her because neither one of us takes it personally.

Then of course there is my cousin and her daughter Jaclyn, born on the cusp on Virgo and Libra. She too is smart, hard working, and although quiet sometimes actually has quite the sense of humor.

Oh and then there’s my Aunt Ruth, my mom’s youngest sister and Godchild who is the caretaker of my grandparents and Ren Faire regular.

I have to mention Holland from kickboxing, with her cute little videos

Nikki Sunshine and Sandra Valls, who both were my friends during one of the roughest times in my life and didn’t turn their backs on me when so many did.

John Powers, who even though I have only met you on the internet you crack me up because you have that Virgo say what’s on your mind thing.

Oh and my friend James from up the street who loves the Yankees, works at the funeral home and purchase two of my books.

David Herman, well what’s not to love about the fact you just make my heart melt.

Michael Alsondo, the celebrity hairdresser who kidnapped me, gave me a makeover, and put my head back on right. You made me turn in a good direction when I was quite lost.

However, there are some Virgos in my life that are well….eh.

There is Trouble, the flat chested bitch who was instrumental in my breakup with my last boyfriend. Lying and conniving, she claimed to be raped several times in order to get men around her to beat a stranger up. She also fabricated stories of childhood sexual abuse, none which were substantiated, in order to get men to do her favors and give her money. She tried to ruin a weekend with my ex and I by injuring her already sick dog so that he would have to drive the mutt to an animal hospital. When she wasn’t doing that she was instigating conversations that would lead to fights. It’s good time has made her ugly, after all, she’s just a reflection of herself.

Behind her is Wench. This woman is a wannabe comedian who actually stole a joke of mine when I was in the room. Armed with a drinking and lying problem, this woman claims to have been sexually abused by her father in one sentence. In the next sentence, she denies this claim and yells at you for even going there. She also claims to have been raised in the projects when really her father was a doctor. She uses these stories to illicit sympathy as well as spots from bookers. I hate her.

Then there is Kindred Spirit, the washed up would be star who took me out to dinner and rolled out the red carpet. He posed as the perfect guy when his real goal was to use me to revive his dead comedy career. I don’t know what makes me angrier, the fact that he pretended to be into me or the fact that he wouldn’t have taken me out if he didn’t think I could do something for him. Virgos are willing to do anything to succeed. With that I hope he finds the woman who can revive his career elsewhere. Even if he does he is something called marginally talented, washed up, and classified as best days are behind him.

Ralph the Jerk that Didn’t Want to Work was also born under this star sign. He’s my Godmother’s ex-fiance who had nothing going for him. He didn’t want to work and was willing to fake any illness he had to in order to mooch off my auntie. Armed and dangerous with charm, flowers, a toupee, and glue on chest hair, gold chains, and flowers he swept my aunt off her feet. However he was engaged to two women at the same time and chose the exotic dancer with kids because she was a bigger sucker. Go to hell Ralph! Get hit by a tractor trailer.

Last but not least is Holden Caulfield. While I don’t hate him, actually part of me will always love him, I know this is bad for me. Between the unmedicated bi-polar, the drug problem, and the three warrants that include one felony this wasn’t going to end well. He has two children, neither one which he is capable of supporting. Last time I checked up on him he is back with his mom and one of his kids headed to rehab. I wish him the best. Maybe he can get well, get back off his meds, and stop mooching off of women who try to rob him.

That’s all I got people.



I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl


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